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Monthly Archives: June 2011

@LEWA marathon

So the boss at work is trying to create conversation with me,”sato you guy, you were wasted yaani”

I dread this social banter with the guy buttering my bread, so in retort I mumble “what happened in lewa stayed in lewa “He laughs it away then drops some humor “except syphilis, that shyt will follow you home”. We laugh it off and mind our business

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I had a great weekend, far away from civilization, far from the flashing lights…I was at the Lewa marathon evening bash….Now  for those of you who might not have been in the loop, here is what  the lewa marathon is all about

Apparently prince William and the wifey stayed here right before they got hitched, William having proposed to her, at the slopes of mount Kenya, that’s not all that makes Lewa so magical, it’s the only marathon I know where guys run side by side with the animals, yes  folks there are no physical barriers separating the runners from the wildlife.

So Friday evening the guys at work @Mary @ Mashaa  @Nora came over to my workstation ,evidently psyched” you guy, si we go to lewa kesho, the company is footing the bills.”Truth be told I was already going,but I was going with the guys at Toyota Catalogue @rkoech,but the idea of not spending a dime was enticing ,”Kampuni inalipa??then am down with it”

So sato around 12pm we all hooked up in tao,the chicks looking sexy as ever @Mary @Betty the dudes already drunk.I remembered a couple of years ago Raymond Chepkwony blogged about how tusker should sponser the marathon coz at the end of the day guys still get drunk,why not make some money off it,any who  we drive off to lewa,crack a four pack of tusker and we off…..

Nanyuki was our fast stop; I love Nanyuki, best town after Nairobi and Mombasa for me, one of the only towns  this side of the equator where you can go with a million bucks and end up broke after raving and indulging in one to many extra curricula affairs.The meat at this place is equally great…and the cheap tusker from AFCO (85 bob) just seals the deal. So frothy delight and nyama later you can guess what happened next…we was high as fack, I mean ile high mpaka tukasahau kwenye tunaenda…(15 bottles o tusker will do that to you).My boy from the Army @wig_z thought we should just rave at Nanyuki and call it a weekend but we weren’t driving all this way just to rave in nanyuki

We somehow managed to drive off to Lewa some minutes past 6,I mean hakukuwa na haraka,its not like we were running or anything.The chics at the back were screaming…I guess alcohol + estrogen=heightened emotion.I dozed of next thing I remember “nyga amka,wamekataa ku allow wasee ndani”

It didn’t hit me there and then,I was still recovering from the effects of the booze,I could smell  samosas in the car,that is what I was more concerned with right now…then It sunk in and I amkad”ati ,hakuna kuingia”…I alighted to,my utter shock there was a line of cars from here to Timbuktu, and the line wasn’t easing,far from it,ilikuwa inarefuka.

waiting outside the gate.

We walked towards the gate,crowd behind, ongeada with the gate jamaa.Dude was the rudest nyga I eva met

”unafikiria watu wanaingianga lewa ovyo ovyo saa zile wanataka?Sonko amesema hakuna kuingia unless wewe ni official!”

Guys started hauling insults,some Indian guys were dishing theirs in Gujarati.Some chic was trying to seduce her way in…”mschana ebu niondokee kabla nikuje hapo”

I was bored,took my phone out decided to tweet @bcollymore cc @lewaconservacy. None of them replied(must have been offline or something)

Back to the  car, poped the trunk, took out a six pack of Heineken(courtesy of @mashaa) and decided to drown my  misery in booze..Betty joined me(I luv me a chic who can handle her booze) Mary was bongaing with some guys.Enoch was trying to pull diplomacy at the gate(evidently not working)

@mary and @betty

Then I remembered @iddsalim was from Isiolo so I decided to tweet him, he replied a couple of minutes later(probably coding)The management at Lewa must have felt we were trying to steal the rhinos or antelopes coz a few minutes later the pow pow were here.

‘’Kila mtu aingie kwa gari,na mzime hiyo kelele”…try telling that to over a hundred drunk guys blasting music from their cars…so the 5-0 realizing no one was paying much attention,decided to cock their guns ndo tukajua they mean business.I was pissed,drive all this way just to be frozen at the gate.There had to be something we could do.

Luckily Mary has a brother working  at lewa so we were let in(helps to juana in Kenya) much to the anger of the other guys…the ride from the gate was anything but comfortable…the road is basically impassible…the dust unbearable but somehow we managed to fika the campsite bone fire.

The crowd there was unbelievable, the guys at Toyota Catalogue were already there, so were guys from work(basically tulikuwa wa mwisho kufika) The music was great…Nyamachoma was in plenty…so I found my way to where the Finlay’s guys were…..grabbed a tusker…and called it a rave.

Next thing it was morning, and we were having breakfast at Meru,I was covered in dust top to bottom  but so were 30 something other guys….mtajua aje tulikuwa lewa. After breako tukatoa locks at some joint in Meru Grabbed a couple of Tuskers and drove back home.

So here I am Monday morning, splitting migraine to keep me company, Trying to get work done coz kesho am back to the road again, this time to Nakuru.Lanet to be presise, my lil brother @nelson_n passing out from the military academy. He a 1st lieutenant now, that means crazy drinking kesho…I’ll blog about that on Thursday

Ps. I hear the guys we left at the gate were finally let in around 12am after they vowed not to leave (patience pays au)

 
 

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How to spot fake Converse All Stars.

So  I finally stopped listening to Mr.Rager(kid cudi),after I had it on loop all weekend,and decided to do something constructive..go shopping for new chuck Taylor’s

Any one who knows me will admit am a sucka for converse high tops…

In my opinion converse makes the best shoes…You don’t believe me, then you Google up converse(ata wewe nakupea kazi). Any who I go check out this killer chukies @ t-mall,best shoes I ever laid my eyes on…

Price range be kinda high,you know a struggling coder doesn’t have that kind of cash lying around,so I call up the guy I know can get me anything Prof.

Most of my readers know prof,the savvy business man who can sell you anything from a blackberry to a wheelbarrow.

so here is how the conversation went down

“sema prof..nadai converse mbichi,red checked,unaweza ni hook up nazo?”

Prof being the biz guru doesn’t refuse to sell you anything under the sun,i once heard he tried selling a phone to Mabel Imbuga (JKUAT vc)..so here is what prof said

“sawa jaymo,lakini ubaya wako siku hizi unaniangushanga,kwanza ile xperia ulidai aje….niko na zingine mbili,karatasi”

so I interject “buda xperia niliwai,nadai hizo njumu tu! utafanya au?” Sensing my anxiety “sawa jaymo nipatie 4 hours ntakupigia”

converse-all-star

so I end the call,rush to kina Anto’s for xbox flossing(gears of war)..4 hours later he calls “Jaymo tupatane tao,nimezipata”

Off to tao,heart pounding in my chest,nearly got run over by a truck…I think I must have bumped into a lady with a baby on her back(sorry lady)..met prof the guru..black paper bag in hand….”ebu nizione” I mumble in anxiety….he puts his hand in the paper bag,time nearly stood still…..chuks out the chuks…..

KNOCK OFFS!!!!damn they aint real chukies,so i start bad mothing him”prof unanibeba aje hvyo mtu wangu,hizi viatu ni chinese,me nilikuwa nataka origi,zile ‘zimeanguka’ toka gari ya converse”

So prof gets irritated,am making him look bad,am tarnishing his image as a ‘clean’ business man,the kind dealing in chukies straight from America.He retorts “sasa hununui au?” “ntanunua aje vitu fake” “ubaya wako jaymo ni maringo,hi kiatu ni origi kwanza nakuuzia 3K pekee,kiatu utaishii nayo” “iza boss,hiyo kiatu ni fake”..

I walk away sadly,leaving the savvy prof with his knock off chukies….so ladies and getlemen,how do you tell if your chuk taylors are fake or no??

Here is my How to spot fake Converse All Stars for dummies guide:

1.) The price: Like seriously,if someone is selling you chukies @ 2k,na ana claim ni mbichi,then my guess is:….THEY ARE MADE IN CHINA

2.)The converse shoe logo:the original logo is pretty clear and it has a star,the fake ones are dim and weird writings on it

3.)The Tongue:the tongue is that piece of cloth under the laces,In real chukies it should have the all stars logo written clearly

4.)The sole:The sole is basically the foundation of the shoe,chukies have real rubber soles,with an indentation at the threads of the shoes

5.)The inner sole: how can you not love the feel of the original chuks interior,wearing real chukies gives you a foot orgasm of sorts,any who….the inner soles have the logo inscribed in bold color

6.) The front of the shoe: the real converse front has a line doning the color,tha leaves room for a glance of the white front part..something like this

Finally  the original chukies come in a box,not a black paper bag………

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2011 in kenyan clones, Reflections, true stories

 

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My Beef with Kenyan Campo System.

‘Today am going to blog my heart out’…this are the words i told @martoG and @nora this morning on twitter.am not going to rant about this and that but i will talk about something real,straight up real.

My topic for today is  ICT….why am i blogging about this, well a pal of mine told me something that really hit the spot.He told me  doing what you  like is freedom,liking what you do is happiness.There are two things i totally like,programming and getting high…well you all know about my fits of alcoholic indigence(after shedding light way too many times)…so lets talk about programming,and ICT for that matter.Don’t worry am not dishing out snippets of code(though I wish I could)

import javax.swing.*

This is what i know so far,Kenya has an abundance of brilliance,be it the guy who comes up with ZAWADI 2929 promos,or one of those guys running sms campaigns….to even the most trivial of things like how during the beat(NTV ) they pit two musicians against one another,and ask you to sms the dope one,yet somehow you always loose and its evident your guy is better.Like this one time they had Jay Z and Drake…Jay lost,so i got to texting and it hit me…’jaymo hawa wasee wana do hivi deliberately ndo uskie vizii u text’… i mean that’s brilliance,stealing you mulla right under you.

But do they float ideas of that nature around in campo.Ideas that you can apply i real life to earn you chedda should you kosa a white collar job at Google…hells no,the only thing computer wise that guys leave campo having mastered is:

1.)How to download  movies.I swear i have this pal(not mentioning names) who can hook  you up with any series,movie,bootlegged software as soon as yesterday.Guys in campo know torrentz like their mamas name,mediafire is like breakfast,mega upload dinner.

Dont get it twisted  unless you are selling the movies(piracy which will land your ass in jail) then you just bullshitting,wasting internet resources.

2.)Web proxies, ‘aiii mazee wameblock facebook’ does this sound familiar,then some guy gets an Eureka moment…’wacha nikushow’…types something on the address bar an hey presto….facebook in all its glory.That is a proxy server.In campo you can get proxy’s for facebook,twitter,youtube…anything

3.)Computer Games,jaymo dont go there….. I have to….am telling you i have another pal,played Gears Of War  for 4 days straight,missed cats and nearly went blind….okay going blind is an exaggeration..but he got blood shot eyes….ata sita bonga.

4.)Software piracy aka Cracking….dude my copy of windows just expired,my office 07 just expired..no problemo,some computer guy will patch it for you,or toy with the registry and viola..full version

Those are 4 of the things any IT,CS,CT ,MAC  guy can pull off without breaking off a sweat.Now once you are  asked to pull off something as trivial as collating a database on a  server ..?????? clueless. Then to make matters worse you chuk you phone and Google away ‘how to collate a database’

Then to make matters worse unazusha ukinyimwa job…”ati naomba serikali itafutie vijana job wenye wametoka campo”Dude like wtf….

Jaymo aint blaming the students in this faculties,am blaming the campo itself,yes jaymo is going to throw subliminal blows at Universities.Av always said my favorite campo is Strathmore…am ironically not  a student there but i have to give credit  where credit is due.Strath offers relevant material to your course,21st century shyt…kuja JKUAT u shangaee…u being taught FORTRAN at third  year…dude you teaching me FORTRAN in 2011!!! and you expect me to be relevant in the work place???And then you shamelessly preaching in class how campo should teach you to create jobs,not look for one.

I remember the first real job i got was at 3mice interactive,the guys there were trying to be little the newbies..so this guy(obviously a bully) walked up to my workstation and was like”jamaa iwant you to implement a Twitter API for a client we are working with…here is the site and other relevant material”I remember felling sorry for this guys we were working with,fine pia mini si ati nilikuwa najua ku create API,but at least i had a rough idea..hao wengine kwanza this dude who was on 2go the  whole day were clueless…do  i blame them,hells no,do i   blame 3mice for thinking we were up to the challenge,hell no either….do i blame the campo HELL YEAH.

coding

If the 3mice dude had asked one of us”naskia Nikita imetokea episode 20 naeza ipata wapi kwa net?”Then hapo angekuwa amazed,not only would he have gotten episode 20,but also a trailer of episode 21 to go along with it.

Now i know may schools of thought are of the opinion that input from the student should out way content delivered..as in pia studeee  ana faa kujisome.. i agree but without someone pointing the right direction what do you expect.

I have great respect for *ihub and mlab…for stratmore school expos,for guys like IddSalim. who fight  for what they want(Mpesa-API)…for guys like Randel at cisco systems.This are the guys who should run mentorship programs at campo,not the guys who cant even do a remote connection to solve a simple tweak error,yet insist on teaching you Java only  to abscorn the class for half the semester(Yes Mr.Felix..you suck at java,i learnt more from e books.)

copyright java &sun microsystems

With this in mind what do i have to say:change the whole system..do a bottom to top overhaul…change the course content,run expos,create Incubation labs..take JKUAT for example..create jkuatlab..a place for students to develop software,mobile apps,internet apps.Get a mentor ship program..give incentives(you will be surprised how something as little as 20k will get guys coding)Reward effort.stop rewarding guys who cram course content with first class honors,and lowers to guys who had more prowess in practical aspects of CS but never got a practical exam given to them…yet they can code even a whole operating system given the opportunity.

Get them to code in a lab with no book,or Google for help,and see how they fair,then reward accordingly.Failure to which campo will only produce guys who can crack IDM or download updates for Anti Virus Software’s

Tech companies in Kenya should stop outsourcing code to India.Companies like Google,Safaricom Equity  bank are working with local guys….this will help foster growth…angalau pia sisi ma programmer tuweze kuhamia Runda 🙂 tafakari hayo….

 
16 Comments

Posted by on June 15, 2011 in INTERNSHIP, Reflections, true stories

 

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4 stages of a Coder.

No i just had to blog about this….made my morning….hope it speaks to you,techies especially.Apparently its a forward from IddSalim’s Blog….so that being said

coders

There are 4 stages in life that a coder/designer/copy-paster/code-snatcher/hacker passes by. Most stop at stage 2. Sadly.

1. The Struggling

You have JUST managed to pay for your laptop. Unahope daily adapter isichape. Rent is an issue every end of month. You hope the Matts have not ongezad 20 bob to the standard fare today, coz home hutafika. You reach iHub/Office at 10am and leave at 10pm, coz fare itakuwa imeshuka. Pete akipandisha bei tena ya chai haukunywi. No not in protest, but because you need to decide between Pete’s Coffee and fare home. Unataka kwenda Qz na maboyz, but ferrari ni wuzisha. But you keep your head up. You can smell the coffee.

2. The Existing

Yeah. A few projects later. You still struggle with deadlines. You don’t yet know what kind of projects to say no to. You find yourself with pitiful USD 1000 per month projects. Una Nne saa hii. Mtu Mmoja. All of them are 20% done. They are blocking your capacity to accept new better deals. You are in a deadlock. Fuck. The same work pending on Monday is still pending on Friday. I know you know worramseng.

Rent si issue. You have rent for at least the next 3 months. But daily una-hope usiwe msick. Bado unatumia Matt. Shame on you. Ok, not really shame. Ukijam leo unaangusha Vitz. But bank account itaachwa ndethe. Utakuwa na Bank-Ache.

Wasee always hukuambia : ‘Whaaaaat!! Sijawahi ona msee mnoma kama wewe.’.

3. The Living

You have finally discovered something called ‘delegation’. You have 2-3 coders working under/for/with you. Umeongea na Buggz akakupa lecture about ‘integrity’. Client is KING. They must be pleased. You don’t do mickey-mouse projects no more. You pick your clients. They don’t pick you. You no longer send proposals. You get RFQs. You don’t have a CV. Your work speaks for itself.

SupremeG ameku-fanyia orders kama twice hivi. Your bank calls you to ‘Say Hi’. Kila mwezi unadeposit kama 50k to 100k to your personal account. USD. Fala hii. Ulikuwa na argument na maboyz leo. Argument noma sana. Karibu m-fight. Wanataka mwende Zanzibar for the long weekend, unaprefer Seychelles. You can’t decide kama leo Hii meeting ya Airtel uende na Kompressor ama Range. You reach iHub/Office at 11am. Umetoka Golf. You leave at 4pm. Unaenda movie kiasi na kamamsilla. Hujadecide ni kagani. Knowworramseng?

4. The Thriving

The ultimate. Ndemo anakubeep. Unashangazwa na blog posts about struggling techies. Ajeaje? How can one own a PC, know how to use it and make less that 1.5M USD per month. Pesa yako. Si ya kampuni. Kila function, luncheone, nini, nini, unaitwa. Your opinion does ‘not matter’. It is the de-facto. Goverment IT policies unazi-draft. Every coder wants to meet you. Every gal wants to mate you.

And no. You have not written your own OS. No. Wewe si mnoma like that. Ni vile umeacha kuwa coder. Umekuwa businessman. You provide solutions. Not code.

Tafakari hayo.

 
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Posted by on June 9, 2011 in Reflections, true stories

 

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This little blog of mine,am gonna let it shine.

ending campo QR code

classy post title don’t you think,any who jaymo is back,stronger than a 6am erection.And  shyt did i miss yall even spyke09 the critic….mob loving.

So the weekend was fun,save the explosion an all,bumped into a friend early  Monday morning,and no he wasn’t running late or something.Dude was doing the Monday morning  walk of shame buck to his digs.And trust me you do not want to get your walk of shame on a Monday morning,when every one is going to work,thoughtful expressions,and sober minds na wewe sa hizo umetoke Langata.

So we got to chatting,i was feeling sufficiently philanthropic so i offered coffee .Had a couple of minutes to spare any way,so dude was like”aaaai jaymo!! kwani how  early do you wake up,hii programming itakuua….”It was actually minutes to 7am

so what drives me up that early,is it the money????Far from it…anyone who knows a thing or two about programmers will tell you they don’t do it for the money.(you ask zukerburg,linus trovalds or larry page) the  love of the code is grater than that of money.The feeling of watching an algorithm come to life is like getting an orgasm….yeah its that great

I have to be up by 5am,hit the shower,get dressed and out by 6.10am.By 7am am usually at my desk,the thing i love about working here is that i get ‘breakfast’ at work.coffee and biscuits are served …..i switch on my comp(i never leave it on) and hit my 3 favorite blogs before anything else….I credit them as my early morning inspiration:

1.idd salim:

met him at kopokopo at *ihub..loved his work on the Mpesa api,before safaricom shut him down for knowing too much about the workings of their killer app.now i hear  Plus People have already developed the api…liked the way they put the slogan…’one api to rule them all’….just likes lord of the rings.his tag:Kenyan born, bred and hardened Programming professional. Unix (FreeBSD) and Linux (Debian) systems admin, Concepts creator, thinker, Mentor, Motivator, Open-Source evangelist, no-nonsense blogger, IT Security Consultant.

2:*Ihub blog:

ihub

Did i just here you ask what ihub is? you dont have a clue what Mlab is either….and you into a computer related cource?Then here is my advice to you….’dude/dudet you need to get you act together and stop living under a rock’.Any who *ihub is the shyt…its an incubation for techies.This is the only place you can talk about complex algorithms and share code without looking geeky,you try that at JKUAT!! there blog is equally impresive to

mlab_logo

3:Bikozulu:Man shall not live on code alone but on the occasional touch of biko’s  humour an word play…he blogs and also has a column on saturday magazine in the Nation.He the reason i can afford a smile even when shyt just doesnt add up

bikozulu

So after this i check my mail,its always advisable,huwezi jua labda umefutwa kazi na uko hapo ukicode.Then around 7.30 my day starts.

In campo u always here guys ask,how does this apply in real life or hii uta apply aje job….so here is my  advice to any one doing mathematics and computer science or anything related to this.

I’ll begin with the math:You see that calculus you hate,that ODE you skyved  class  or that linear algebra you was fa***g your chic….itakuja ku haunt you.If you want to code trust me lazima you kumbuka it all,and yes it does apply,how you may ask?

At *ihub  as new techies we  were trying to implement a certain app that had internet bandwidth utilization,so if this is function f(x),when is  bandwidth utilization  maximum..f'(x)=0..f”(x)=0 will give a minimum utilization which is desirable. From this The value of the function at either a max or a min is called an extreme value. f ‘(x) = 0 at both min and max value coz the tangent to the curve is horizontal- a 0 gradient hence the evaluation to 0. both the min and max points r at the extremes of the curve (cant go any further or lesser hence they r turning points).at min point f ‘(x) changes sign from − to +, the opposite at max point.so its at this point…..does that answer you???

comps:remember dfd diagrams and system analysis,the way guys think its bull,shock on you,am currently working on a certain system(code named KwaRamali) and for the last week we have been doing nothing but paper coding.Drawing dfds o n white boards and implementing data structures……does that answer you???

Anywho i love programming and i love code.thats what keeps me going

 
 

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Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus DO’s

Jana i did a post on my personal opinion of campus dont’s I lay emphasis on personal here coz that is what it is personal….so a reader actually emailed me,he goes by the name spyke09 and had a tongue lashing for me

Dear AkaJaymo;

Dude av been reading your blog and i think you got talent(**blush **blush),but yesterday you just crossed the line with all that drug talk,i was watching the news and sawa that Harun Mwau story and i couldn’t help but think of you with all that weed,ex and God knows what talk……………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………….

(He went on to say)Here is my 2 cents opinion on the post,tone all that drug talk and exhibit a level of maturity……

spyke09

So in light of that criticism i want to clarify something about janas  post,i did not tell anyone to pop pills,or light up a joint…i merely played around with words to give those already doing that a level of caution approach.That being said i thot the Harun Mwau part was rather harsh….

Back to the blogging, today I list my campus DO’s

#1

DO get laid

For real if you go through campo without this basic life skill then am guessing you either frigid or you have something life threatening that requires your blood pressure to be low.Fack all that saving your self for marriage,your spouse will not break into dance  on discovering you are a virgin,my guess is,on your weeding nyt jamaa atakuwa maji ata  kuangalia itakuwa noma…if not so you just halla at  harun mwau…he will get him doped ASAP

#2

DO get into trouble with the cops

If you are in campo and you have never thrown rocks at the jammas  in blue,or gotten arrested by them,or gotten laid by them(its  called facking the police) then i suggest you stop lazying around and do it.Am an Adrenalin Junky so you can guess how much fun i find in  this….

If the pow pow have never accosted you while in campo when you have an entire student union body to bail you out,unathani ukitoka nje ndo uta spoil????

Lakini usisahau Kitu Sewer said ‘risasi sio ndengu!!’

#3

DO something cwazy

Am not talking about running around nude(atakama that would be also be cwazy) am talking something like a road trip with the pals,the fellas or just your famo.Go to TZ drink their booze an bone their women, Go to UG and shout migingo ni yetu.(make sure you are pepper spray resistant kwanza)

Go to a pub and just drink your self stupid,sing for your chic outside her balcony(romeo and juliet style), pop viagra and bone you mama till she wants out on the relationship……..all am saying do something crazy

#4

Ngara daro siku moja

I swear you see those smart ass guys in class answering all those questions,be them one day!!!amua tu ni leo,go chop yako  yote then hiyo siku ingia daro ukiwa maji….make sure he can smell it on you,act all disoriented,then the lecturere will obviously want to make an example out of you about adverse effects of alchol…but shock on him utakuwa umeiva…..

au just simply ace an exam that everyone else fails……

#5

Do READ(spyke ths one is to please u)

For real you endad campo,by what ever means,either tafutad,or itwad (dont raise eye brows-no pun intended) got yourself into a nice faculty,then for some reason you slack!!!like wtf,unless budako ni  among those guys who own kenya i suggest you chop….ama soon you will owe kenya……For real ask anyone who slacked in campo it sucks getting a third rate job…and by third rate  i mean the walk to work(besigye style) jobs.

The kind where one off you class mates who wasnt on drugs,didnt get laid,never did nothing cwazy is the boss

I end it there……if you going for Rhino Charge au Bamburi Rugby Finals,make it rock

 

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Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus Donts

This post is inspired by college and can be confirmed by history….any resemblance with actual events is therefore purely intentional and those mentioned should contact me for compensation…..frothy compensation that is,Ruaraka style.That being said…allow me to point out today’s series

Blue mountain state:

blue mountain state

If you are in collage and haven’t watched this then am guessing you either blind(no pun intended) or a member of those weird cults preaching dooms day to anyone with an ear to lend.If however you are post or pre college then allow me to delve into a slight synopsis of the above:

The series Blue Mountain State is about a fictional college and its fictional football team “The Goats”. It covers topics of college life, including football, sex, drinking binges, drugs, wild partying, and hazing.

The plot being set allow me to begin my post,and assure you this is going to be a controversial  one so for the faint hearted just click here to leave this page:

Here is a list of  dont’s i will post the do’s tommorow

DONT’S

#1:

Dont mix weed and Alcohol

weed

Anyone who has done weed will agree its the next best thing to extacy,its gets you in the zone,into an animated state of being.Weed is the only drug i know that just hits the spot,makes you just drift

Alcohol is just that,alcohol,be it shots of god knows what,bottles of frothy indulgence or sips of lethal poison,alcohol just knows how to make it all worth it,add to that a drunk mama and you are assured of a lay

Here is where the problem comes along:Mixing:despite what Katt Williams says on pimpin pimpin,snoop on kush(and basically every other song) or your dope dealler tells you this two things do not go along,Take it from me,weed and booze will fack you up vibaya,so much so that a ditch will be your un lit(french for bed)

#2

Dont get attached to your funga

It happens all the time,boy meets girl,or girl meets boy,they funga(or fungwad for that matter).Then feelings creep up!!!

Like wtf are you doing getting emotionally attached to your clande???Then to make matters worse you keep following her/him like a love sick puppy,then the other party snobs you blatantly,you get all desperate,you spend time calling texting,your calls never get answered,your texts replied,The ringtone associated with your number is probably Mariah Carey’s Obssesed.Ukifika hapo boss,jua ni kubaya…..my advice look for a balcony and land head first-Wanjiru style(pun intended)

#3

Start a relationship

I don’t get it,seriously i don’t,why would anyone decide to settle in the first year of college,you find a chic/jamma and you hormones drive you crazy,you shag,then for god knows what reason you decide its going to be eternal,i use the word eternal here to  pot ray the seriousness of this matter.Then to make matters worse you start walking around in campus holding hands,completing each others sentences and that kind of shyt(someone get me a piuk bucket-i fell nauseous).Its all dandy and Rossy if you do this shyt on your own but what really drives me crazy is when this fake ass couples start delving advice”aiii jaymo,si uwache story mob,utafute dame utulie”.dude if you in campo here is my advice,do it big,shag and dont settle,trust me ask anyone married for 5 years and they will tell you if  time could be reversed……then again if you are the Weeding show/Samantha Bridal type sucks to be you.

To make matters worse if you in a r/ship and you aint getting any coz you are saving yourself for marriage my advice:Its like saying you don’t want to shit in a dirty toilet and decide to hold it till you find one that fits your profile of ‘appropriate’ at the end  of the day you are still gon shyt,haijalishi choo ni gani 🙂

#4

Dont get caught

Where do i begin with not getting caught. if you are in a relationship(for lack of something better to do with your campus life) and decide to get yourself a mpango wa kando,make sure you are ten steps ahead of your significant other,make sure they never suspect,since this blog is not dedicated to this concept am not going to explain how not to…wewe jisort tu!!!

If its an exam you haven’t studied for and you can’t come up with an excuse for not taking it an copying/using a mwax is the only redemption for your poor soul then make sure you don’t get caught,ask anyone who has been caught dubbing an exam….it feels bad getting you ass grilled before a panel

If you do drugs of any kind(though i wouldn’t advice you to) don’t get caught.if its poppin ex,smoking a joint or just drinking at odd hours don’t get caught.

#5

Dont play a sport

This one is from personal experience.Dont play soccer,be the guy who disses the players….be the guy who always comments how the game should have been played.Dont play rugby,its always fun to get drunk in a rugby game. That way you can take advantage of the other drunk people.If you dont believe me you go watch 15s this weekend and tell me who has more fun…..the drunk,horny spectators or sweaty guys on the field

Of course kuna watu wata ongezea”Jaymo what about BMS??si hao  players hu spoil”My answer to this would be if the team you want to play for while in college has a dedicated set of cheer leaders with silicone modified boobs and a coch with a big ass crib then play,play your heart out,while you at it get an injury or two,the insurance ought to compensate you handsomely.But if your team doesnt fit this profile……don’t play

#6

Dont forget to use a rubber

This one was inspired by true events.Alot has been said  about the c word so let me also give my opinion:If you shag a clande and dont use a rubber here is what could happen

1.You could get an STD not curable by penicilin and some antibiotics

2.You could give them an STD not curable by penicilin or some antibiotics

If you shagging your significant other:

1.you could end up being mama nanii au baba nanii

2.You could get an STD not curable by penicilin and some antibiotics

3.You could give them an STD not curable by penicilin or some antibiotics.

That being said feel free to comment to this post in any way you feel will benefit the readers

 
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Posted by on June 2, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES., Reflections, true stories

 

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