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Monthly Archives: May 2011

#FLOWERS:new found passion.

since am not going to be taking any photos of server rooms in this place*(for classified reasons).Am guessing flowers will have to suffice,plus she was dying to see them so….ka binti this one is for you(sorry the roses jama fukuzad me,so lilies ndo nilipiga)

lilies_1.

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roses1

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and before i forget,am blogging today,i promise!!!!

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Posted by on May 25, 2011 in Reflections, true stories

 

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#Zegz Addict.

My name is Galis and am a Zegz addict.

Something about the way the statement was phrased thrilled me.

Then something about the contents within……

The way she put it out there to her audience was enticing i must agree..Her words were stinky and pungent  with Zegz.

I measured the expanses of her naughty accomodativenes…and found it was well beyound the scope of normality…..

In a word her Blog is Zegz Tales

 
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Posted by on May 19, 2011 in Humour, true stories

 

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Alcoholic Experiences.

Good old fashioned booze.

“Police today managed to impound 200 liters of illegal brew in the sprawling Kibera slums.The OCS Mr.Kamau together with his boys then went ahead to pour the brew,in a rather shocking turn of events the owner fainted as witnesses watched in awe as the contents of the brew were laid before there very eyes”

It’s the 7pm News and every one is glued to the screen in utter amazement as some crude brown liquid  purported to  be alcohol is being poured.Then the comments ensue

“I wonder how people even drink this shyt,i mean in the worse case  scenario kunywa Keg au Naps”

“Jaymo wewe unaona aje?”

Sheepy smile on my face”I wouldn’t dare let that shyt touch my  shoes let alone drink it”

The truth of the matter is AkaJaymo has indulged  in this crude delight.In some far away town far far from Nairobi.

It’s a shady lil town just before Mombasa,am talking about Voi. Now for those who may have flanked or missed a couple of lessons in Geography,let me tell you a lil about Voi.

Voi  is a dusty town on Mombasa road just before you fika mombasa.It boasts of one stored building that houses pretty much every thing  in the town,am talking about Equity Bank,the only discent joint(Millys),a couple of fancy shops….you get the picture.

After downing a couple of decent drinks me and Marto decide to do it local am talking coasto local,Mnazi baabie.So we head south East (Google Maps can confirm) of the town.To a little Village called Mariphenyi and deep in the heart ,a brewery that boasts the best Mnazi you ever drunk according to the Inhabitants.

Now just as anyone who has done any traveling will tell you,every shady joint has it’s Fixer,that  go to guy.The guy who promises to get you the realest of whatever it is you are looking for at the best imaginable price.

Van-der-Sa  was that guy;i swear the guy must have smealt the Nairobi on me for as soon as i was within a whiff of the joint he appeared.Promising to get us the best Mnazi at the best price for his purpoted long relationship with the propriator.He had the  fluentest Swahili you ever heard.

“Ndugu shikamoo,mie naitwa Van-der-Sa waonekana mgeni huku,wafuata tembo,sio?”

Anyone who knows what i got in Swahili while in high school will attest that the grade was just enough to get  me to campo.So it took me a while to process what he was saying,all the  while looking me dead in the eye.

Before my response could be given he interjected my thought process

“Njoo,Njo nikupeleke”

“Najaa” I responded in the fakest swahili accent you ever heard,this coming from the guy who thought Aitha was synonymous with either.

So there we were, seated on some stool like contraptions  feeling all Domestic touristish.

The proprietor/brewer walks up to us and inquires what our poison was.

“Kikombe cha Mnazi tafadhali” Now obviously in sync with the swahili.

“Hapa hakuna Mnazi Labda Bangara!!”

Ba what!!!!Even Google translate was at lack for a definition.So i enquire what Bangara was.

“Pombe ya wishwa.”So i look at Marto and just like he was reading  my mind he asks “Wishwa ni nini??”

By now she can tell we are rookies in her alcoholic joint.So i ask her name just to act the friendly type and if its possible for me to see how the Bangara is made.

“Naitwa Pamela,Wataka kuona Bangara inavyotengenezwa,nipe dakika”

Am now telling Marto how we should make our exit,for fears of being drugged but you know how beer  pressure works.I find myself glued.

She comes back with  a bottle with some whitish stuff in it. The irony here is  that it’s a Viceroy Bottle,the contents being nothing close

Bangara

I take the first sip,don’t ask me why but i just did,then the second and third,not bad-passing it over to marto who does the same thing.

30 minutes later am singing,being in  coast i decide a catchy swahili tune will do

“Pamela njoo kwa yesu bado anakupenda——”

The curiosity bug in me is itching,i really want to know how Bangara, or what ever it’s name was is prepared.Anything that can get me drunk in under 30 mins deserves my curiosity.

So i follow Pamela to where the stuff is being made and am hit by total surprise,the kind that gets you sober ASAP

The brewery(for lack of a better word) is dingy by any standards. Even those kibera ones are better.Am guessing her client base hasn’t been in here.There is a big ass drum in the middle,dark in color menacing look.With what appears to be soot on the side.

Its a mud structure with more smoke than a Jamaican Bong.She is holding a stick,she calls it her sturing stick.Allow me to tell you more about this stick.

In the Brew business you are as good as your stick.A brewer respects his stick because although it takes away people’s lively hoods and even wrecks families in its wake it feeds  hers.The amount of respect  accorded to this stick is admirable.The stick never leaves  the brewery. It’s been in her family for several years now.It’s an ugly looking piece of wood,angry wood,drunk wood.Its never washed.she only runs water over it and puts it away.

She dips it and sturs some brownish looking concoction  exchanging casual talk with some drunk fella outside.Am not listening am more In shock.I’m Actually at the door not sure whether to enter or stay ouside.

The ugly stick is working its  magic,bubbles are rising, the smell  is sickening,the heat is getting to me,the booze to…..

The next thing a bratha… had passed out.In a make shift brewery in  some shady village in VOI.

 
 

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#NAIROBI NIGHTS:AProstitute’s story.

My name is Sue. I practice along Koinange street,Nairobi.These are  my thoughts, observations and experiences from my prostitution world. Nothing of the soft, sympathy seeking Topsy turvy kind. But straight talk, hard facts and real anecdotes. They are worth something.

No good people I wasn’t picking up some random mama at some flimsy curb along Koinange Street, far from it, I just finished watching an interview -The stream on Aljazeera. I was watching a Kenyan Prostitute (Pardon my crude language), take the oldest profession to the internet airwaves, keeping those close to her in the dark.

This isn’t striking in any way until you get to know that she has a blog, and posts about her night escapades.

She blogs about what society expects of prostitutes, how they are treated and how they deal with it all.

She has managed to keep it a secret only her clients and the girls she works with know her true identity. Her parents have no idea

So am like what the f***.Here is this eloquent mama speaking her experiences out to the world, the question going through my mind is how did she end up here, I mean how did this lady become a prostitute. Everything points to her taking a different career path, but here she is being interviewed on an international platform about what she does.

Allow me to indulge you in a little bit of Sue’s life.

She isn’t you text book whore,I mean the kind that dropped out of  primary school in some far away rural  location that even Google Earth can’t locate, worked her way through some bars all before her 18th birthday. On 18 she took to her heels with the little cash saved and ended up in Nairobi.

Far from it, Sue is college educated, she says in the interview

“so what led me to prostitution? the easiest thing would be that I didn’t get a job after college and had bills to pay, But that to a large extent is a lie, True after collage I didn’t get a job but so did many of my classmates……”

She recounts how after just a few job applications she hobnobbed to S.J.(yes Sabina Joy).Where she got hooked up to prostitution

She claims it aint coz of the paper, she isn’t a Nympho-sex doesn’t thrill her enough to get her addicted-Prostitution for her is a way of life.

She Blogs at nairobinights and if you are the curious type you can email her at maishanairobi@gmail.com.

 
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Posted by on May 14, 2011 in Humour, true stories

 

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How I almost met your mum.

Disclaimer:The events and people depicted in this post are  fictional,any resemblance with people leaving or otherwise is purely  coincidental.That being said,enjoy.

“Can I take you out sometime?”,I enthusiastically asked.

“Jaymo there is something I have to tell you,am seeing someone else,its not official but i think he is the one”

I know what you are thinking,this is just another one of those posts,its not,this is me getting dumped and its not even happening face to face,its happening via Facebook,the same site that had brought us together in the first place-damn you Mark Zukerberg.

Am frantically typing,thank God for Qwerty keyboards,  “With who????”

The wait begins,I hit refresh like a hundred times on opera mini,still nothing,I pace the room,mad thoughts running through my mind.Pick  up the phone,refresh inbox (1),then i freeze up,the words couldn’t be clearer.

“With Austin,I thought you would have guessed by now.”

What follows is  awkward silence,I hear they call it pin drop silence.I take a sit,pour a stiff one, Kenya Cane never tasted  so plain,and allow myself to absorb it all.

Allow me to indulge you,She had the prettiest name you ever heard,Sandy Sue. Sandy was not you average chic on the block,far from it,she had the it factor in her,that touch of brilliance that made her stand out.Come to think of it,maybe that’s what drew me to her.

It happened just like it did in the movies,our meeting was magical. I had just gate crashed a bash in tao,the terrible trio was at it again

A couple of hours of frothy indulgence later and i was good to go,the mamas were ripe for the picking,and i was not going to pass out  on the opportunity. You know how it goes,a brother worked his magic around the club till he caught a glance of her.

There she was,immaculately dressed,Her eyes were golden,the smile she was wearing  priceless,a couple of guys were indulging her in casual talk.I took a  shot of viceroy and observed her from a distance.The fellas who were chatting her left,this was my shot…i made my way her seat.First thing to grab my attention was the bottle of Alvaro in her hand,Note to self:Non drinker

Swag check,style check I was good to go.”Hi am James”

She turned towards me,her smile was intoxicating.”Or did i catch you at a wrong time”I panically asked.

“Not at all,am Sandy,Sandy Sue.Pleasure to meet you.” That was my que and a brother wasn’t going let the moment slip.After the usual pleasantries,Casual talk was exchanged,Numbers were givenand facebook contacts added.A promise of  later acquittance promised.

The next day spelt the beginning of a well strategised plan to win Sandy over.I sent her my first text,

“Uko online,log in facebook ”

I loged on to facebook and sent myfirst inbox.

“Evening chic,how was your day?”

She called me boy,I called her chic.

The semester ended,The December holiday begun..Being residents of differnt towns,the long distance thing would have to do.If Bob Collymore would be asked am sure he would bear testimony,the number of hour spent either texting, calling or facebooking must have earnt Safaricom  a pretty penny.

A new semester dawned,School was back in session.

I still remember how Good it felt when we hugged  for the first time,her scent was un mistakable-Catherine,designer obviously,it lingered on even in her absence.The four months that constituted the semester were golden by any measure.

Memories of how we went clubing,Me trying to sway her to have a bottle of two,her so vehemently in refusal.

The lady in Yellow I recall,some how she had a way of combining two things i loved-yellow and her- into an ochestra of pure beauty.

Even the fellas were jealous,Jaymo was smitten,She had managed to turn a brother into a love sick puppy.

It wasn’t pure clock work differences were obviously there:Like here love for Reggae and eveything Jamaican and his love for Hip Hop.But just like eveything natural an equilibrium of sorts was struck.

Many are the nights he spent at her place,willowing in her presence,either watching the Animations she loved so much or just striking casual conversation about this and that lecturer and how he or she had ruined her day.

Am not sure what drew me to her,maybe it was her simplicity or maybe i was just looking for someone to fix me,my drinking had taken a rise over the weeks.But whatever it was, surely was working because this mama had gotten me smitten.

But Destiny has a twisted sense of humor,it has a way of  facking you up when you least expect it because here i find myself.

Questioning my manhood.wondering what went wrong.wondering whether it was that night i came to her place drunk,I had gotten into a comfort  spot of sorts, rarely putting any effort.Or maybe it was  the times i snoobed in  campo.

whatever it was,here I am,sipping away the liquor in my glass.typing my goodbye

Thoughts resonating in my mind,i can only  view myself as crayon in her life,i might not be her favorite color,but  one day she is going to need me to complete her picture

 
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Posted by on May 8, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES., Reflections

 

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The dog ate my post.

The dog ate my last post,seriously,you guys haven’t been wondering where my writing went, ama you thought i was one of those one hit wonder blogs, no am still trying to keep you thrilled.After my brief stint in court am back.

Now let me see what has happened since i last bloooged….

ooh how could i have forgotten,my birthday was on wednesday,a bratha turned a year older,so how old am i now?

Assume my former age was X then in all honesty my current age is X+1.Does that satisfy your curiosity!!!

For once my birthday was at home,wasn’t in campo as is the norm,so you know what this meant,no contra bun could be used so am comfortably saying this hoping mum would see this,his Little boy not on Drugs. Just for the record i have postponed the bash to sato,Wednesday having been an office day,and yes booze will be served,but the proximity to a petrol station is not guaranteed so make sure you don’t ride on an empty moti….and for you contra bun fanatics of mine,make sure you bring air freshener

so you can rest assured my Sunday blog will have all the dirt that went down

“It’s been what? a week” someone at work asked me  today

Okay its been 9 days am keeping my cool @ work studying everyone and everything, why you may wonder,I want to know who to fear  who wants respect, who wants to be avoided, who wants those early morning  greetings “bwana asifiwe ” style, which interns to Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on May 7, 2011 in INTERNSHIP, Uncategorized

 

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Jaymo vs the groupie,hater and snitch.

The series in Question you may ask?

boston_legal

JAYMO vs OPPOSING COUNCIL.

In the case of  loyal followers vs akajaymo in the matter of the fore mentioned ab scorning his blog for several days,how does the defendant plead?

“not Guilty your honor”

“Will the opposing council call their first witness to the stand”

“we  call to the stand Groupie1”

OPPOSING COUNCIL: Please tell the court your name and your relationship with the defendant then give your story.

GROUPIE1: My name is Groupie and just like my name states am akajaymo’s number 1 groupie. Now the reason am on this stand today is coz    this nyga  right here has been snobbish to me like i don’t  exist and has even changed numbers on me,what nerve.

matter of fact since he started blogging he hasn’t had time for me,i rarely see him outside anymore and every time we talk he jolts away faking some wave of brilliance,you should hear him talk “Groupie baadaye, nimepata inspiration ya post  mazee”

I mean if that aint  snobbing,then what is??He even went as far as telling me he would leave his blog for me,and i believed it since the last few days we have been with him,no writing,no waves of briliance,just me and him. Till yesterday when he left me and i havent seen that lying bastard since

OPPOSING COUNCIL: let the record show that the lying bastard is  akajaymo.Who categorically  abscorned his blog to be with groupie.You may have your seat Groupie1.

we call to the stand hater1.

Please tell the court your name and your relationship with the defendant then give your story.

HATER1: (in a deep american accent)YO!! my name be Hater,with a capital H coz i hate on all yall fake thuging nygas nahmean.Now this nyga right here,this nyga right here! this nyga be a fake nyga, he be all up on my shyt,talking like he got samthing to say.Matter of fact i aint snitching,c0z yall know real nygas as myself dont snitch but i heard him bitching bout how he aint got no more creative juice left in him.How he thinking of just endin it all,and i was like i told yall  nygas he cant write.only thing he can write is the alphabet,and he need help withthat too.Nyga u aint malcom-x with your revolutionary speech….what!!

OPPOSING COUNCIL:
let the record show that akajaymo ab scorned his blog because and i quote no more Read the rest of this entry »

 
 

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