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Monthly Archives: May 2011

Numbers: Polly Nomial .

numb3rs

 The show follows FBI special agent Don Eppes and his mathematicial genius brother charlie Eppes who helps Don solve crimes through mathematics and mathematical modeling.

Well you know all that fancy lingo they use in the show,let me play around with it in a touch of humour

Once upon a time , pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of direction, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf, and she plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As he numerically analyzed her, his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, and a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly approaching her with his power series expanding. She could see by his degenerate conic that he was up to no good.

“What a symmetric little polynomial you are,” he said. “I can see that your angles have lots of secs.”

“Oh sir,” she protested, “keep away from me. I haven’t got my brackets on.”

“Calm yourself, my dear”, said our suave operator. “Your fears are purely imaginary.”

“I, i,” she thought. “Perhaps he’s homogeneous.”

“What order are you?” the brute Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on May 3, 2011 in Humour

 

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Me,Martin &Opium accusations.

“You were using bhang and opium, and when the security knocked at the door you refused to open”

I look at Marto,the the security guy (lets call him Mr.K) continues to Rumble ,”Najua mnatumia madawa ya kulevia,naongea na nyinyi kama mzazi,niko na watoto,kwanza ule wa mwisho ni wa 1985,mzee ata zaidi yenu”

Marto begins getting defensive,”mimi ata pombe situmii”, Mr.K snaps “Mnafikiria sijui” “Mkubwa ata opium sijawai ona!”

I manage to mumble. “Itikieni, the campus will offer you counseling ata kuna mwingine wa cocaine anatibiwa” He picks up the phone calling the dean of students to drive his point home,” Dean, ule kijana wa cocaine anaendelea aje………….”

drugs_bunny

How did we get here you may ask! Let me take you 2 weeks down memory lane

It’s a new semester, actually a new academic year ,third year ,Just after reporting back to campus me and Marto decided to throw a bash, a house warming bash actually since we are now living in our own house –servant quarters actually-with house mates not some lousy hostel with a hundred an one neighbors.

Well the troops are quickly rallied and by the troops I mean The Crew, plans are put in motion.

The plot:20 liters of Bangara –Bangara is like some tribal booze that coastal people drink, similar to Mnazi  -Smirnoff blue label, red label, K.K. and of course Jamaican brand riffa.

Location: C9-O2

Crowd: strictly jammas, no chics no gatecrashers.

So duties are quickly delegated, the Mnazi suppliers, the real alcohol suppliers, the weed and finally the K.K. (Kenya king). No mention of who was to supply what will be made here for fear of the snitches-yes JKUAT has trained snitches.

At around 1pm the Mnazi crew leaves the campus, promptly followed by the weed crew. Am still at campo when they come back heaving, apparently carrying 20 liters is no small fit.

What we were later to find out is that campus security was hot on their heels. Apparently they think petrol is being smuggled into campus, a strike maybe!

After evasion tactics around school, the Mnazi is safe and sound, in a cool dry place. We can rest easy.

“Niaje gauge imefika” Mogaka asks “iko salama, blue label niaje?”I inquire “njiani boss,twajaa”

Adrenalin rush! Can’t wait to get high…but first I head for the mess because it’s now heading 6:00pm.

Ugali, beef and Veg later am back to the crib: Time to freshen up.

At around 7.30 everyone gathers at our crib, (for some reason c9-02 is the favored location for its proximity to where the Mnazi has been stashed)

Cups are handed out and the merry making commences. Stories are traded some of which am sure are fake, like the one Mogaka is telling us about……..I’ll tell you the story another day.

“Leta Ngwai hi pombe haipandi,mlitoa wapi?” people want to get stoned.

The contra bun is produced, the doors locked, windows to, match box in hand the first joint is lit. puff!puff! pass is the rule.

The second joint, Puff Puff pass…. Third, the laughter kicks in, veins are vesodilated, eyes are popping out. Fourth joint…..knock! Knock!

We ignore The knock turns into a bang and some words are mumbled…..

I don’t remember who opened the door but the next thing I saw was 4 guys wearing menacing faces storming in. If this was a movie am guessing this would be the climax, the part where the sound track is some fast paced tune…..

“Nani mwenye hii nyumba?” I look at Marto, “mimi” he retorts.

“Una ishi na nani?” ,“mimi’’ I reply

“tokeni nje” now you would expect the guys in the house would cook up some plot to have the security jamaas go  au contraire mon ami, quite the contrary. Someone grabs the bottle in my hand as I walk out an mumbles something I cannot understand, what with the adrenalin rush am experiencing

“Mna fanya nini huko ndani?”

“ka party kadogo,ata hatu pigi kelele, na 10pm bado” I somehow mange to say.

“Nini mnavuta”

“sigara” Marto jumps in

“leteni ID zenu twende tukaandike statment”

Marto begins to pleed, I swear I have lived with Marto but I have never had him beg like this “Tafathali boss!Tafathali boss! ”

marto pleading

“Okay kama mme kataa sawa….msipige kelele mingi basi” They leave and we assume that’s the end of that!

Back in the crib guys is still drinking, the contra bun has however been discretely hidden. A couple of shots later the story has completely been forgotten and we drink the night away till the wee hours of the morning when we finally retire to bed.

A day passes, 2 days 5 days a week and we have not heard anything from the campus security. We assume the water has passed under the bridge.

We curry on with our lives like it never happened.

Till 2 weeks later we get a call from the security office

“Are you Martin? Please report to the security office”, “okay”

Next to ring was my phone, same conversation same response.

So here we sit, allegations of how we use opium being thrown at us. How we are suspected of being crack addicts and mandatory counseling is the only thing that will save us.

We somehow managed to convince the security boss that our drug use was fictional, evidence to implicate us being absent. We were lucky, the case is dropped for lack of evidence and akajaymo and his partner in crime live to see another semester.

 
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Posted by on May 2, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES., Uncategorized

 

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Flashforward:Letter to first year Jaymo.

flash_forward

FlashForward is constructed around a high concept narrative where a mysterious event has caused nearly everyone on the planet to simultaneously lose consciousness for 137 seconds, during which time people see what appears to be a vision of their own life approximately six months in the future: a global “flashforward”.

Well let me do the reverse and send the younger Jaymo a flashfoward into his future.Let me send him a letter,and give him an insight into the man he will become.

Dear 1st year Jaymo,

writing-letter

Am guessing you will shrug of this letter,your attitude is at it peak by now,don’t worry 3 years down the road that will not change.I know  you cannot get enough of campus and you have switched from fanta to naps.That will soon change…keroche is working on a secret potion.

You and Google are falling in love,don’t worry that will not change much,in fact over the next years you will learn half of what you know via the search engine.

Obsession with facebook is at its peak,you have stopped blogging for  this reason,mum is on your case because your internet expenditure is at its highest,don’t worry wi-fi is going to be set up soon and you will spend hours on end surfing and downloading.

A certain girl called Stella  will walk in your life.No you and her will not groove but you will have a magical friendship that will raise eyebrows from chics and fellas alike.Ignore them,the rumours to.

The trio will be born! The random three:Jaymo,Marto and Stella.

On a lighter note,you will find a chic,the flip side is you will grove for 8 months with her after which you will break up…and months later she will be a baby mama!

No its not your kid but your friendship with her will still be tight.

Marto and you will get into trouble a couple of times,statements at the campus security office will be written,cell mta lala…just to name somethings,Your current friends will all get pissed by your arrogance,so tone down on that.

The Guitar…..YES that guitar next to you,every thing points to you learning the instrument,but you will not.Hip hop is still your first love and all this years in the future you will still attend WAPI but they have moved it from the British council to Sarakasi Dome….yes i know that sucks.

All those A’s your transcript has will go on decreasing! No supplementary exam yet but you got more C’s than you can count.The good thing is your whole class is flopping,what did you expect taking Mathematics and Computer Science.

Movies and Series will consume most of your adult life,so much so that in the future you are blogging using the series you have been watching

Animation is your thing,They are still airing Family Guy,The Boondocks is over lakini….the animation they are making now days is crazy. Despicable me will thrill you

Life is going to be full of ups and downs, mostly ups. So just sit back, and enjoy being in campo.Save your money because you will hemorrhage all your chums in Mombasa in your second year,you will bribe cops severely and gold digging mama’s will be on your case

ps .As i right this Osama has been killed and no he wasn’t in a cave.

Yours sincerely Jaymo,

the campo finalist

 
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Posted by on May 2, 2011 in MEMORIES., Uncategorized

 

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Break out kings: A night in a police cell

Drum rolls ladies and gentle men,the show for your viewing today is:

Breakout-Kings.

In order to catch escaped convicts, a squad of U.S. Marshals makes a special deal with several current prisoners. If they agree to help, their sentences will be reduced by one month for each fugitive they bring in and they will be transferred to a minimum-security facility. However, if any of them should try to escape, they will all be returned to their original prisons and their sentences will be doubled.

 Second year of campo was one i vividly remember for  many reasons,be it my new mastery of cheap gins and spirits,the new crib(i had since moved out of hostels)…..well you get the picture.Now just a couple of weeks after going back to campo for the first semester i was back at it again,the random plots

My room mate one Martin aka Marto had not yet reported so my tantrums had been inhibited for lack of a right man,well a couple of days  later he got back to campo and after tongue lashing about how siku hizi hawezi tegemeka,he decided the only way to calm our nerves was to get us drunk enough to induce amnesia.

‘Nyamira’, some shady joint  off campo was the destination 20 minutes later.Being just a couple of weeks after opening,money was @ un manageable levels,am talking CBK  levels.So it was no surprise that our joint was jam packed.No seats in sight.

“Nyamira,mbili mbili kwa hapa nje”,and by mbili he meant two bottles of frothy delight EABL style.

“Oya,marto barley ime isha,labda president”-right there is where i should have said no and walked back to campo but since he was buying,” mwambie alete,kwanza ni how much?”  “50 bob!”

yes good people,finje tu!

Now i didn’t require Calculus to do the math…500 bob would buy me 10 bottles,I should have known 10 is like a death wish…..a coupe of hours later,several trips to the loo,the occasional tot of viceroy and 9 bootles down,the urge was irrefutable!, lazima ningeenda tao.

So me,Marto and my 10 th bottle board a matatu to town,I close my eys and what seems like a minute later I was in tao.

“jaymo amka!Ama ume chew black out? ”

“Boss hizi vitu zako zime ni beba na vile nilikuwa nazitharau.Uko sure ziko legal?” I retorted to Marto

“wacha ufala unasema wewe! mimi ata sion poa “….paid the conductor and we were on our way.

Know if u read the Bible you will recall a verse talking about how a blind man cannot lead another. Well we were obviously in violation of scripture because Iwas leading Marto to God knows where! The confidence ii was exhibiting was remarkable,the next thing i remember was this undying need to sit down having walked for what seemed as eternity.

“tuketi nje ya club angalau” i told Marto

“Aya basi kaka”

That was a bad idea but i was to find out the hard way,Nje ya club Jaymo and marto sat,actually dozed off.Next thing was….a deep kalenjin accent.

“Vichana nyinyi ndio mungiki mna iba watu? Wapi ID?”  “Sina iliibwa jana”

” basi ingia kwa mariamu Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on May 2, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES.

 

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one tree hill:Evolution of JKUAT chics.

opening hook:

One_Tree_Hill

one tree hill is a story of a couple of high school teens and we follow them through their freshman year,sophmore,junior,senior and their young adult life.In which course  we observe individual evolution.

well just like i always do,let the juxtaposition begin:

first year of campus.

good girl

The girls are at their most naïve, of course, in spite of themselves thinking very wise. They have all kinds of  values set, what they want t accomplished, high standards.They must be smart, well dressed, kind, polite, a Christian, hard worker, non-drinker, non-smoker, this list could go on and on.Classes are attended on time,cats are never dabbed,assignments never ‘photocopied’…..this list can go on like a roll of tissue so ill stop there,u get the picture.

Boys are the last thing running 0n their  naïve minds,but this in no way deters the fellas from ‘ponyokaing ‘ with them,over the years strategies have put in place and ponyokaing with one,so before the poor fresha can say ‘black ice’,the jamma will have pitiad her and gone to the next one.Her dreams of getting married to Mr.Right will go up in Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES.

 

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Prison Break: The Hague 6 Episode.

Allow me to re blog a post by Raymond Chepkwony:The series for this post

prison break

The TV series Prison Break goes a little bit like this… Michael Scoffield gets himself arrested. He does this, to try break his brother Lincoln out of Fox river prison. As the series goes on, Michael Scoffield finds it difficult to work alone and so he gets help-some of it un warranted- to help break his brother out. An F.B.I agent is hot on their heels along with the prison warder. That’s the brief…

Scoffield Kenyatta

A member of Kenya’s elite society. His friend has been arrested and is at Central Police station. He conjures up a plan to burst his good friend and brother out.

Lincoln Rutto

He claims it’s a government conspiracy out to finish him. His only hope for freedom lies outside the scope of justice. The odds are stacked against him. He knows that this is the end of the road. He pleads innocence. Lucky for him, he knows he has a brother and a friend, he knows he can always count on Scoffield Kenyatta!

T-Bag Kosgay

He has a list of accusations against him longer than a roll of toilet paper. He has been out the run for years. This time, the long arm of the law seems to have caught up with him. His only hope of getting out of Central Cop station, is by clinging on to Scoffield and Link… His accent and look make him a very distinct character. He has never stood on his own two feet. He always leans on someone… and often bends over and why does he do all that? Oh well.. is KOS he’s GAY!

Sucre Muthaura

Soft spoken. He was framed for a crime he did not commit. His only crime, was that of passion and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is at Central police station and many believe he has been falsely accussed. He was set-up. Those that set him up, are roaming free. Will Sucre Muthaura squeal? Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2011 in Humour

 

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