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Category Archives: MEMORIES.

JKUAT graduation. A letter to the fresha Jaymo

So he is finally graduating ….yes Jaymo is finally getting that piece of paper that will persuade mum that all the money she spent on me was not wasted. So as I was thinking of going for my Gown at Juja  a pal of mine asked me what I would tell the younger version of me if I could teleport back to 2008. back to when I was a freshman at JKUAT. Well after much pondering I came up with a list of the things I would tell first year Jaymo.

1.Campus will be over  before you know it,so have fun.I know it seems like all those Math lessons last forever but before you know it you will be doing your finals asking the crew when you will be having the last rave.You will have mad fun, you will get into trouble also…but the guys you call the crew will make campo rock the most. Marto,Pato,Ritchie,Mogaka,kush,mash and Brayo will have the weirdest plots.From kuchinja mbuzi 6.30 jioni just for the sake,to drinking Friday at 1pm till sato Morning(Photo finishing). You will get arrested by cops,take part in strikes,try and steal votes during JKUSO elections. Wake up to find Hookers in your room.Move into some of the best hostels in campo,get kicked out,become squatters do ratish and local brew kwa Pamela. The crew will be awesome. You and martin will get accusations of being drug dealers in school.That being said, don’t procrastinate in your studies (as hard as it is). Coz that will be your greatest vice. Skiving CATs and thinking to yourself ati utafanya make up next week is the largest lie that will mark your Academic life…You will make half of the math teachers hate you for this especially the Numerical Analysis CATs and Exam that you have never done to date.

2.Rave without guilt. I know you found yourself in a class full of math geeks who think the most fun thing to do is find the Integral of x in a 3D plane. Usijifause kwa hiyo crap. Enda frothy friday kama kawaa, nurse your hungie on Sato and back to class like in on Monday.Maths and comp class will have some of the smartest people you will ever find,some of the dumbest pia. Guys who will try and show they know better to win favor in the eyes of the Dawns,Guys who don’t know what unit they are in. Guys who will always  have time to teach you a thing or two in math (s/o to Kaunde I hear utakuwa lecturer soon..good work bro).Guys you will give your comp assigmnets/cats/exams to dub,Guys who will give you their math assigmnets/cats/exams to dub also. That’s Maths Comp  baabie… everyone will copy.

3.You will make 2 great friends in your class Marto and Stella. You will do  crazy stuff pamoja. you will get crazy marks in CATS (bot sides of the graph), you will get beef from people who don’t get the trinity. You will chew together in clubs,do the long mess lines kwa mess pigaing stories like crazy.Do pilau on Friday and ka Nyama weekend. Skive class to go swimming on a Wednesday .miss exam marks coz Stella forgot the email address (again) Diss all the exes you have/had,you will create something called the HAGUE..all the secrets you have about stuff will be held dear and you will promise to share kwa graduation square.( cant wait for that one.)

4.Weird Lectures. you will have those lecturers who will not like your guts, some will not understand how you can write code better than them (Felix the JAVA teacher) you will look at them debugging code and wonder WTF is difficult hapo. You will gradually shift away to your own zone. since Comp science will appear easy to you but people/lectures will think you are just a bragadosho kid. You will get a D in an exam because you answered all the questions right kwa Exam (fack you Data Structures Lec).Some will become close friends others will be people you run over with your Range Rover Vogue the day you buy one.They will teach advanced concepts in Comp science kwa  your  final year .a unit you will get an A despite never being seen in that class.Your final year project will be awesome. They will make several copies of it and put it kwa Lib ya campo…yes you will be immortalized.

5.You will make friends,you will make enemies also.The two exist together like ying and yang.But the worst thing will be when people you hold dear stub you in the back.Screw you in deals.That will hurt but you got to keep it real .I rest that on there.

6.Hug Mum more,she will always be the one to support you when everyone else will be giving you the eye.You will have your difficult times.She will find out that you drink but will not think much of it till you fack up stuff at around 2ND year.she will still pray for you and listen to you tell her about code. She will still insist that you get a hair cut coz she like you neat (its 2012 na bado alinikumbusha this morning), she will still insist you eat the first chapo she cooks,and pea you more nyama than your sisters.treasure that and be there for her during her hard times

7. Faii and Mercy your two lovely sisters will still treat you like a kid, take advantage of that (financially pia they will finance your pet projects). Don’t fight that, you will have crazy fun with them and  they will always have your back.You will end up at ihub coz of them…its a long story but they are the ones who will point you in that direction.

8.As you grow more to code people will use you.you will code stuff that you will think will land you that break you want.People will pay you little and lie to you that they will give you a bigger job next.Its  not to say you will not have your money moments.You will make mad paper and by 3rd year you will think dropping out of campo and starting Jamuhuri Tech is the smartest thing since you will have done your first 6 figure.But mum will sit you down and talk(I mean threaten you) into finishing campo.

9.You will meet a chic you will call kabinti after the song by Bamboo..she will have you smitten for most part of campo. You will write about  here>> . Don’t worry In your  final sem of campo things will take a rather unusual turn. You will meet a coder chic. She will tell you stuff about Picaso and van Gogh. She will look at you like the best coder in the world. She will read books about the Gulag, listen to Lupe Fiasco make you listen to Bob Marley for the first time in your life.You will understand alot with her and make her continue  blogging (she blogs here>>). All I can say,she will be the best thing in your life. So don’t fret fate will be good to you.

10. You will start a blog. this blog actually, to share what you think of life. to share your code stuff.People will read it. Some will not understand it, others will love it. You will write similar to Idd Salim and people will diss you for that (Salim himself will tell you that also). But Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and for that he will let it slide.You will meet great coders in Kenya, they will teach you alot you will also share alot with other coders. Some will steal your work, others will claim your work to be there’s. All this events will be immortalized  in this blog.This little blog of yours.

So in conclusion first year Jaymo… tomorrow I get my graduation gown, and call JKUAT my Alma-mater as of next week.You will do good things…actually great things..so I have confidence in you and that is all the older Jaymo has to say.

<peace/>

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11 Comments

Posted by on November 21, 2012 in JKUAT, MEMORIES., music, twitter

 

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Frothy Friday.

The words in me were itching like literally…I haven’t written in a while…not  writers block eating me up…hell no…maybe a dub of liquor and boredom add the coding to that ,the erratic wi-fi that characterizes my life and you probably get why I was kinda off.

Today is a great day to write, Saturdays are usually good for me woke up and dissed Ictumwet for going to a bash without me she looked pretty from my drive way…did kidogo  coding and decided to halla at the code  sensei *read Iddsalim*, I was bumping to windeck and he gave me a link to remix,Talked bout this and that.he was at ihub so kept the storo short

Any who today amo vent…yeah thats right amo vent…am that Guy today..the guy who cant throw stones coz he lives in a glass house so he decides to throw words. Sasa Jaymo una vent ju ya nini….what else frothy friday,I guess after you have spent a couple of years in college every thing seems like crap coz you have  been there done that, bought the t-shirt and lost it.

Booooo sour grape syndrome ndo unayo….ok let me feel you in.A ka fresha decides to feel all hot on you,amevaa ile sura ya niongeleshe uone…lakini nguo ni zile  za leo silalai kwangu…. the froth in you was kinda accelerated and she seemed fly for a minute…and the tat above her right boob kinda looked hot in retrospect to the dark…you are weaving all your words of deception  with such prowess…word play is at its highest. The froth be confusing coz you can swear you must have heard here say …”sijiskii kubonga” and the first thing to hit you was what?????But you facked as hell you dont know the question you asked her to warrant that responce..maybe  it was “I think your A cup boobs would look better with kidogo silicone implants to swell em up,dont you agree?”All in all you now solo…and the only thing you left with is that boti of Pili looking sexy as hell,you order another and you now having what I call a frothy threesome.(you,plili #1 & pili #2)

Huyo wewe next damsel….”sap ma,I kinda dig that look you have on tonight”…she smiles,you can swear its a blush,or maybe  a giggle “thanx…I havent seen you before,you new?” You engage yourself in  a minute of  monologue..kwani am supposed to be like an EABL billboard ndo uni notice…but you refrain from anything valgour “si niko low key,u know how this things go”… she has a blank expression…its like she buffering what you just told her…it hits home…fack this you too slow for my liking…

From the distance you can see Right man*read Marto* be all up on some mama….unajua usipotia bidii ni wewe unalala nje leo….you downing the bottles like they plain water or something…the booze is kicking in..real fast….fack JKUAT for few mamas and a hundred jamaas,itabidii umebafua jamaa flani…

Killer smile check…some chic is obviously not into the vybe ana pewa na jaymo be the solution…couple minutes later you and her move to a more secluded  location…..one or to shots of that,mixed with a some of that…….the next thing you remember is waking up on sato morning

 
2 Comments

Posted by on September 24, 2011 in campo, Humour, MEMORIES.

 

The Intern Life.

Yes am no longer an intern….that may come as a shocker to some,or a persistent reminder to others.I officially bid Finlays Kenya goodbye on 20th August and took a sebatical of sorts…a sebatical from anything computer related…After coding for nearly 4 months almost daily i think it was well earned….

so how was Finlays,what memories did i bring back with me and would i consider working there given a shot……allow me to endulge you

My internship was rather long,the label intern was officially slapped on me  on 27th April,the day I got my induction training done….Finlays is a really strict company,every-and I mean every- employee has to undergo introductory induction,on every thing from standard operating procedure to health and safety at the work place…so in the event you willingly choose to abscorn any of them then you only have yourself to blame,and hence a lawsuit would be out of the question*read clever*

I was actually the first intern to arrive(nilikuwa na nyege za job)…so i kind of didn’t have anyone to shaparone me.It was my second internship in a large company so I kind of knew what to expect(bossing around,people tyring to belittle you,usororaji mob) so i had brought my arsenal of tricks with me,everthing from code samples to ebooks

The first days were the toughest,seating alone on the bus ride to work,eating alone in the cafetria,not knowing who to talk to and who to avoid like a mutated strain of plague,where to hang out during lunch break…..you get the picture…..anywho am kind social*kinda being the key word* so  i made friends quickly,the second intern (HR) arrived kitu 1 week after me,so i got a peer to hang out with…add to that she was a chic  made it even better…..

The first month was hell,rockie mistakes were norm…..no matter how good you are I mean ata kama wewe ni first class kama SavvyKenya,nothing prepares you to handling new sytems ant a new place of work.This guys had the largest domain i had worked with (over 500 computers) on their network,spanning from Nairobi,Naivasha,Nanyuki,Kericho and theUK…..so you can imagine running an ActiveDirectory with that many active nodes…

I loved coding for them…atakama VB and me never crossed.. i had this book on my desk for more than 4 months and never botherd reading

When it comes to information systems I think this guys  deserve a medal of sorts(or atleas a round of applause) They have Information systems for absolutely everthing…..from the basics to the superb.

Hakuana vile naeza kuenumerate zote but I can try….Workmate handles HR,Scala does Accounting…roadbase does fuel managment for fleet,Budini handles tires..lilies db is for lilies..ERP,HCOS…ziko mob wewe.

so the first one month was purely hands on ndo usifloat…..I had my own extention number(115),and you know how stuborn users can get…from the guy who couldnt get F1 to the chic who claimed to know everything(if you consider pining a server as anything)…bottom line is the first month really drained me.

From waking up at 6am to catch that bus to work,to heading home late because some server went bonkers after a storm the previous night.

Speaking of servers,I had even nicknamed them.

There were like 20 servers some i had acess to,some i only saw the big guys handle,some i never actually got to see(UK servers).But out of the ones i personally dealt with i had great love and loathe in disproportionate levesls..There was jean the FileServer,she was bitchy as hell,she was the only server that had the most moodswings(read Pms)…she went offline the most…there were the two twins.. I called them two Sly…they were the SQL servers,most of the 3tier applications  relied on this….and offcource my lovely Lita,she was the proxy server(ISA server) this was the one that gave me all the browsing history,pattern na kila kitu ya watu…if you went online on my watch and Googled for Midget porn…Jaymo was watching and laughing at you..

But your bwoy wasn’t all work with no  play,no  sir…he had his equal measure of frothy indulgence….the  crazy Lewa marathon where i found myself in Meru that morning (read hangover2)…Drinking sprees in weird place.

Generally Finlays was a great place….

Ill miss the place,ill miss the people….especially one someone i left there….eeehh anajijua…..

 
5 Comments

Posted by on September 5, 2011 in code, Humour, legal issues, MEMORIES., true stories, twitter

 

#My5Links: My Five Links.

If “Any blogger reading this is tagged!” qualifies as an actual tag,then I can say I was tagged by SAVVY KENYA,on this post>>.So here goes:

1.My most popular post:My Beef with Kenyan Campo System.

I kinda expected this one to be popular,coz of all the subliminal blows to the university system I  threw.

The follow up,the acknowledgment,the  insultes stupides<stupid insults> and someone listening

2.Post that didn’t get the attention it deserved:Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus Donts

I never quite got why people didnt find this post all that intersting,labda sukari yangu ni chumvi ya mwingine

3.Post whose success surprised me: @campmulla

I blogged about campmulla,and they contacted me,they even went ahead to reblog my post on their blog.

How cool is that!!!!!

4.My most controversial post: #Zegz Addict

Without a doubt it would have to be a post about a certain Nympho called Galis,Nilikemewa mpaka nika toa some content i had paraphrased

5.Post I’m most proud of:  How to spot fake Converse All Stars.

I know people may write about the plight In Turkana and label it their proudest post,but mine is about converse shoes<not that am not concerned with the plight>

a.)Because I get nearly 200 searches a day on how to spot fake converse shoes

b.)Believe it or not Converse shop gave me a big up(wish it came with a coupon)

and c.)I love me a pair of converse shoes

Viola my 5 links,I hereby tag:

Ictumwet.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on July 29, 2011 in 254, MEMORIES., true stories, twitter

 

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Frothy Indulgence @Nakuru.

Naxs Babie!!! yes folks,i was in Nakuru for the last 2 days,ok maybe 1 day and a half…but bwoy was it fun…so allow me to narrate my naxs experience,i will add an ounce of creativity on this post by framing it as a letter,a letter to my boy Prankster aka Marto,who decided to deactivate his facebook account and loose his phone so that I cant derail him no more(f*** you for that son)..so here goes

Dear Prankster;

I begin with an insult, just like I always do ,wewe ni mbwa sana,story ya kukataa kwenda Lewa ilinibore adding insult to injury uka go a  notch higher by missing out on Naxs .Any who i know you had your reasons, jobo maybe so wacha nikushow what cut.

So me, Bob aka Emanu and RitchieRich, endad naxs for Nelson’s pass out. You remember Nelson, my boy from FTC Para Military, am guesn emanu and ritchierich be strangers,but ni maboy flani wa me I.Fikad naxs kitu 3 pm hivi and yes you can guess what I did first,called Ka binti (readers may remember her from this post)

“Sap chic, am in Nakuru, where you at”…She was kind of busy so acquaintance was promised on the next day. Great. Next call the man of the day

“Buda,IZ how,ndo nimefika..sioni ka ntafika FTC Lanet,si we can hook up in tao,do some frothy reunion?”

“sawa boss nikifika tao nta ku halla”.So me and the boys decide to hit some local, down a couple to pass tyme, RitchieRich decides to halla @mavo his boy Interning in Nakuru ,am thinking the more the merry. So I also halla @bigwill, we all hook up nje ya tuskys. Am starved, need to get me some food.

So @ marvo pelekas us to some joint, bigwill being from naxs is suprised we know the ka mjoint..allow me to indulge you I cant remember the joints name, but here is what I will neva sahau, they serve the best chicken-cheapest rather- I have ever eaten this side of the Rift valley, and at what price…120, for a big ass piece of chicken breast. Add 10 bob to that amount (ka ugali) and you got youself a hearty meal…compliments to the chef!! I received the bill with shock

130 bob

I kula ile ya njaa,then it hits me cheap kuku+nakuru=flamingo scare….so I ita the waiter, evidently in awe.

“oya boss,hii nyama vile ni mingi hivi uko sure ni ya kuku au ni flamingo??” I could have sworn i saw a hint of pink on the meat “ni kuku,za huku ni kubwa hivi,hatuwezi uza flamingo”.everyone is looking at me @emanu @willi@ritchie@mavo. So i decide to kill the storo and eat in peace…Willi has to rash back to work so we excuse him.

Next stop El Locale…

Bar Tender @El Locale

Its not the name of the club, i just nicknamed it that..its not Mututho tyme yet so we are let in incognito,chini ya maji yaani (I hope the pow pow aint reading this).Am a tusker fan,so me orders some froth and head to some fancy couch at the end..1-2-3-4 bottles later,am now psyched energizer bunny aint got nathing on me ,kina ritchie are doing shots at the counter…naaa not my style…5-6 bottles…some naxs mamas  walk in…naa not my style either.Mavo walks in,he has just brought some chic also here  for the pass out…

I didn’t get her name but forgetting her is hard..she had this long dreadlocks,the swag of a college kid and the demeanor of a peddler(pun intended).I head to  the counter,exchange pleasantries,one or two jokes to kill the tension..we do shots with lime,much to my cringe..am guessing she felt comfortable to ask me this

“do you smoke ****” I couldn’t get what she was saying clearly,the music muffled her speech”Nauliza,do you smoke WEED??” I got that loud and clear..i turn towards her,spliff in hand,In reply “Used to,but av since quit…” “pussy” she snaps at me,leaves the elLocale with the rest..back in 20mins singing redeption song like freed slaves.

Marvo and miss locks

The time 8.45pm,the mood exstatic,the crowd rowdy….the phone rings,caller ID Nelson..”mko wapi,me niko barclays,come pick me” I look @emmanu,ame chew kwa counter-(@ emmanu,najua utakataa,but najua ulikuwa umechew).So me and ritchie go pick up Nelson from Barclays

Emotional reunion,I swear i culda cried,the millitary has made him skiny,but he aint complaining,so why should i?Back to the ride,El Locale here we are….

Shouts,screams and  name calling later we decide to go to Taidys..i here it happens there,plus our kamjoint is getting rather claustrophobic if you get my drift.More boti’s of froth,ka vicerory on the side.Stories are being exchanged,threats issued to emmanu for being the chew master he is (I here at law school they call him CMB-chew master bob).He chews none the less,we leave him at the balcony to sober up…while the big boys drink on…

He sobers at around 2am..and they decide to tour the streets of Naxs—–major mistake——

The call:”buda,tuko cell,tumeshikwa” Caller ID:Ritchie, i laugh it off,drunk bastards I assume,Second call “huamini,tumeshikwa,ni kunoma”.Its past 3am,i conclude if there is anything  i can do it will have to wait till morning…(Me and the OCS aint fam na hatujuani).3.30 am they stager back in.

The almighty must really love this boys coz here they are,its like they had a  monopoly ‘get out of jail card’…They narrate the ordeal,we shrag it off,after all they safe,right?

Froth is in abudance…Taidys is closing..off to the next joint…we gully creep our way out in stealth,the pow pow maybe larking around..try silencing around 20 guys,all high as fack,major nyef nyef i tells you.

Me,Nelson,Emmanu and Ritchie head to some joint called ribbons..do kidogo froth and call it a nyt.Board at some   cheap ass place….

7.00am Nelson wakes me up,he has to report to gilgil,he has been stationed there before his pass..so he leaves…i see him off.back in like 20 mins thats when i realize Ritchie slept on the floor.. I laugh it off and offer him a bed..

RitchieRich asleep on the floor

8.30,we are woken up,its not room service,this aint the Hilton,its the cleaning guy

“Tokeni,masaa yenu imeisha,toka toka!!!!”I Manage a quick shower,slip on my converse and walk down stairs,the i see this funny sign..and decide it qualifys  as a Kodak moment

black forest 40 uji 30

I call up my lil lady(@ka binti),and kumbusha her av nt left,we head to the Kuku ya 120 joint,i do pilau and chicken..am hungry,i guess booze does that to one.Ritchie gets an Eureka moment,he wants to toa locks with a couple shots of Vice.I decline the offer,in my defence am hooking up with Ka Binti and she doesnt like me drunk(am a sucka like that i know)

She calls at around 10,we hook up for breako at Maigos(she does rather,am stuffed) we Exchange stories about this and that,programing at Finlay’s,how the fellas were nicked by the cops…She thinks i have cwazy friends…we both take our turn at dissing marto for his particular absence…

She looks great,cant help but oogle,she notices,blushes at my compliments…bob and ritchie are not amused by my Romeo an juliet shyt..They insist on going home, am faused to agree…raundi mwenda tao later we head off.

Naxs in the rear view mirror, ukooflani playing….I bead my goodbyes…And call it a rave.

So prankster, that’s what you missed, at least I filled you in on  what transpired, now you know what you missed out on.

In sobriety and froth,

AkaJaymo

 
 

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Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus DO’s

Jana i did a post on my personal opinion of campus dont’s I lay emphasis on personal here coz that is what it is personal….so a reader actually emailed me,he goes by the name spyke09 and had a tongue lashing for me

Dear AkaJaymo;

Dude av been reading your blog and i think you got talent(**blush **blush),but yesterday you just crossed the line with all that drug talk,i was watching the news and sawa that Harun Mwau story and i couldn’t help but think of you with all that weed,ex and God knows what talk……………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………….

(He went on to say)Here is my 2 cents opinion on the post,tone all that drug talk and exhibit a level of maturity……

spyke09

So in light of that criticism i want to clarify something about janas  post,i did not tell anyone to pop pills,or light up a joint…i merely played around with words to give those already doing that a level of caution approach.That being said i thot the Harun Mwau part was rather harsh….

Back to the blogging, today I list my campus DO’s

#1

DO get laid

For real if you go through campo without this basic life skill then am guessing you either frigid or you have something life threatening that requires your blood pressure to be low.Fack all that saving your self for marriage,your spouse will not break into dance  on discovering you are a virgin,my guess is,on your weeding nyt jamaa atakuwa maji ata  kuangalia itakuwa noma…if not so you just halla at  harun mwau…he will get him doped ASAP

#2

DO get into trouble with the cops

If you are in campo and you have never thrown rocks at the jammas  in blue,or gotten arrested by them,or gotten laid by them(its  called facking the police) then i suggest you stop lazying around and do it.Am an Adrenalin Junky so you can guess how much fun i find in  this….

If the pow pow have never accosted you while in campo when you have an entire student union body to bail you out,unathani ukitoka nje ndo uta spoil????

Lakini usisahau Kitu Sewer said ‘risasi sio ndengu!!’

#3

DO something cwazy

Am not talking about running around nude(atakama that would be also be cwazy) am talking something like a road trip with the pals,the fellas or just your famo.Go to TZ drink their booze an bone their women, Go to UG and shout migingo ni yetu.(make sure you are pepper spray resistant kwanza)

Go to a pub and just drink your self stupid,sing for your chic outside her balcony(romeo and juliet style), pop viagra and bone you mama till she wants out on the relationship……..all am saying do something crazy

#4

Ngara daro siku moja

I swear you see those smart ass guys in class answering all those questions,be them one day!!!amua tu ni leo,go chop yako  yote then hiyo siku ingia daro ukiwa maji….make sure he can smell it on you,act all disoriented,then the lecturere will obviously want to make an example out of you about adverse effects of alchol…but shock on him utakuwa umeiva…..

au just simply ace an exam that everyone else fails……

#5

Do READ(spyke ths one is to please u)

For real you endad campo,by what ever means,either tafutad,or itwad (dont raise eye brows-no pun intended) got yourself into a nice faculty,then for some reason you slack!!!like wtf,unless budako ni  among those guys who own kenya i suggest you chop….ama soon you will owe kenya……For real ask anyone who slacked in campo it sucks getting a third rate job…and by third rate  i mean the walk to work(besigye style) jobs.

The kind where one off you class mates who wasnt on drugs,didnt get laid,never did nothing cwazy is the boss

I end it there……if you going for Rhino Charge au Bamburi Rugby Finals,make it rock

 

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Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus Donts

This post is inspired by college and can be confirmed by history….any resemblance with actual events is therefore purely intentional and those mentioned should contact me for compensation…..frothy compensation that is,Ruaraka style.That being said…allow me to point out today’s series

Blue mountain state:

blue mountain state

If you are in collage and haven’t watched this then am guessing you either blind(no pun intended) or a member of those weird cults preaching dooms day to anyone with an ear to lend.If however you are post or pre college then allow me to delve into a slight synopsis of the above:

The series Blue Mountain State is about a fictional college and its fictional football team “The Goats”. It covers topics of college life, including football, sex, drinking binges, drugs, wild partying, and hazing.

The plot being set allow me to begin my post,and assure you this is going to be a controversial  one so for the faint hearted just click here to leave this page:

Here is a list of  dont’s i will post the do’s tommorow

DONT’S

#1:

Dont mix weed and Alcohol

weed

Anyone who has done weed will agree its the next best thing to extacy,its gets you in the zone,into an animated state of being.Weed is the only drug i know that just hits the spot,makes you just drift

Alcohol is just that,alcohol,be it shots of god knows what,bottles of frothy indulgence or sips of lethal poison,alcohol just knows how to make it all worth it,add to that a drunk mama and you are assured of a lay

Here is where the problem comes along:Mixing:despite what Katt Williams says on pimpin pimpin,snoop on kush(and basically every other song) or your dope dealler tells you this two things do not go along,Take it from me,weed and booze will fack you up vibaya,so much so that a ditch will be your un lit(french for bed)

#2

Dont get attached to your funga

It happens all the time,boy meets girl,or girl meets boy,they funga(or fungwad for that matter).Then feelings creep up!!!

Like wtf are you doing getting emotionally attached to your clande???Then to make matters worse you keep following her/him like a love sick puppy,then the other party snobs you blatantly,you get all desperate,you spend time calling texting,your calls never get answered,your texts replied,The ringtone associated with your number is probably Mariah Carey’s Obssesed.Ukifika hapo boss,jua ni kubaya…..my advice look for a balcony and land head first-Wanjiru style(pun intended)

#3

Start a relationship

I don’t get it,seriously i don’t,why would anyone decide to settle in the first year of college,you find a chic/jamma and you hormones drive you crazy,you shag,then for god knows what reason you decide its going to be eternal,i use the word eternal here to  pot ray the seriousness of this matter.Then to make matters worse you start walking around in campus holding hands,completing each others sentences and that kind of shyt(someone get me a piuk bucket-i fell nauseous).Its all dandy and Rossy if you do this shyt on your own but what really drives me crazy is when this fake ass couples start delving advice”aiii jaymo,si uwache story mob,utafute dame utulie”.dude if you in campo here is my advice,do it big,shag and dont settle,trust me ask anyone married for 5 years and they will tell you if  time could be reversed……then again if you are the Weeding show/Samantha Bridal type sucks to be you.

To make matters worse if you in a r/ship and you aint getting any coz you are saving yourself for marriage my advice:Its like saying you don’t want to shit in a dirty toilet and decide to hold it till you find one that fits your profile of ‘appropriate’ at the end  of the day you are still gon shyt,haijalishi choo ni gani 🙂

#4

Dont get caught

Where do i begin with not getting caught. if you are in a relationship(for lack of something better to do with your campus life) and decide to get yourself a mpango wa kando,make sure you are ten steps ahead of your significant other,make sure they never suspect,since this blog is not dedicated to this concept am not going to explain how not to…wewe jisort tu!!!

If its an exam you haven’t studied for and you can’t come up with an excuse for not taking it an copying/using a mwax is the only redemption for your poor soul then make sure you don’t get caught,ask anyone who has been caught dubbing an exam….it feels bad getting you ass grilled before a panel

If you do drugs of any kind(though i wouldn’t advice you to) don’t get caught.if its poppin ex,smoking a joint or just drinking at odd hours don’t get caught.

#5

Dont play a sport

This one is from personal experience.Dont play soccer,be the guy who disses the players….be the guy who always comments how the game should have been played.Dont play rugby,its always fun to get drunk in a rugby game. That way you can take advantage of the other drunk people.If you dont believe me you go watch 15s this weekend and tell me who has more fun…..the drunk,horny spectators or sweaty guys on the field

Of course kuna watu wata ongezea”Jaymo what about BMS??si hao  players hu spoil”My answer to this would be if the team you want to play for while in college has a dedicated set of cheer leaders with silicone modified boobs and a coch with a big ass crib then play,play your heart out,while you at it get an injury or two,the insurance ought to compensate you handsomely.But if your team doesnt fit this profile……don’t play

#6

Dont forget to use a rubber

This one was inspired by true events.Alot has been said  about the c word so let me also give my opinion:If you shag a clande and dont use a rubber here is what could happen

1.You could get an STD not curable by penicilin and some antibiotics

2.You could give them an STD not curable by penicilin or some antibiotics

If you shagging your significant other:

1.you could end up being mama nanii au baba nanii

2.You could get an STD not curable by penicilin and some antibiotics

3.You could give them an STD not curable by penicilin or some antibiotics.

That being said feel free to comment to this post in any way you feel will benefit the readers

 
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Posted by on June 2, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES., Reflections, true stories

 

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