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Category Archives: MEMORIES.

JKUAT graduation. A letter to the fresha Jaymo

So he is finally graduating ….yes Jaymo is finally getting that piece of paper that will persuade mum that all the money she spent on me was not wasted. So as I was thinking of going for my Gown at Juja  a pal of mine asked me what I would tell the younger version of me if I could teleport back to 2008. back to when I was a freshman at JKUAT. Well after much pondering I came up with a list of the things I would tell first year Jaymo.

1.Campus will be over  before you know it,so have fun.I know it seems like all those Math lessons last forever but before you know it you will be doing your finals asking the crew when you will be having the last rave.You will have mad fun, you will get into trouble also…but the guys you call the crew will make campo rock the most. Marto,Pato,Ritchie,Mogaka,kush,mash and Brayo will have the weirdest plots.From kuchinja mbuzi 6.30 jioni just for the sake,to drinking Friday at 1pm till sato Morning(Photo finishing). You will get arrested by cops,take part in strikes,try and steal votes during JKUSO elections. Wake up to find Hookers in your room.Move into some of the best hostels in campo,get kicked out,become squatters do ratish and local brew kwa Pamela. The crew will be awesome. You and martin will get accusations of being drug dealers in school.That being said, don’t procrastinate in your studies (as hard as it is). Coz that will be your greatest vice. Skiving CATs and thinking to yourself ati utafanya make up next week is the largest lie that will mark your Academic life…You will make half of the math teachers hate you for this especially the Numerical Analysis CATs and Exam that you have never done to date.

2.Rave without guilt. I know you found yourself in a class full of math geeks who think the most fun thing to do is find the Integral of x in a 3D plane. Usijifause kwa hiyo crap. Enda frothy friday kama kawaa, nurse your hungie on Sato and back to class like in on Monday.Maths and comp class will have some of the smartest people you will ever find,some of the dumbest pia. Guys who will try and show they know better to win favor in the eyes of the Dawns,Guys who don’t know what unit they are in. Guys who will always  have time to teach you a thing or two in math (s/o to Kaunde I hear utakuwa lecturer soon..good work bro).Guys you will give your comp assigmnets/cats/exams to dub,Guys who will give you their math assigmnets/cats/exams to dub also. That’s Maths Comp  baabie… everyone will copy.

3.You will make 2 great friends in your class Marto and Stella. You will do  crazy stuff pamoja. you will get crazy marks in CATS (bot sides of the graph), you will get beef from people who don’t get the trinity. You will chew together in clubs,do the long mess lines kwa mess pigaing stories like crazy.Do pilau on Friday and ka Nyama weekend. Skive class to go swimming on a Wednesday .miss exam marks coz Stella forgot the email address (again) Diss all the exes you have/had,you will create something called the HAGUE..all the secrets you have about stuff will be held dear and you will promise to share kwa graduation square.( cant wait for that one.)

4.Weird Lectures. you will have those lecturers who will not like your guts, some will not understand how you can write code better than them (Felix the JAVA teacher) you will look at them debugging code and wonder WTF is difficult hapo. You will gradually shift away to your own zone. since Comp science will appear easy to you but people/lectures will think you are just a bragadosho kid. You will get a D in an exam because you answered all the questions right kwa Exam (fack you Data Structures Lec).Some will become close friends others will be people you run over with your Range Rover Vogue the day you buy one.They will teach advanced concepts in Comp science kwa  your  final year .a unit you will get an A despite never being seen in that class.Your final year project will be awesome. They will make several copies of it and put it kwa Lib ya campo…yes you will be immortalized.

5.You will make friends,you will make enemies also.The two exist together like ying and yang.But the worst thing will be when people you hold dear stub you in the back.Screw you in deals.That will hurt but you got to keep it real .I rest that on there.

6.Hug Mum more,she will always be the one to support you when everyone else will be giving you the eye.You will have your difficult times.She will find out that you drink but will not think much of it till you fack up stuff at around 2ND year.she will still pray for you and listen to you tell her about code. She will still insist that you get a hair cut coz she like you neat (its 2012 na bado alinikumbusha this morning), she will still insist you eat the first chapo she cooks,and pea you more nyama than your sisters.treasure that and be there for her during her hard times

7. Faii and Mercy your two lovely sisters will still treat you like a kid, take advantage of that (financially pia they will finance your pet projects). Don’t fight that, you will have crazy fun with them and  they will always have your back.You will end up at ihub coz of them…its a long story but they are the ones who will point you in that direction.

8.As you grow more to code people will use you.you will code stuff that you will think will land you that break you want.People will pay you little and lie to you that they will give you a bigger job next.Its  not to say you will not have your money moments.You will make mad paper and by 3rd year you will think dropping out of campo and starting Jamuhuri Tech is the smartest thing since you will have done your first 6 figure.But mum will sit you down and talk(I mean threaten you) into finishing campo.

9.You will meet a chic you will call kabinti after the song by Bamboo..she will have you smitten for most part of campo. You will write about  here>> . Don’t worry In your  final sem of campo things will take a rather unusual turn. You will meet a coder chic. She will tell you stuff about Picaso and van Gogh. She will look at you like the best coder in the world. She will read books about the Gulag, listen to Lupe Fiasco make you listen to Bob Marley for the first time in your life.You will understand alot with her and make her continue  blogging (she blogs here>>). All I can say,she will be the best thing in your life. So don’t fret fate will be good to you.

10. You will start a blog. this blog actually, to share what you think of life. to share your code stuff.People will read it. Some will not understand it, others will love it. You will write similar to Idd Salim and people will diss you for that (Salim himself will tell you that also). But Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and for that he will let it slide.You will meet great coders in Kenya, they will teach you alot you will also share alot with other coders. Some will steal your work, others will claim your work to be there’s. All this events will be immortalized  in this blog.This little blog of yours.

So in conclusion first year Jaymo… tomorrow I get my graduation gown, and call JKUAT my Alma-mater as of next week.You will do good things…actually great things..so I have confidence in you and that is all the older Jaymo has to say.

<peace/>

 
11 Comments

Posted by on November 21, 2012 in JKUAT, MEMORIES., music, twitter

 

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Frothy Friday.

The words in me were itching like literally…I haven’t written in a while…not  writers block eating me up…hell no…maybe a dub of liquor and boredom add the coding to that ,the erratic wi-fi that characterizes my life and you probably get why I was kinda off.

Today is a great day to write, Saturdays are usually good for me woke up and dissed Ictumwet for going to a bash without me she looked pretty from my drive way…did kidogo  coding and decided to halla at the code  sensei *read Iddsalim*, I was bumping to windeck and he gave me a link to remix,Talked bout this and that.he was at ihub so kept the storo short

Any who today amo vent…yeah thats right amo vent…am that Guy today..the guy who cant throw stones coz he lives in a glass house so he decides to throw words. Sasa Jaymo una vent ju ya nini….what else frothy friday,I guess after you have spent a couple of years in college every thing seems like crap coz you have  been there done that, bought the t-shirt and lost it.

Booooo sour grape syndrome ndo unayo….ok let me feel you in.A ka fresha decides to feel all hot on you,amevaa ile sura ya niongeleshe uone…lakini nguo ni zile  za leo silalai kwangu…. the froth in you was kinda accelerated and she seemed fly for a minute…and the tat above her right boob kinda looked hot in retrospect to the dark…you are weaving all your words of deception  with such prowess…word play is at its highest. The froth be confusing coz you can swear you must have heard here say …”sijiskii kubonga” and the first thing to hit you was what?????But you facked as hell you dont know the question you asked her to warrant that responce..maybe  it was “I think your A cup boobs would look better with kidogo silicone implants to swell em up,dont you agree?”All in all you now solo…and the only thing you left with is that boti of Pili looking sexy as hell,you order another and you now having what I call a frothy threesome.(you,plili #1 & pili #2)

Huyo wewe next damsel….”sap ma,I kinda dig that look you have on tonight”…she smiles,you can swear its a blush,or maybe  a giggle “thanx…I havent seen you before,you new?” You engage yourself in  a minute of  monologue..kwani am supposed to be like an EABL billboard ndo uni notice…but you refrain from anything valgour “si niko low key,u know how this things go”… she has a blank expression…its like she buffering what you just told her…it hits home…fack this you too slow for my liking…

From the distance you can see Right man*read Marto* be all up on some mama….unajua usipotia bidii ni wewe unalala nje leo….you downing the bottles like they plain water or something…the booze is kicking in..real fast….fack JKUAT for few mamas and a hundred jamaas,itabidii umebafua jamaa flani…

Killer smile check…some chic is obviously not into the vybe ana pewa na jaymo be the solution…couple minutes later you and her move to a more secluded  location…..one or to shots of that,mixed with a some of that…….the next thing you remember is waking up on sato morning

 
2 Comments

Posted by on September 24, 2011 in campo, Humour, MEMORIES.

 

The Intern Life.

Yes am no longer an intern….that may come as a shocker to some,or a persistent reminder to others.I officially bid Finlays Kenya goodbye on 20th August and took a sebatical of sorts…a sebatical from anything computer related…After coding for nearly 4 months almost daily i think it was well earned….

so how was Finlays,what memories did i bring back with me and would i consider working there given a shot……allow me to endulge you

My internship was rather long,the label intern was officially slapped on me  on 27th April,the day I got my induction training done….Finlays is a really strict company,every-and I mean every- employee has to undergo introductory induction,on every thing from standard operating procedure to health and safety at the work place…so in the event you willingly choose to abscorn any of them then you only have yourself to blame,and hence a lawsuit would be out of the question*read clever*

I was actually the first intern to arrive(nilikuwa na nyege za job)…so i kind of didn’t have anyone to shaparone me.It was my second internship in a large company so I kind of knew what to expect(bossing around,people tyring to belittle you,usororaji mob) so i had brought my arsenal of tricks with me,everthing from code samples to ebooks

The first days were the toughest,seating alone on the bus ride to work,eating alone in the cafetria,not knowing who to talk to and who to avoid like a mutated strain of plague,where to hang out during lunch break…..you get the picture…..anywho am kind social*kinda being the key word* so  i made friends quickly,the second intern (HR) arrived kitu 1 week after me,so i got a peer to hang out with…add to that she was a chic  made it even better…..

The first month was hell,rockie mistakes were norm…..no matter how good you are I mean ata kama wewe ni first class kama SavvyKenya,nothing prepares you to handling new sytems ant a new place of work.This guys had the largest domain i had worked with (over 500 computers) on their network,spanning from Nairobi,Naivasha,Nanyuki,Kericho and theUK…..so you can imagine running an ActiveDirectory with that many active nodes…

I loved coding for them…atakama VB and me never crossed.. i had this book on my desk for more than 4 months and never botherd reading

When it comes to information systems I think this guys  deserve a medal of sorts(or atleas a round of applause) They have Information systems for absolutely everthing…..from the basics to the superb.

Hakuana vile naeza kuenumerate zote but I can try….Workmate handles HR,Scala does Accounting…roadbase does fuel managment for fleet,Budini handles tires..lilies db is for lilies..ERP,HCOS…ziko mob wewe.

so the first one month was purely hands on ndo usifloat…..I had my own extention number(115),and you know how stuborn users can get…from the guy who couldnt get F1 to the chic who claimed to know everything(if you consider pining a server as anything)…bottom line is the first month really drained me.

From waking up at 6am to catch that bus to work,to heading home late because some server went bonkers after a storm the previous night.

Speaking of servers,I had even nicknamed them.

There were like 20 servers some i had acess to,some i only saw the big guys handle,some i never actually got to see(UK servers).But out of the ones i personally dealt with i had great love and loathe in disproportionate levesls..There was jean the FileServer,she was bitchy as hell,she was the only server that had the most moodswings(read Pms)…she went offline the most…there were the two twins.. I called them two Sly…they were the SQL servers,most of the 3tier applications  relied on this….and offcource my lovely Lita,she was the proxy server(ISA server) this was the one that gave me all the browsing history,pattern na kila kitu ya watu…if you went online on my watch and Googled for Midget porn…Jaymo was watching and laughing at you..

But your bwoy wasn’t all work with no  play,no  sir…he had his equal measure of frothy indulgence….the  crazy Lewa marathon where i found myself in Meru that morning (read hangover2)…Drinking sprees in weird place.

Generally Finlays was a great place….

Ill miss the place,ill miss the people….especially one someone i left there….eeehh anajijua…..

 
5 Comments

Posted by on September 5, 2011 in code, Humour, legal issues, MEMORIES., true stories, twitter

 

#My5Links: My Five Links.

If “Any blogger reading this is tagged!” qualifies as an actual tag,then I can say I was tagged by SAVVY KENYA,on this post>>.So here goes:

1.My most popular post:My Beef with Kenyan Campo System.

I kinda expected this one to be popular,coz of all the subliminal blows to the university system I  threw.

The follow up,the acknowledgment,the  insultes stupides<stupid insults> and someone listening

2.Post that didn’t get the attention it deserved:Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus Donts

I never quite got why people didnt find this post all that intersting,labda sukari yangu ni chumvi ya mwingine

3.Post whose success surprised me: @campmulla

I blogged about campmulla,and they contacted me,they even went ahead to reblog my post on their blog.

How cool is that!!!!!

4.My most controversial post: #Zegz Addict

Without a doubt it would have to be a post about a certain Nympho called Galis,Nilikemewa mpaka nika toa some content i had paraphrased

5.Post I’m most proud of:  How to spot fake Converse All Stars.

I know people may write about the plight In Turkana and label it their proudest post,but mine is about converse shoes<not that am not concerned with the plight>

a.)Because I get nearly 200 searches a day on how to spot fake converse shoes

b.)Believe it or not Converse shop gave me a big up(wish it came with a coupon)

and c.)I love me a pair of converse shoes

Viola my 5 links,I hereby tag:

Ictumwet.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on July 29, 2011 in 254, MEMORIES., true stories, twitter

 

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Frothy Indulgence @Nakuru.

Naxs Babie!!! yes folks,i was in Nakuru for the last 2 days,ok maybe 1 day and a half…but bwoy was it fun…so allow me to narrate my naxs experience,i will add an ounce of creativity on this post by framing it as a letter,a letter to my boy Prankster aka Marto,who decided to deactivate his facebook account and loose his phone so that I cant derail him no more(f*** you for that son)..so here goes

Dear Prankster;

I begin with an insult, just like I always do ,wewe ni mbwa sana,story ya kukataa kwenda Lewa ilinibore adding insult to injury uka go a  notch higher by missing out on Naxs .Any who i know you had your reasons, jobo maybe so wacha nikushow what cut.

So me, Bob aka Emanu and RitchieRich, endad naxs for Nelson’s pass out. You remember Nelson, my boy from FTC Para Military, am guesn emanu and ritchierich be strangers,but ni maboy flani wa me I.Fikad naxs kitu 3 pm hivi and yes you can guess what I did first,called Ka binti (readers may remember her from this post)

“Sap chic, am in Nakuru, where you at”…She was kind of busy so acquaintance was promised on the next day. Great. Next call the man of the day

“Buda,IZ how,ndo nimefika..sioni ka ntafika FTC Lanet,si we can hook up in tao,do some frothy reunion?”

“sawa boss nikifika tao nta ku halla”.So me and the boys decide to hit some local, down a couple to pass tyme, RitchieRich decides to halla @mavo his boy Interning in Nakuru ,am thinking the more the merry. So I also halla @bigwill, we all hook up nje ya tuskys. Am starved, need to get me some food.

So @ marvo pelekas us to some joint, bigwill being from naxs is suprised we know the ka mjoint..allow me to indulge you I cant remember the joints name, but here is what I will neva sahau, they serve the best chicken-cheapest rather- I have ever eaten this side of the Rift valley, and at what price…120, for a big ass piece of chicken breast. Add 10 bob to that amount (ka ugali) and you got youself a hearty meal…compliments to the chef!! I received the bill with shock

130 bob

I kula ile ya njaa,then it hits me cheap kuku+nakuru=flamingo scare….so I ita the waiter, evidently in awe.

“oya boss,hii nyama vile ni mingi hivi uko sure ni ya kuku au ni flamingo??” I could have sworn i saw a hint of pink on the meat “ni kuku,za huku ni kubwa hivi,hatuwezi uza flamingo”.everyone is looking at me @emanu @willi@ritchie@mavo. So i decide to kill the storo and eat in peace…Willi has to rash back to work so we excuse him.

Next stop El Locale…

Bar Tender @El Locale

Its not the name of the club, i just nicknamed it that..its not Mututho tyme yet so we are let in incognito,chini ya maji yaani (I hope the pow pow aint reading this).Am a tusker fan,so me orders some froth and head to some fancy couch at the end..1-2-3-4 bottles later,am now psyched energizer bunny aint got nathing on me ,kina ritchie are doing shots at the counter…naaa not my style…5-6 bottles…some naxs mamas  walk in…naa not my style either.Mavo walks in,he has just brought some chic also here  for the pass out…

I didn’t get her name but forgetting her is hard..she had this long dreadlocks,the swag of a college kid and the demeanor of a peddler(pun intended).I head to  the counter,exchange pleasantries,one or two jokes to kill the tension..we do shots with lime,much to my cringe..am guessing she felt comfortable to ask me this

“do you smoke ****” I couldn’t get what she was saying clearly,the music muffled her speech”Nauliza,do you smoke WEED??” I got that loud and clear..i turn towards her,spliff in hand,In reply “Used to,but av since quit…” “pussy” she snaps at me,leaves the elLocale with the rest..back in 20mins singing redeption song like freed slaves.

Marvo and miss locks

The time 8.45pm,the mood exstatic,the crowd rowdy….the phone rings,caller ID Nelson..”mko wapi,me niko barclays,come pick me” I look @emmanu,ame chew kwa counter-(@ emmanu,najua utakataa,but najua ulikuwa umechew).So me and ritchie go pick up Nelson from Barclays

Emotional reunion,I swear i culda cried,the millitary has made him skiny,but he aint complaining,so why should i?Back to the ride,El Locale here we are….

Shouts,screams and  name calling later we decide to go to Taidys..i here it happens there,plus our kamjoint is getting rather claustrophobic if you get my drift.More boti’s of froth,ka vicerory on the side.Stories are being exchanged,threats issued to emmanu for being the chew master he is (I here at law school they call him CMB-chew master bob).He chews none the less,we leave him at the balcony to sober up…while the big boys drink on…

He sobers at around 2am..and they decide to tour the streets of Naxs—–major mistake——

The call:”buda,tuko cell,tumeshikwa” Caller ID:Ritchie, i laugh it off,drunk bastards I assume,Second call “huamini,tumeshikwa,ni kunoma”.Its past 3am,i conclude if there is anything  i can do it will have to wait till morning…(Me and the OCS aint fam na hatujuani).3.30 am they stager back in.

The almighty must really love this boys coz here they are,its like they had a  monopoly ‘get out of jail card’…They narrate the ordeal,we shrag it off,after all they safe,right?

Froth is in abudance…Taidys is closing..off to the next joint…we gully creep our way out in stealth,the pow pow maybe larking around..try silencing around 20 guys,all high as fack,major nyef nyef i tells you.

Me,Nelson,Emmanu and Ritchie head to some joint called ribbons..do kidogo froth and call it a nyt.Board at some   cheap ass place….

7.00am Nelson wakes me up,he has to report to gilgil,he has been stationed there before his pass..so he leaves…i see him off.back in like 20 mins thats when i realize Ritchie slept on the floor.. I laugh it off and offer him a bed..

RitchieRich asleep on the floor

8.30,we are woken up,its not room service,this aint the Hilton,its the cleaning guy

“Tokeni,masaa yenu imeisha,toka toka!!!!”I Manage a quick shower,slip on my converse and walk down stairs,the i see this funny sign..and decide it qualifys  as a Kodak moment

black forest 40 uji 30

I call up my lil lady(@ka binti),and kumbusha her av nt left,we head to the Kuku ya 120 joint,i do pilau and chicken..am hungry,i guess booze does that to one.Ritchie gets an Eureka moment,he wants to toa locks with a couple shots of Vice.I decline the offer,in my defence am hooking up with Ka Binti and she doesnt like me drunk(am a sucka like that i know)

She calls at around 10,we hook up for breako at Maigos(she does rather,am stuffed) we Exchange stories about this and that,programing at Finlay’s,how the fellas were nicked by the cops…She thinks i have cwazy friends…we both take our turn at dissing marto for his particular absence…

She looks great,cant help but oogle,she notices,blushes at my compliments…bob and ritchie are not amused by my Romeo an juliet shyt..They insist on going home, am faused to agree…raundi mwenda tao later we head off.

Naxs in the rear view mirror, ukooflani playing….I bead my goodbyes…And call it a rave.

So prankster, that’s what you missed, at least I filled you in on  what transpired, now you know what you missed out on.

In sobriety and froth,

AkaJaymo

 
 

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Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus DO’s

Jana i did a post on my personal opinion of campus dont’s I lay emphasis on personal here coz that is what it is personal….so a reader actually emailed me,he goes by the name spyke09 and had a tongue lashing for me

Dear AkaJaymo;

Dude av been reading your blog and i think you got talent(**blush **blush),but yesterday you just crossed the line with all that drug talk,i was watching the news and sawa that Harun Mwau story and i couldn’t help but think of you with all that weed,ex and God knows what talk……………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………….

(He went on to say)Here is my 2 cents opinion on the post,tone all that drug talk and exhibit a level of maturity……

spyke09

So in light of that criticism i want to clarify something about janas  post,i did not tell anyone to pop pills,or light up a joint…i merely played around with words to give those already doing that a level of caution approach.That being said i thot the Harun Mwau part was rather harsh….

Back to the blogging, today I list my campus DO’s

#1

DO get laid

For real if you go through campo without this basic life skill then am guessing you either frigid or you have something life threatening that requires your blood pressure to be low.Fack all that saving your self for marriage,your spouse will not break into dance  on discovering you are a virgin,my guess is,on your weeding nyt jamaa atakuwa maji ata  kuangalia itakuwa noma…if not so you just halla at  harun mwau…he will get him doped ASAP

#2

DO get into trouble with the cops

If you are in campo and you have never thrown rocks at the jammas  in blue,or gotten arrested by them,or gotten laid by them(its  called facking the police) then i suggest you stop lazying around and do it.Am an Adrenalin Junky so you can guess how much fun i find in  this….

If the pow pow have never accosted you while in campo when you have an entire student union body to bail you out,unathani ukitoka nje ndo uta spoil????

Lakini usisahau Kitu Sewer said ‘risasi sio ndengu!!’

#3

DO something cwazy

Am not talking about running around nude(atakama that would be also be cwazy) am talking something like a road trip with the pals,the fellas or just your famo.Go to TZ drink their booze an bone their women, Go to UG and shout migingo ni yetu.(make sure you are pepper spray resistant kwanza)

Go to a pub and just drink your self stupid,sing for your chic outside her balcony(romeo and juliet style), pop viagra and bone you mama till she wants out on the relationship……..all am saying do something crazy

#4

Ngara daro siku moja

I swear you see those smart ass guys in class answering all those questions,be them one day!!!amua tu ni leo,go chop yako  yote then hiyo siku ingia daro ukiwa maji….make sure he can smell it on you,act all disoriented,then the lecturere will obviously want to make an example out of you about adverse effects of alchol…but shock on him utakuwa umeiva…..

au just simply ace an exam that everyone else fails……

#5

Do READ(spyke ths one is to please u)

For real you endad campo,by what ever means,either tafutad,or itwad (dont raise eye brows-no pun intended) got yourself into a nice faculty,then for some reason you slack!!!like wtf,unless budako ni  among those guys who own kenya i suggest you chop….ama soon you will owe kenya……For real ask anyone who slacked in campo it sucks getting a third rate job…and by third rate  i mean the walk to work(besigye style) jobs.

The kind where one off you class mates who wasnt on drugs,didnt get laid,never did nothing cwazy is the boss

I end it there……if you going for Rhino Charge au Bamburi Rugby Finals,make it rock

 

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Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus Donts

This post is inspired by college and can be confirmed by history….any resemblance with actual events is therefore purely intentional and those mentioned should contact me for compensation…..frothy compensation that is,Ruaraka style.That being said…allow me to point out today’s series

Blue mountain state:

blue mountain state

If you are in collage and haven’t watched this then am guessing you either blind(no pun intended) or a member of those weird cults preaching dooms day to anyone with an ear to lend.If however you are post or pre college then allow me to delve into a slight synopsis of the above:

The series Blue Mountain State is about a fictional college and its fictional football team “The Goats”. It covers topics of college life, including football, sex, drinking binges, drugs, wild partying, and hazing.

The plot being set allow me to begin my post,and assure you this is going to be a controversial  one so for the faint hearted just click here to leave this page:

Here is a list of  dont’s i will post the do’s tommorow

DONT’S

#1:

Dont mix weed and Alcohol

weed

Anyone who has done weed will agree its the next best thing to extacy,its gets you in the zone,into an animated state of being.Weed is the only drug i know that just hits the spot,makes you just drift

Alcohol is just that,alcohol,be it shots of god knows what,bottles of frothy indulgence or sips of lethal poison,alcohol just knows how to make it all worth it,add to that a drunk mama and you are assured of a lay

Here is where the problem comes along:Mixing:despite what Katt Williams says on pimpin pimpin,snoop on kush(and basically every other song) or your dope dealler tells you this two things do not go along,Take it from me,weed and booze will fack you up vibaya,so much so that a ditch will be your un lit(french for bed)

#2

Dont get attached to your funga

It happens all the time,boy meets girl,or girl meets boy,they funga(or fungwad for that matter).Then feelings creep up!!!

Like wtf are you doing getting emotionally attached to your clande???Then to make matters worse you keep following her/him like a love sick puppy,then the other party snobs you blatantly,you get all desperate,you spend time calling texting,your calls never get answered,your texts replied,The ringtone associated with your number is probably Mariah Carey’s Obssesed.Ukifika hapo boss,jua ni kubaya…..my advice look for a balcony and land head first-Wanjiru style(pun intended)

#3

Start a relationship

I don’t get it,seriously i don’t,why would anyone decide to settle in the first year of college,you find a chic/jamma and you hormones drive you crazy,you shag,then for god knows what reason you decide its going to be eternal,i use the word eternal here to  pot ray the seriousness of this matter.Then to make matters worse you start walking around in campus holding hands,completing each others sentences and that kind of shyt(someone get me a piuk bucket-i fell nauseous).Its all dandy and Rossy if you do this shyt on your own but what really drives me crazy is when this fake ass couples start delving advice”aiii jaymo,si uwache story mob,utafute dame utulie”.dude if you in campo here is my advice,do it big,shag and dont settle,trust me ask anyone married for 5 years and they will tell you if  time could be reversed……then again if you are the Weeding show/Samantha Bridal type sucks to be you.

To make matters worse if you in a r/ship and you aint getting any coz you are saving yourself for marriage my advice:Its like saying you don’t want to shit in a dirty toilet and decide to hold it till you find one that fits your profile of ‘appropriate’ at the end  of the day you are still gon shyt,haijalishi choo ni gani 🙂

#4

Dont get caught

Where do i begin with not getting caught. if you are in a relationship(for lack of something better to do with your campus life) and decide to get yourself a mpango wa kando,make sure you are ten steps ahead of your significant other,make sure they never suspect,since this blog is not dedicated to this concept am not going to explain how not to…wewe jisort tu!!!

If its an exam you haven’t studied for and you can’t come up with an excuse for not taking it an copying/using a mwax is the only redemption for your poor soul then make sure you don’t get caught,ask anyone who has been caught dubbing an exam….it feels bad getting you ass grilled before a panel

If you do drugs of any kind(though i wouldn’t advice you to) don’t get caught.if its poppin ex,smoking a joint or just drinking at odd hours don’t get caught.

#5

Dont play a sport

This one is from personal experience.Dont play soccer,be the guy who disses the players….be the guy who always comments how the game should have been played.Dont play rugby,its always fun to get drunk in a rugby game. That way you can take advantage of the other drunk people.If you dont believe me you go watch 15s this weekend and tell me who has more fun…..the drunk,horny spectators or sweaty guys on the field

Of course kuna watu wata ongezea”Jaymo what about BMS??si hao  players hu spoil”My answer to this would be if the team you want to play for while in college has a dedicated set of cheer leaders with silicone modified boobs and a coch with a big ass crib then play,play your heart out,while you at it get an injury or two,the insurance ought to compensate you handsomely.But if your team doesnt fit this profile……don’t play

#6

Dont forget to use a rubber

This one was inspired by true events.Alot has been said  about the c word so let me also give my opinion:If you shag a clande and dont use a rubber here is what could happen

1.You could get an STD not curable by penicilin and some antibiotics

2.You could give them an STD not curable by penicilin or some antibiotics

If you shagging your significant other:

1.you could end up being mama nanii au baba nanii

2.You could get an STD not curable by penicilin and some antibiotics

3.You could give them an STD not curable by penicilin or some antibiotics.

That being said feel free to comment to this post in any way you feel will benefit the readers

 
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Posted by on June 2, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES., Reflections, true stories

 

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Alcoholic Experiences.

Good old fashioned booze.

“Police today managed to impound 200 liters of illegal brew in the sprawling Kibera slums.The OCS Mr.Kamau together with his boys then went ahead to pour the brew,in a rather shocking turn of events the owner fainted as witnesses watched in awe as the contents of the brew were laid before there very eyes”

It’s the 7pm News and every one is glued to the screen in utter amazement as some crude brown liquid  purported to  be alcohol is being poured.Then the comments ensue

“I wonder how people even drink this shyt,i mean in the worse case  scenario kunywa Keg au Naps”

“Jaymo wewe unaona aje?”

Sheepy smile on my face”I wouldn’t dare let that shyt touch my  shoes let alone drink it”

The truth of the matter is AkaJaymo has indulged  in this crude delight.In some far away town far far from Nairobi.

It’s a shady lil town just before Mombasa,am talking about Voi. Now for those who may have flanked or missed a couple of lessons in Geography,let me tell you a lil about Voi.

Voi  is a dusty town on Mombasa road just before you fika mombasa.It boasts of one stored building that houses pretty much every thing  in the town,am talking about Equity Bank,the only discent joint(Millys),a couple of fancy shops….you get the picture.

After downing a couple of decent drinks me and Marto decide to do it local am talking coasto local,Mnazi baabie.So we head south East (Google Maps can confirm) of the town.To a little Village called Mariphenyi and deep in the heart ,a brewery that boasts the best Mnazi you ever drunk according to the Inhabitants.

Now just as anyone who has done any traveling will tell you,every shady joint has it’s Fixer,that  go to guy.The guy who promises to get you the realest of whatever it is you are looking for at the best imaginable price.

Van-der-Sa  was that guy;i swear the guy must have smealt the Nairobi on me for as soon as i was within a whiff of the joint he appeared.Promising to get us the best Mnazi at the best price for his purpoted long relationship with the propriator.He had the  fluentest Swahili you ever heard.

“Ndugu shikamoo,mie naitwa Van-der-Sa waonekana mgeni huku,wafuata tembo,sio?”

Anyone who knows what i got in Swahili while in high school will attest that the grade was just enough to get  me to campo.So it took me a while to process what he was saying,all the  while looking me dead in the eye.

Before my response could be given he interjected my thought process

“Njoo,Njo nikupeleke”

“Najaa” I responded in the fakest swahili accent you ever heard,this coming from the guy who thought Aitha was synonymous with either.

So there we were, seated on some stool like contraptions  feeling all Domestic touristish.

The proprietor/brewer walks up to us and inquires what our poison was.

“Kikombe cha Mnazi tafadhali” Now obviously in sync with the swahili.

“Hapa hakuna Mnazi Labda Bangara!!”

Ba what!!!!Even Google translate was at lack for a definition.So i enquire what Bangara was.

“Pombe ya wishwa.”So i look at Marto and just like he was reading  my mind he asks “Wishwa ni nini??”

By now she can tell we are rookies in her alcoholic joint.So i ask her name just to act the friendly type and if its possible for me to see how the Bangara is made.

“Naitwa Pamela,Wataka kuona Bangara inavyotengenezwa,nipe dakika”

Am now telling Marto how we should make our exit,for fears of being drugged but you know how beer  pressure works.I find myself glued.

She comes back with  a bottle with some whitish stuff in it. The irony here is  that it’s a Viceroy Bottle,the contents being nothing close

Bangara

I take the first sip,don’t ask me why but i just did,then the second and third,not bad-passing it over to marto who does the same thing.

30 minutes later am singing,being in  coast i decide a catchy swahili tune will do

“Pamela njoo kwa yesu bado anakupenda——”

The curiosity bug in me is itching,i really want to know how Bangara, or what ever it’s name was is prepared.Anything that can get me drunk in under 30 mins deserves my curiosity.

So i follow Pamela to where the stuff is being made and am hit by total surprise,the kind that gets you sober ASAP

The brewery(for lack of a better word) is dingy by any standards. Even those kibera ones are better.Am guessing her client base hasn’t been in here.There is a big ass drum in the middle,dark in color menacing look.With what appears to be soot on the side.

Its a mud structure with more smoke than a Jamaican Bong.She is holding a stick,she calls it her sturing stick.Allow me to tell you more about this stick.

In the Brew business you are as good as your stick.A brewer respects his stick because although it takes away people’s lively hoods and even wrecks families in its wake it feeds  hers.The amount of respect  accorded to this stick is admirable.The stick never leaves  the brewery. It’s been in her family for several years now.It’s an ugly looking piece of wood,angry wood,drunk wood.Its never washed.she only runs water over it and puts it away.

She dips it and sturs some brownish looking concoction  exchanging casual talk with some drunk fella outside.Am not listening am more In shock.I’m Actually at the door not sure whether to enter or stay ouside.

The ugly stick is working its  magic,bubbles are rising, the smell  is sickening,the heat is getting to me,the booze to…..

The next thing a bratha… had passed out.In a make shift brewery in  some shady village in VOI.

 
 

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How I almost met your mum.

Disclaimer:The events and people depicted in this post are  fictional,any resemblance with people leaving or otherwise is purely  coincidental.That being said,enjoy.

“Can I take you out sometime?”,I enthusiastically asked.

“Jaymo there is something I have to tell you,am seeing someone else,its not official but i think he is the one”

I know what you are thinking,this is just another one of those posts,its not,this is me getting dumped and its not even happening face to face,its happening via Facebook,the same site that had brought us together in the first place-damn you Mark Zukerberg.

Am frantically typing,thank God for Qwerty keyboards,  “With who????”

The wait begins,I hit refresh like a hundred times on opera mini,still nothing,I pace the room,mad thoughts running through my mind.Pick  up the phone,refresh inbox (1),then i freeze up,the words couldn’t be clearer.

“With Austin,I thought you would have guessed by now.”

What follows is  awkward silence,I hear they call it pin drop silence.I take a sit,pour a stiff one, Kenya Cane never tasted  so plain,and allow myself to absorb it all.

Allow me to indulge you,She had the prettiest name you ever heard,Sandy Sue. Sandy was not you average chic on the block,far from it,she had the it factor in her,that touch of brilliance that made her stand out.Come to think of it,maybe that’s what drew me to her.

It happened just like it did in the movies,our meeting was magical. I had just gate crashed a bash in tao,the terrible trio was at it again

A couple of hours of frothy indulgence later and i was good to go,the mamas were ripe for the picking,and i was not going to pass out  on the opportunity. You know how it goes,a brother worked his magic around the club till he caught a glance of her.

There she was,immaculately dressed,Her eyes were golden,the smile she was wearing  priceless,a couple of guys were indulging her in casual talk.I took a  shot of viceroy and observed her from a distance.The fellas who were chatting her left,this was my shot…i made my way her seat.First thing to grab my attention was the bottle of Alvaro in her hand,Note to self:Non drinker

Swag check,style check I was good to go.”Hi am James”

She turned towards me,her smile was intoxicating.”Or did i catch you at a wrong time”I panically asked.

“Not at all,am Sandy,Sandy Sue.Pleasure to meet you.” That was my que and a brother wasn’t going let the moment slip.After the usual pleasantries,Casual talk was exchanged,Numbers were givenand facebook contacts added.A promise of  later acquittance promised.

The next day spelt the beginning of a well strategised plan to win Sandy over.I sent her my first text,

“Uko online,log in facebook ”

I loged on to facebook and sent myfirst inbox.

“Evening chic,how was your day?”

She called me boy,I called her chic.

The semester ended,The December holiday begun..Being residents of differnt towns,the long distance thing would have to do.If Bob Collymore would be asked am sure he would bear testimony,the number of hour spent either texting, calling or facebooking must have earnt Safaricom  a pretty penny.

A new semester dawned,School was back in session.

I still remember how Good it felt when we hugged  for the first time,her scent was un mistakable-Catherine,designer obviously,it lingered on even in her absence.The four months that constituted the semester were golden by any measure.

Memories of how we went clubing,Me trying to sway her to have a bottle of two,her so vehemently in refusal.

The lady in Yellow I recall,some how she had a way of combining two things i loved-yellow and her- into an ochestra of pure beauty.

Even the fellas were jealous,Jaymo was smitten,She had managed to turn a brother into a love sick puppy.

It wasn’t pure clock work differences were obviously there:Like here love for Reggae and eveything Jamaican and his love for Hip Hop.But just like eveything natural an equilibrium of sorts was struck.

Many are the nights he spent at her place,willowing in her presence,either watching the Animations she loved so much or just striking casual conversation about this and that lecturer and how he or she had ruined her day.

Am not sure what drew me to her,maybe it was her simplicity or maybe i was just looking for someone to fix me,my drinking had taken a rise over the weeks.But whatever it was, surely was working because this mama had gotten me smitten.

But Destiny has a twisted sense of humor,it has a way of  facking you up when you least expect it because here i find myself.

Questioning my manhood.wondering what went wrong.wondering whether it was that night i came to her place drunk,I had gotten into a comfort  spot of sorts, rarely putting any effort.Or maybe it was  the times i snoobed in  campo.

whatever it was,here I am,sipping away the liquor in my glass.typing my goodbye

Thoughts resonating in my mind,i can only  view myself as crayon in her life,i might not be her favorite color,but  one day she is going to need me to complete her picture

 
9 Comments

Posted by on May 8, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES., Reflections

 

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Me,Martin &Opium accusations.

“You were using bhang and opium, and when the security knocked at the door you refused to open”

I look at Marto,the the security guy (lets call him Mr.K) continues to Rumble ,”Najua mnatumia madawa ya kulevia,naongea na nyinyi kama mzazi,niko na watoto,kwanza ule wa mwisho ni wa 1985,mzee ata zaidi yenu”

Marto begins getting defensive,”mimi ata pombe situmii”, Mr.K snaps “Mnafikiria sijui” “Mkubwa ata opium sijawai ona!”

I manage to mumble. “Itikieni, the campus will offer you counseling ata kuna mwingine wa cocaine anatibiwa” He picks up the phone calling the dean of students to drive his point home,” Dean, ule kijana wa cocaine anaendelea aje………….”

drugs_bunny

How did we get here you may ask! Let me take you 2 weeks down memory lane

It’s a new semester, actually a new academic year ,third year ,Just after reporting back to campus me and Marto decided to throw a bash, a house warming bash actually since we are now living in our own house –servant quarters actually-with house mates not some lousy hostel with a hundred an one neighbors.

Well the troops are quickly rallied and by the troops I mean The Crew, plans are put in motion.

The plot:20 liters of Bangara –Bangara is like some tribal booze that coastal people drink, similar to Mnazi  -Smirnoff blue label, red label, K.K. and of course Jamaican brand riffa.

Location: C9-O2

Crowd: strictly jammas, no chics no gatecrashers.

So duties are quickly delegated, the Mnazi suppliers, the real alcohol suppliers, the weed and finally the K.K. (Kenya king). No mention of who was to supply what will be made here for fear of the snitches-yes JKUAT has trained snitches.

At around 1pm the Mnazi crew leaves the campus, promptly followed by the weed crew. Am still at campo when they come back heaving, apparently carrying 20 liters is no small fit.

What we were later to find out is that campus security was hot on their heels. Apparently they think petrol is being smuggled into campus, a strike maybe!

After evasion tactics around school, the Mnazi is safe and sound, in a cool dry place. We can rest easy.

“Niaje gauge imefika” Mogaka asks “iko salama, blue label niaje?”I inquire “njiani boss,twajaa”

Adrenalin rush! Can’t wait to get high…but first I head for the mess because it’s now heading 6:00pm.

Ugali, beef and Veg later am back to the crib: Time to freshen up.

At around 7.30 everyone gathers at our crib, (for some reason c9-02 is the favored location for its proximity to where the Mnazi has been stashed)

Cups are handed out and the merry making commences. Stories are traded some of which am sure are fake, like the one Mogaka is telling us about……..I’ll tell you the story another day.

“Leta Ngwai hi pombe haipandi,mlitoa wapi?” people want to get stoned.

The contra bun is produced, the doors locked, windows to, match box in hand the first joint is lit. puff!puff! pass is the rule.

The second joint, Puff Puff pass…. Third, the laughter kicks in, veins are vesodilated, eyes are popping out. Fourth joint…..knock! Knock!

We ignore The knock turns into a bang and some words are mumbled…..

I don’t remember who opened the door but the next thing I saw was 4 guys wearing menacing faces storming in. If this was a movie am guessing this would be the climax, the part where the sound track is some fast paced tune…..

“Nani mwenye hii nyumba?” I look at Marto, “mimi” he retorts.

“Una ishi na nani?” ,“mimi’’ I reply

“tokeni nje” now you would expect the guys in the house would cook up some plot to have the security jamaas go  au contraire mon ami, quite the contrary. Someone grabs the bottle in my hand as I walk out an mumbles something I cannot understand, what with the adrenalin rush am experiencing

“Mna fanya nini huko ndani?”

“ka party kadogo,ata hatu pigi kelele, na 10pm bado” I somehow mange to say.

“Nini mnavuta”

“sigara” Marto jumps in

“leteni ID zenu twende tukaandike statment”

Marto begins to pleed, I swear I have lived with Marto but I have never had him beg like this “Tafathali boss!Tafathali boss! ”

marto pleading

“Okay kama mme kataa sawa….msipige kelele mingi basi” They leave and we assume that’s the end of that!

Back in the crib guys is still drinking, the contra bun has however been discretely hidden. A couple of shots later the story has completely been forgotten and we drink the night away till the wee hours of the morning when we finally retire to bed.

A day passes, 2 days 5 days a week and we have not heard anything from the campus security. We assume the water has passed under the bridge.

We curry on with our lives like it never happened.

Till 2 weeks later we get a call from the security office

“Are you Martin? Please report to the security office”, “okay”

Next to ring was my phone, same conversation same response.

So here we sit, allegations of how we use opium being thrown at us. How we are suspected of being crack addicts and mandatory counseling is the only thing that will save us.

We somehow managed to convince the security boss that our drug use was fictional, evidence to implicate us being absent. We were lucky, the case is dropped for lack of evidence and akajaymo and his partner in crime live to see another semester.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES., Uncategorized

 

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