Category Archives: Humour
I like this Fabo’s song that goes something like “…… sometimes I amaze sometimes I disappoint, sometimes I treat friends like its just some change, like shaq in the line you probably miss the point but when you take a chance ever wondered where you took it from……..”
I am all sleepy, its 11.08 pm and I havent slept since jana… What have I been up to? well you may think I was engaging in the usual froty indulgence that saw me photofinish some time in the Am and I had to get my ass back to campo in time for that Numerical Analysis lesson<yes I have a class on a public holiday>. But no I was coding… I got in the zone around 7pm jana evening and hevent left my machine since… I must have overdosed on coffee coz I swear I cant feel my face.
Am listening to Denis Brown as I write this not because I have suddenly shfifted to reggae for relaxing but simply coz my playlist has ishad and the last songs I added were reggae. I love code… the feeling one gets when you type something into an IDE and a living breathing(ok not exactly breathing) piece of software comes out. I guess that’s what God must have felt after creation,looking at the work of his hands and smilling simply to himself. I have been struggling with JSON for sometime… it was posting an error in my application….what application you may ask?
well for my final year am writing an android application that makes realestate mapping very easy, crudely put unaweza tafuta hao very easily… well Several of m beta testers have benn comaplaining that the code was posting some run-time error. Hii imenikuala akili sana, so I had to find a way of solving it bila ku re write code yote. Jana afta supper I went online. Found several forums about this and that,and started operating on my patient call me doctor James.
I get in the zone most times,plug in my head phones and just forget it all…. get all indulged in the code. At times this facks up alot of things in my life… yes you know that saying that goes that all nerds end up being alone coz half the time they chase away the good things in their life and elope with the code ,well its true..so before i go to sleep, i want to clear the air and talk to one or two readers who happen to be close friends of mine but who i have lengad for some time due to my over indulgence in certain.
Sorry pseudo names will be employed to mask true identity….
I begin with Biquits.. yes i know am a dick at times, i spend more time with code than i do with you, its nothing personal, i know you understand.. you the one who encourages me to do this stuff and even when i get syntax errors i always know you will tell me to keep my head up.
Kabinti...Frothy friday nilikuona but shyt happened, went back to campo and ave been coding since.. i missed a CAT coz i was too tired from the previous night to even soma. I know you good kwenye uko so i will achia hapo..just wanted you to know.
Jean Grey aka the therapist, If you buy a gun and shoot me then let it be stated in my will that i forgive you, I have not seen or heard from you in ages.. i don’t know if you even read my blog anymore but if it helps i still miss the sessions where i would speak geek and you would Google and try to be all nerd on me. Miss that alot so as soon as my app is done me and you are doing that Coffee at Mug’s
The words in me were itching like literally…I haven’t written in a while…not writers block eating me up…hell no…maybe a dub of liquor and boredom add the coding to that ,the erratic wi-fi that characterizes my life and you probably get why I was kinda off.
Today is a great day to write, Saturdays are usually good for me woke up and dissed Ictumwet for going to a bash without me she looked pretty from my drive way…did kidogo coding and decided to halla at the code sensei *read Iddsalim*, I was bumping to windeck and he gave me a link to remix,Talked bout this and that.he was at ihub so kept the storo short
Any who today amo vent…yeah thats right amo vent…am that Guy today..the guy who cant throw stones coz he lives in a glass house so he decides to throw words. Sasa Jaymo una vent ju ya nini….what else frothy friday,I guess after you have spent a couple of years in college every thing seems like crap coz you have been there done that, bought the t-shirt and lost it.
Booooo sour grape syndrome ndo unayo….ok let me feel you in.A ka fresha decides to feel all hot on you,amevaa ile sura ya niongeleshe uone…lakini nguo ni zile za leo silalai kwangu…. the froth in you was kinda accelerated and she seemed fly for a minute…and the tat above her right boob kinda looked hot in retrospect to the dark…you are weaving all your words of deception with such prowess…word play is at its highest. The froth be confusing coz you can swear you must have heard here say …”sijiskii kubonga” and the first thing to hit you was what?????But you facked as hell you dont know the question you asked her to warrant that responce..maybe it was “I think your A cup boobs would look better with kidogo silicone implants to swell em up,dont you agree?”All in all you now solo…and the only thing you left with is that boti of Pili looking sexy as hell,you order another and you now having what I call a frothy threesome.(you,plili #1 & pili #2)
Huyo wewe next damsel….”sap ma,I kinda dig that look you have on tonight”…she smiles,you can swear its a blush,or maybe a giggle “thanx…I havent seen you before,you new?” You engage yourself in a minute of monologue..kwani am supposed to be like an EABL billboard ndo uni notice…but you refrain from anything valgour “si niko low key,u know how this things go”… she has a blank expression…its like she buffering what you just told her…it hits home…fack this you too slow for my liking…
From the distance you can see Right man*read Marto* be all up on some mama….unajua usipotia bidii ni wewe unalala nje leo….you downing the bottles like they plain water or something…the booze is kicking in..real fast….fack JKUAT for few mamas and a hundred jamaas,itabidii umebafua jamaa flani…
Killer smile check…some chic is obviously not into the vybe ana pewa na jaymo be the solution…couple minutes later you and her move to a more secluded location…..one or to shots of that,mixed with a some of that…….the next thing you remember is waking up on sato morning
Yes am no longer an intern….that may come as a shocker to some,or a persistent reminder to others.I officially bid Finlays Kenya goodbye on 20th August and took a sebatical of sorts…a sebatical from anything computer related…After coding for nearly 4 months almost daily i think it was well earned….
so how was Finlays,what memories did i bring back with me and would i consider working there given a shot……allow me to endulge you
My internship was rather long,the label intern was officially slapped on me on 27th April,the day I got my induction training done….Finlays is a really strict company,every-and I mean every- employee has to undergo introductory induction,on every thing from standard operating procedure to health and safety at the work place…so in the event you willingly choose to abscorn any of them then you only have yourself to blame,and hence a lawsuit would be out of the question*read clever*
I was actually the first intern to arrive(nilikuwa na nyege za job)…so i kind of didn’t have anyone to shaparone me.It was my second internship in a large company so I kind of knew what to expect(bossing around,people tyring to belittle you,usororaji mob) so i had brought my arsenal of tricks with me,everthing from code samples to ebooks
The first days were the toughest,seating alone on the bus ride to work,eating alone in the cafetria,not knowing who to talk to and who to avoid like a mutated strain of plague,where to hang out during lunch break…..you get the picture…..anywho am kind social*kinda being the key word* so i made friends quickly,the second intern (HR) arrived kitu 1 week after me,so i got a peer to hang out with…add to that she was a chic made it even better…..
The first month was hell,rockie mistakes were norm…..no matter how good you are I mean ata kama wewe ni first class kama SavvyKenya,nothing prepares you to handling new sytems ant a new place of work.This guys had the largest domain i had worked with (over 500 computers) on their network,spanning from Nairobi,Naivasha,Nanyuki,Kericho and theUK…..so you can imagine running an ActiveDirectory with that many active nodes…
I loved coding for them…atakama VB and me never crossed.. i had this book on my desk for more than 4 months and never botherd reading
When it comes to information systems I think this guys deserve a medal of sorts(or atleas a round of applause) They have Information systems for absolutely everthing…..from the basics to the superb.
Hakuana vile naeza kuenumerate zote but I can try….Workmate handles HR,Scala does Accounting…roadbase does fuel managment for fleet,Budini handles tires..lilies db is for lilies..ERP,HCOS…ziko mob wewe.
so the first one month was purely hands on ndo usifloat…..I had my own extention number(115),and you know how stuborn users can get…from the guy who couldnt get F1 to the chic who claimed to know everything(if you consider pining a server as anything)…bottom line is the first month really drained me.
From waking up at 6am to catch that bus to work,to heading home late because some server went bonkers after a storm the previous night.
Speaking of servers,I had even nicknamed them.
There were like 20 servers some i had acess to,some i only saw the big guys handle,some i never actually got to see(UK servers).But out of the ones i personally dealt with i had great love and loathe in disproportionate levesls..There was jean the FileServer,she was bitchy as hell,she was the only server that had the most moodswings(read Pms)…she went offline the most…there were the two twins.. I called them two Sly…they were the SQL servers,most of the 3tier applications relied on this….and offcource my lovely Lita,she was the proxy server(ISA server) this was the one that gave me all the browsing history,pattern na kila kitu ya watu…if you went online on my watch and Googled for Midget porn…Jaymo was watching and laughing at you..
But your bwoy wasn’t all work with no play,no sir…he had his equal measure of frothy indulgence….the crazy Lewa marathon where i found myself in Meru that morning (read hangover2)…Drinking sprees in weird place.
Generally Finlays was a great place….
Ill miss the place,ill miss the people….especially one someone i left there….eeehh anajijua…..
Intention:Re blog a work of art
Permissions:Its my blog God damn it,i can re blog aslong as i pay Literal appreciation to the author
That being said,allow me to re blog something i read from crazy Nairobian jana:
Announcement for New Degree course B.Sc (Drinking)
The University Of Nairobi has announced the introduction of a brand new degree course, B.Sc (Drinking), which will be offered through local pubs and restaurants at very affordable fees. Details for the new course as availed to the press are as follows;
1) The lessons will be taken during weekends and Friday evening at any Pub, restaurant or other outlet with relevant course materials subject to the Mututho Law.
2) Before taking any of the hard courses, all students are required to undertake introductory courses like Nyama Choma 106, Eat At Your Mothers House 107, Supu Na Ulimi 108 or Kudoea Kwa Neighbor 110.
3) Core courses include WD 101 (Weekend drinking 101) and the difficult Nursing Hangovers 102. For those who find these courses a little tough, Pucking 103 will be offered in Lecture Room LOO A and LOO B.
4) Those who take Pucking 103 away from these venues might enjoy Vibare 606 or Makumbo 702 for free from other Lecturers on duty like Prof Bouncer, Dr Makanga and the very thorough Prof Members Ole Public.
5) All students are required to have all relevant course materials including Sufficient bottles of beer, Nyama choma, cigarrettes (optional) and pocket money for personal use during the course. PLEASE, DO NOT ATTEND WITHOUT RELEVANT MATERIALS HOPING TO SHARE OR STEAL!
6) Female students found trying to issue sexual favours for better grades will be punished by being forced to take Mpango wa kando 201 or chips Funga 202 courses after classes.
7) Items deemed illegal in the lecture hall include Alvaro, assorted sodas and mineral water. Students caught with these items in the lecture room will be kicked out! Class Prefects including Mr. Waiter and Miss Waitress will be on the look out for such.
8) Students hoping to improve their grades are welcome for remedial classes every during weekdays. Extra charges will apply.
9) While the outlets offering these services will strive to provide materials for neccesary for the course completion like tables, chairs and lab materials like glasses and plates, the materials may not be enough depending on the time of month. Students are thus adviced to report early to avoid disappointments.
10) ALL students who want to take home-learning courses are adviced to collect the books, SIX-PACK by Tusker, Pilsner or Redds, Viceroy – A case study of Alcohol content 40%, ZAPPA – watch your shit go red, and other relevant course books and materials as listed in the local notice board in any supermarket under ALCOHOLIC DRINKS.
11) Parallel Degree Programs for those with low grades and lots of money will be offered at special outlets like Hilton, 680 hotel, SERENA and Panafric Hotel. More outlets will be announced soon. Please not Chang’aa 501, Busaa 502, Keg 503 and Muratina 504 are strictly NOT offered under the parallel degree program.
a) University of Nairobi will not be liable for physical and financial damages or time-loss incurred by any students who report to the wrong lecture halls especially classes that offer courses like Policemen 404, Ngeta 602 and Mdudu 609 and Mututho 202.
b) The University recommends all students carry one BF or GF to class depending on preferences. Students who fail to do this are required to drop the course, Game-Yako-Iko-Down 909, if they wish to avoid taking loneliness 901 in the lecture rooms. …
Jana i did a post on my personal opinion of campus dont’s I lay emphasis on personal here coz that is what it is personal….so a reader actually emailed me,he goes by the name spyke09 and had a tongue lashing for me
Dude av been reading your blog and i think you got talent(**blush **blush),but yesterday you just crossed the line with all that drug talk,i was watching the news and sawa that Harun Mwau story and i couldn’t help but think of you with all that weed,ex and God knows what talk……………………………………………………………………………………………………
(He went on to say)Here is my 2 cents opinion on the post,tone all that drug talk and exhibit a level of maturity……
So in light of that criticism i want to clarify something about janas post,i did not tell anyone to pop pills,or light up a joint…i merely played around with words to give those already doing that a level of caution approach.That being said i thot the Harun Mwau part was rather harsh….
Back to the blogging, today I list my campus DO’s
DO get laid
For real if you go through campo without this basic life skill then am guessing you either frigid or you have something life threatening that requires your blood pressure to be low.Fack all that saving your self for marriage,your spouse will not break into dance on discovering you are a virgin,my guess is,on your weeding nyt jamaa atakuwa maji ata kuangalia itakuwa noma…if not so you just halla at harun mwau…he will get him doped ASAP
DO get into trouble with the cops
If you are in campo and you have never thrown rocks at the jammas in blue,or gotten arrested by them,or gotten laid by them(its called facking the police) then i suggest you stop lazying around and do it.Am an Adrenalin Junky so you can guess how much fun i find in this….
If the pow pow have never accosted you while in campo when you have an entire student union body to bail you out,unathani ukitoka nje ndo uta spoil????
Lakini usisahau Kitu Sewer said ‘risasi sio ndengu!!’
DO something cwazy
Am not talking about running around nude(atakama that would be also be cwazy) am talking something like a road trip with the pals,the fellas or just your famo.Go to TZ drink their booze an bone their women, Go to UG and shout migingo ni yetu.(make sure you are pepper spray resistant kwanza)
Go to a pub and just drink your self stupid,sing for your chic outside her balcony(romeo and juliet style), pop viagra and bone you mama till she wants out on the relationship……..all am saying do something crazy
Ngara daro siku moja
I swear you see those smart ass guys in class answering all those questions,be them one day!!!amua tu ni leo,go chop yako yote then hiyo siku ingia daro ukiwa maji….make sure he can smell it on you,act all disoriented,then the lecturere will obviously want to make an example out of you about adverse effects of alchol…but shock on him utakuwa umeiva…..
au just simply ace an exam that everyone else fails……
Do READ(spyke ths one is to please u)
For real you endad campo,by what ever means,either tafutad,or itwad (dont raise eye brows-no pun intended) got yourself into a nice faculty,then for some reason you slack!!!like wtf,unless budako ni among those guys who own kenya i suggest you chop….ama soon you will owe kenya……For real ask anyone who slacked in campo it sucks getting a third rate job…and by third rate i mean the walk to work(besigye style) jobs.
The kind where one off you class mates who wasnt on drugs,didnt get laid,never did nothing cwazy is the boss
I end it there……if you going for Rhino Charge au Bamburi Rugby Finals,make it rock