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Type of Code Clients I have met

So someone accused me of only writing about code this and code that, nimaka unaweza peleka Code Nakumatt upatiwe shopping au Butchery ya Kamau akukatie ka Nyama Nusu…of course not, there has to  be business involved or in the words of Uhuru Kenyatta, willing buyer willing seller…so today I will just talk a little bit about the two types of willing buyers I know/ have had the experience of working for.

I have been taught by time and of course by more seasoned business men to divide clients into two broad yet true categories: Clande/chips funga and Girlfriend/wifey

1.Clande/chips Client.

film_pick_up_line_801085

The name speaks for itself, this type is the tap and go…No strings attached no Numbers no natsing. Usually this is my best type of client since everyone goes home happy. A clande Client knows point blank what they want, and how they want it. They are straight forward, utapatiwa spec doc yako,depo na time line. Utafanya Kazi, ukimaliza UAT kiasi. bass…the story ends there final Installment paid and you both go home happy. In the event hamskizani, you both have the luxury of walking away since you just met and nothing has been invested yet in between the two of you.

The Good thing about this type of client is just like a clande kwa bar uko guaranteed not to sleep hungry . Its cash at hand so you are happy,your landlord is happy and even the real Clandes are happy. Moving along

2.Girlfriend/wifey Client

art-cartoon-couple-cute-drawing-heart-Favim.com-48970

Sasa huyu ni ule wa long term…yaani in other words ata sio Strings attached ni more like ropes.This is the worst client ever. Let me explain using the analogy of a real world Girlfriend. You meet a hot mama, someone you think is a keeper…unaanza courtship. if you take that leap of faith you should know you will be in it for the long haul,during which anaweza amua hakuvunjii (utaka nja baba)…the only thing you get are hugs and smonches…you will have to be there for her 24/7(kama customer care)..handling all her Hormonal maneno and stuff……you get the picture.

Back to the client, you meet a big client <usually some corporate or Gov deal> una strike ka deal nao ,depo labda 30% unapatiwa kazi inaanza….1 month in system changes zimeanza,sijui integration na system flani wanatumia,2 month HR wanataka module yao…una call meeting…”hii haikuwa kwa spec doc…bla bla bla” wanakuangalia “How much more will it cost us” una peana figure…na ju uko na Njaa 20% unapewa,una endelea na code…3 months later huna rent,dame yako ana kuagalianga asubuhi ana skia Nausea ju huna any..zako ni “Ngoja niko karibu kulipwa” …they drag payment…na the day they actually give you your loot ni Friday Jioni na ni cheque ita take 3 days ku mature kwa hivyo tuseme next week Thursday ndo utakuwa monied. DAFAQ

All the while hiyo monday next wana kuambia you drive to their place to sort some stuff out, nikama walikupatia fuel card  ya kutumia. The Girlfriend client will also catch feelings if there is a bug “aki na vile tume kulipa vipoa..” This are the clients who will ask for refunds/sue you/want you in the office every week etc.

Any who those are my two categories of clients. Hope one of you out there can relate.

In other news if you haven’t yet tried PesaBox here is the link>>, and here is a brief Wiki entry of how it works/what it does.

 

 
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Posted by on April 5, 2013 in code, hack, Humour

 

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Before I forget.

She looked at me with genuine interest and told me “Jaymo wewe una shida, you are a drinker with a coding problem”… so obviously am shocked, coz am expecting the opposite, i mean a coder with a drinking problem, but she went on “Siku gani hujawai lewa ukatae kunipatia story za code, this and that… sijui vile source code yako unaeza obfusicate na haiwezi someka…. dude in short am tired”….. yes a bratha was getting his Ass dumped for being inloved with his bottle of froth and that laptop  he calls lillian than being in love  with her……

Yes good people this is the first meaningfull post of 2012 and am listing all the crap that struck me in 2011 starting with the  one above. 2011 was a great year by any  standard, but it was equally frustrating so allow me to indulge you with my 3 worst events of 2011.

1.)Cougar Clande

Dont look at me like am some sort of perv, kama you neva had yourself a cougar clande then i suggest you  get yourself one, kwanza a monied one, ki Mbugua style. so your boy akaJaymo had himself a cougar clande, all was roosy at first, i mean she gave i received and i gave and she received {you  get the picture} but things took a rather dramatic turn after  my first sem ended, she got all possesive and shyt, getting all jealous of my girl Jean Grey, the fore mentioned cougar clande went to caosto for the new year and then came back to dump a bratha, imagyn a bratha being dumped coz he chats with Jean…..

Here is what the clande should have known: i spend most of my time either on twitter,unlimited text, or coding…. none of which anaweza hack{the texts pia} so why the fack you  getting all insane coz akajaymo wants to get some loving from a more 21st century member of the opposite sex???? ukipata jibu unaeza nipigia simu 0722***080

2.)Grand Theft Liquour

Last sem saw me  relieved of my wallet, cash, phone and house keys in one session. I swear the guys who saw  me that morning will admit i looked like a total wreck. dude you ever watched that scene from hangover 2 where they wake up all disoriented with no idea where they are? yap that was me, bila fare bila shyt!!! but i was high as fack, nakwambia ningekuwa sober ingekuwa a whole different thing…any way shyt happens ryt?

3.)The crew 

the crew is the best  thing in 2011 and still the worst  thing!!!! there is so much to talk about the crew that i think amo dedicate a whole post for em. But the worst thing in 2011 courtesy of marto,pato,eddie,JB,brayo,julius,mash na hao wengine wanao jijua ni ku throw a bash with two goats,mtungi ya keg na saa hizo ni wasee 11 pekee, suicide i tell you, how that bash ended up from being all fun to wasee wakipigana na wengine wakifunguliana roho… waaa boss that must have been the shortest bash from 2pm -7pm  no comment naachia hapo

So 2012 we doing it all again, drinking, coding, the may hem, the drama!!!!!!

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2012 in 254, campo, Humour

 

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Me and Code:

I like this Fabo’s song that goes something like “…… sometimes I amaze sometimes I disappoint, sometimes I treat friends like its just some change, like shaq in the  line you probably miss the point but when you take a chance ever wondered where you took it from……..”

I am all sleepy, its 11.08 pm and I havent slept since jana… What have I been up to? well you may think I  was engaging in the usual froty indulgence that saw me photofinish some time in the Am and I had to get my ass back to campo in time for that Numerical Analysis lesson<yes I  have a class on a public holiday>. But no I was coding… I got in the zone around 7pm jana evening and  hevent left my machine since… I must have overdosed on  coffee coz I swear I cant feel my face.

Am listening to Denis Brown as  I write this not because I  have suddenly shfifted to reggae for relaxing but simply coz my playlist has ishad and the last songs I  added were reggae. I love code… the feeling one gets when you type something into an IDE and a living breathing(ok not exactly breathing) piece of software comes out. I guess that’s what God must have felt after creation,looking at the work of his hands and smilling simply to himself. I have been struggling with JSON for sometime… it was posting an error in my application….what application you may ask?

well for my final year am writing an android application that makes realestate mapping very easy, crudely put unaweza tafuta hao very easily… well Several of m beta testers have benn comaplaining that the code was posting some run-time error.  Hii imenikuala akili sana, so I  had to find a way of solving it bila ku re write code yote. Jana afta supper  I  went online. Found several forums about this and that,and started operating on my patient call me doctor James.

I get in the zone most times,plug in my head phones and just forget it all…. get all indulged in the code. At times this facks up alot of things in my life… yes you know that saying that goes that all nerds end up being alone coz half the time they chase away the good things in their life and elope with the code ,well its true..so before i go to sleep, i want to clear the air and talk to one or two readers who happen to be close friends of mine but who i have lengad for some time due to my over indulgence in certain.

Sorry pseudo names will be employed to mask true identity….

I begin with Biquits.. yes i know am a dick at times, i  spend more time with code than i  do with you, its nothing personal, i know you understand.. you the one who encourages me to do this stuff and even when i get syntax errors  i always know you will tell me to keep my head up.

Kabinti...Frothy friday nilikuona but shyt happened, went back to campo and ave been coding since.. i missed a CAT coz i was too tired from the previous night to even soma. I know you good kwenye uko so i will achia hapo..just wanted you to know.

Jean Grey aka the therapist,  If you buy a gun and shoot me then let it be stated in my will that i forgive you, I have not seen or heard from you in ages.. i don’t know if you even read my blog anymore but if it helps i still miss the sessions where i would speak geek and you would Google and try to be all nerd on me. Miss that alot so as soon as my app is done me and you are doing that Coffee at Mug’s

 
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Posted by on October 20, 2011 in 254, campo, code, Humour, JKUAT

 

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New degree cource B.sc Drinking

Name:CrazyNairobian

Location:Nairobi Kenya

Intention:Re blog a work of art

Permissions:Its my blog God damn it,i can re blog aslong as i pay Literal appreciation to the author

That being said,allow me to re blog something i read from crazy Nairobian jana:

Announcement for New Degree course B.Sc (Drinking)

The University Of Nairobi has announced the introduction of a brand new degree course, B.Sc (Drinking), which will be offered through local pubs and restaurants at very affordable fees. Details for the new course as availed to the press are as follows;

1) The lessons will be taken during weekends and Friday evening at any Pub, restaurant or other outlet with relevant course materials subject to the Mututho Law.

2) Before taking any of the hard courses, all students are required to undertake introductory courses like Nyama Choma 106, Eat At Your Mothers House 107, Supu Na Ulimi 108 or Kudoea Kwa Neighbor 110.

3) Core courses include WD 101 (Weekend drinking 101) and the difficult Nursing Hangovers 102. For those who find these courses a little tough, Pucking 103 will be offered in Lecture Room LOO A and LOO B.

4) Those who take Pucking 103 away from these venues might enjoy Vibare 606 or Makumbo 702 for free from other Lecturers on duty like Prof Bouncer, Dr Makanga and the very thorough Prof Members Ole Public.

5) All students are required to have all relevant course materials including Sufficient bottles of beer, Nyama choma, cigarrettes (optional) and pocket money for personal use during the course. PLEASE, DO NOT ATTEND WITHOUT RELEVANT MATERIALS HOPING TO SHARE OR STEAL!

6) Female students found trying to issue sexual favours for better grades will be punished by being forced to take Mpango wa kando 201 or chips Funga 202 courses after classes.

7) Items deemed illegal in the lecture hall include Alvaro, assorted sodas and mineral water. Students caught with these items in the lecture room will be kicked out! Class Prefects including Mr. Waiter and Miss Waitress will be on the look out for such.

8) Students hoping to improve their grades are welcome for remedial classes every during weekdays. Extra charges will apply.

9) While the outlets offering these services will strive to provide materials for neccesary for the course completion like tables, chairs and lab materials like glasses and plates, the materials may not be enough depending on the time of month. Students are thus adviced to report early to avoid disappointments.

10) ALL students who want to take home-learning courses are adviced to collect the books, SIX-PACK by Tusker, Pilsner or Redds, Viceroy – A case study of Alcohol content 40%, ZAPPA – watch your shit go red, and other relevant course books and materials as listed in the local notice board in any supermarket under ALCOHOLIC DRINKS.

11) Parallel Degree Programs for those with low grades and lots of money will be offered at special outlets like Hilton, 680 hotel, SERENA and Panafric Hotel. More outlets will be announced soon. Please not Chang’aa 501, Busaa 502, Keg 503 and Muratina 504 are strictly NOT offered under the parallel degree program.

DISCLAIMER:

a) University of Nairobi will not be liable for physical and financial damages or time-loss incurred by any students who report to the wrong lecture halls especially classes that offer courses like Policemen 404, Ngeta 602 and Mdudu 609 and Mututho 202.

b) The University recommends all students carry one BF or GF to class depending on preferences. Students who fail to do this are required to drop the course, Game-Yako-Iko-Down 909, if they wish to avoid taking loneliness 901 in the lecture rooms. …

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2011 in 254, Humour, Reflections, twitter, weekend

 

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Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus DO’s

Jana i did a post on my personal opinion of campus dont’s I lay emphasis on personal here coz that is what it is personal….so a reader actually emailed me,he goes by the name spyke09 and had a tongue lashing for me

Dear AkaJaymo;

Dude av been reading your blog and i think you got talent(**blush **blush),but yesterday you just crossed the line with all that drug talk,i was watching the news and sawa that Harun Mwau story and i couldn’t help but think of you with all that weed,ex and God knows what talk……………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………….

(He went on to say)Here is my 2 cents opinion on the post,tone all that drug talk and exhibit a level of maturity……

spyke09

So in light of that criticism i want to clarify something about janas  post,i did not tell anyone to pop pills,or light up a joint…i merely played around with words to give those already doing that a level of caution approach.That being said i thot the Harun Mwau part was rather harsh….

Back to the blogging, today I list my campus DO’s

#1

DO get laid

For real if you go through campo without this basic life skill then am guessing you either frigid or you have something life threatening that requires your blood pressure to be low.Fack all that saving your self for marriage,your spouse will not break into dance  on discovering you are a virgin,my guess is,on your weeding nyt jamaa atakuwa maji ata  kuangalia itakuwa noma…if not so you just halla at  harun mwau…he will get him doped ASAP

#2

DO get into trouble with the cops

If you are in campo and you have never thrown rocks at the jammas  in blue,or gotten arrested by them,or gotten laid by them(its  called facking the police) then i suggest you stop lazying around and do it.Am an Adrenalin Junky so you can guess how much fun i find in  this….

If the pow pow have never accosted you while in campo when you have an entire student union body to bail you out,unathani ukitoka nje ndo uta spoil????

Lakini usisahau Kitu Sewer said ‘risasi sio ndengu!!’

#3

DO something cwazy

Am not talking about running around nude(atakama that would be also be cwazy) am talking something like a road trip with the pals,the fellas or just your famo.Go to TZ drink their booze an bone their women, Go to UG and shout migingo ni yetu.(make sure you are pepper spray resistant kwanza)

Go to a pub and just drink your self stupid,sing for your chic outside her balcony(romeo and juliet style), pop viagra and bone you mama till she wants out on the relationship……..all am saying do something crazy

#4

Ngara daro siku moja

I swear you see those smart ass guys in class answering all those questions,be them one day!!!amua tu ni leo,go chop yako  yote then hiyo siku ingia daro ukiwa maji….make sure he can smell it on you,act all disoriented,then the lecturere will obviously want to make an example out of you about adverse effects of alchol…but shock on him utakuwa umeiva…..

au just simply ace an exam that everyone else fails……

#5

Do READ(spyke ths one is to please u)

For real you endad campo,by what ever means,either tafutad,or itwad (dont raise eye brows-no pun intended) got yourself into a nice faculty,then for some reason you slack!!!like wtf,unless budako ni  among those guys who own kenya i suggest you chop….ama soon you will owe kenya……For real ask anyone who slacked in campo it sucks getting a third rate job…and by third rate  i mean the walk to work(besigye style) jobs.

The kind where one off you class mates who wasnt on drugs,didnt get laid,never did nothing cwazy is the boss

I end it there……if you going for Rhino Charge au Bamburi Rugby Finals,make it rock

 

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Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus Donts

This post is inspired by college and can be confirmed by history….any resemblance with actual events is therefore purely intentional and those mentioned should contact me for compensation…..frothy compensation that is,Ruaraka style.That being said…allow me to point out today’s series

Blue mountain state:

blue mountain state

If you are in collage and haven’t watched this then am guessing you either blind(no pun intended) or a member of those weird cults preaching dooms day to anyone with an ear to lend.If however you are post or pre college then allow me to delve into a slight synopsis of the above:

The series Blue Mountain State is about a fictional college and its fictional football team “The Goats”. It covers topics of college life, including football, sex, drinking binges, drugs, wild partying, and hazing.

The plot being set allow me to begin my post,and assure you this is going to be a controversial  one so for the faint hearted just click here to leave this page:

Here is a list of  dont’s i will post the do’s tommorow

DONT’S

#1:

Dont mix weed and Alcohol

weed

Anyone who has done weed will agree its the next best thing to extacy,its gets you in the zone,into an animated state of being.Weed is the only drug i know that just hits the spot,makes you just drift

Alcohol is just that,alcohol,be it shots of god knows what,bottles of frothy indulgence or sips of lethal poison,alcohol just knows how to make it all worth it,add to that a drunk mama and you are assured of a lay

Here is where the problem comes along:Mixing:despite what Katt Williams says on pimpin pimpin,snoop on kush(and basically every other song) or your dope dealler tells you this two things do not go along,Take it from me,weed and booze will fack you up vibaya,so much so that a ditch will be your un lit(french for bed)

#2

Dont get attached to your funga

It happens all the time,boy meets girl,or girl meets boy,they funga(or fungwad for that matter).Then feelings creep up!!!

Like wtf are you doing getting emotionally attached to your clande???Then to make matters worse you keep following her/him like a love sick puppy,then the other party snobs you blatantly,you get all desperate,you spend time calling texting,your calls never get answered,your texts replied,The ringtone associated with your number is probably Mariah Carey’s Obssesed.Ukifika hapo boss,jua ni kubaya…..my advice look for a balcony and land head first-Wanjiru style(pun intended)

#3

Start a relationship

I don’t get it,seriously i don’t,why would anyone decide to settle in the first year of college,you find a chic/jamma and you hormones drive you crazy,you shag,then for god knows what reason you decide its going to be eternal,i use the word eternal here to  pot ray the seriousness of this matter.Then to make matters worse you start walking around in campus holding hands,completing each others sentences and that kind of shyt(someone get me a piuk bucket-i fell nauseous).Its all dandy and Rossy if you do this shyt on your own but what really drives me crazy is when this fake ass couples start delving advice”aiii jaymo,si uwache story mob,utafute dame utulie”.dude if you in campo here is my advice,do it big,shag and dont settle,trust me ask anyone married for 5 years and they will tell you if  time could be reversed……then again if you are the Weeding show/Samantha Bridal type sucks to be you.

To make matters worse if you in a r/ship and you aint getting any coz you are saving yourself for marriage my advice:Its like saying you don’t want to shit in a dirty toilet and decide to hold it till you find one that fits your profile of ‘appropriate’ at the end  of the day you are still gon shyt,haijalishi choo ni gani 🙂

#4

Dont get caught

Where do i begin with not getting caught. if you are in a relationship(for lack of something better to do with your campus life) and decide to get yourself a mpango wa kando,make sure you are ten steps ahead of your significant other,make sure they never suspect,since this blog is not dedicated to this concept am not going to explain how not to…wewe jisort tu!!!

If its an exam you haven’t studied for and you can’t come up with an excuse for not taking it an copying/using a mwax is the only redemption for your poor soul then make sure you don’t get caught,ask anyone who has been caught dubbing an exam….it feels bad getting you ass grilled before a panel

If you do drugs of any kind(though i wouldn’t advice you to) don’t get caught.if its poppin ex,smoking a joint or just drinking at odd hours don’t get caught.

#5

Dont play a sport

This one is from personal experience.Dont play soccer,be the guy who disses the players….be the guy who always comments how the game should have been played.Dont play rugby,its always fun to get drunk in a rugby game. That way you can take advantage of the other drunk people.If you dont believe me you go watch 15s this weekend and tell me who has more fun…..the drunk,horny spectators or sweaty guys on the field

Of course kuna watu wata ongezea”Jaymo what about BMS??si hao  players hu spoil”My answer to this would be if the team you want to play for while in college has a dedicated set of cheer leaders with silicone modified boobs and a coch with a big ass crib then play,play your heart out,while you at it get an injury or two,the insurance ought to compensate you handsomely.But if your team doesnt fit this profile……don’t play

#6

Dont forget to use a rubber

This one was inspired by true events.Alot has been said  about the c word so let me also give my opinion:If you shag a clande and dont use a rubber here is what could happen

1.You could get an STD not curable by penicilin and some antibiotics

2.You could give them an STD not curable by penicilin or some antibiotics

If you shagging your significant other:

1.you could end up being mama nanii au baba nanii

2.You could get an STD not curable by penicilin and some antibiotics

3.You could give them an STD not curable by penicilin or some antibiotics.

That being said feel free to comment to this post in any way you feel will benefit the readers

 
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Posted by on June 2, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES., Reflections, true stories

 

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#Zegz Addict.

My name is Galis and am a Zegz addict.

Something about the way the statement was phrased thrilled me.

Then something about the contents within……

The way she put it out there to her audience was enticing i must agree..Her words were stinky and pungent  with Zegz.

I measured the expanses of her naughty accomodativenes…and found it was well beyound the scope of normality…..

In a word her Blog is Zegz Tales

 
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Posted by on May 19, 2011 in Humour, true stories

 

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Alcoholic Experiences.

Good old fashioned booze.

“Police today managed to impound 200 liters of illegal brew in the sprawling Kibera slums.The OCS Mr.Kamau together with his boys then went ahead to pour the brew,in a rather shocking turn of events the owner fainted as witnesses watched in awe as the contents of the brew were laid before there very eyes”

It’s the 7pm News and every one is glued to the screen in utter amazement as some crude brown liquid  purported to  be alcohol is being poured.Then the comments ensue

“I wonder how people even drink this shyt,i mean in the worse case  scenario kunywa Keg au Naps”

“Jaymo wewe unaona aje?”

Sheepy smile on my face”I wouldn’t dare let that shyt touch my  shoes let alone drink it”

The truth of the matter is AkaJaymo has indulged  in this crude delight.In some far away town far far from Nairobi.

It’s a shady lil town just before Mombasa,am talking about Voi. Now for those who may have flanked or missed a couple of lessons in Geography,let me tell you a lil about Voi.

Voi  is a dusty town on Mombasa road just before you fika mombasa.It boasts of one stored building that houses pretty much every thing  in the town,am talking about Equity Bank,the only discent joint(Millys),a couple of fancy shops….you get the picture.

After downing a couple of decent drinks me and Marto decide to do it local am talking coasto local,Mnazi baabie.So we head south East (Google Maps can confirm) of the town.To a little Village called Mariphenyi and deep in the heart ,a brewery that boasts the best Mnazi you ever drunk according to the Inhabitants.

Now just as anyone who has done any traveling will tell you,every shady joint has it’s Fixer,that  go to guy.The guy who promises to get you the realest of whatever it is you are looking for at the best imaginable price.

Van-der-Sa  was that guy;i swear the guy must have smealt the Nairobi on me for as soon as i was within a whiff of the joint he appeared.Promising to get us the best Mnazi at the best price for his purpoted long relationship with the propriator.He had the  fluentest Swahili you ever heard.

“Ndugu shikamoo,mie naitwa Van-der-Sa waonekana mgeni huku,wafuata tembo,sio?”

Anyone who knows what i got in Swahili while in high school will attest that the grade was just enough to get  me to campo.So it took me a while to process what he was saying,all the  while looking me dead in the eye.

Before my response could be given he interjected my thought process

“Njoo,Njo nikupeleke”

“Najaa” I responded in the fakest swahili accent you ever heard,this coming from the guy who thought Aitha was synonymous with either.

So there we were, seated on some stool like contraptions  feeling all Domestic touristish.

The proprietor/brewer walks up to us and inquires what our poison was.

“Kikombe cha Mnazi tafadhali” Now obviously in sync with the swahili.

“Hapa hakuna Mnazi Labda Bangara!!”

Ba what!!!!Even Google translate was at lack for a definition.So i enquire what Bangara was.

“Pombe ya wishwa.”So i look at Marto and just like he was reading  my mind he asks “Wishwa ni nini??”

By now she can tell we are rookies in her alcoholic joint.So i ask her name just to act the friendly type and if its possible for me to see how the Bangara is made.

“Naitwa Pamela,Wataka kuona Bangara inavyotengenezwa,nipe dakika”

Am now telling Marto how we should make our exit,for fears of being drugged but you know how beer  pressure works.I find myself glued.

She comes back with  a bottle with some whitish stuff in it. The irony here is  that it’s a Viceroy Bottle,the contents being nothing close

Bangara

I take the first sip,don’t ask me why but i just did,then the second and third,not bad-passing it over to marto who does the same thing.

30 minutes later am singing,being in  coast i decide a catchy swahili tune will do

“Pamela njoo kwa yesu bado anakupenda——”

The curiosity bug in me is itching,i really want to know how Bangara, or what ever it’s name was is prepared.Anything that can get me drunk in under 30 mins deserves my curiosity.

So i follow Pamela to where the stuff is being made and am hit by total surprise,the kind that gets you sober ASAP

The brewery(for lack of a better word) is dingy by any standards. Even those kibera ones are better.Am guessing her client base hasn’t been in here.There is a big ass drum in the middle,dark in color menacing look.With what appears to be soot on the side.

Its a mud structure with more smoke than a Jamaican Bong.She is holding a stick,she calls it her sturing stick.Allow me to tell you more about this stick.

In the Brew business you are as good as your stick.A brewer respects his stick because although it takes away people’s lively hoods and even wrecks families in its wake it feeds  hers.The amount of respect  accorded to this stick is admirable.The stick never leaves  the brewery. It’s been in her family for several years now.It’s an ugly looking piece of wood,angry wood,drunk wood.Its never washed.she only runs water over it and puts it away.

She dips it and sturs some brownish looking concoction  exchanging casual talk with some drunk fella outside.Am not listening am more In shock.I’m Actually at the door not sure whether to enter or stay ouside.

The ugly stick is working its  magic,bubbles are rising, the smell  is sickening,the heat is getting to me,the booze to…..

The next thing a bratha… had passed out.In a make shift brewery in  some shady village in VOI.

 
 

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#NAIROBI NIGHTS:AProstitute’s story.

My name is Sue. I practice along Koinange street,Nairobi.These are  my thoughts, observations and experiences from my prostitution world. Nothing of the soft, sympathy seeking Topsy turvy kind. But straight talk, hard facts and real anecdotes. They are worth something.

No good people I wasn’t picking up some random mama at some flimsy curb along Koinange Street, far from it, I just finished watching an interview -The stream on Aljazeera. I was watching a Kenyan Prostitute (Pardon my crude language), take the oldest profession to the internet airwaves, keeping those close to her in the dark.

This isn’t striking in any way until you get to know that she has a blog, and posts about her night escapades.

She blogs about what society expects of prostitutes, how they are treated and how they deal with it all.

She has managed to keep it a secret only her clients and the girls she works with know her true identity. Her parents have no idea

So am like what the f***.Here is this eloquent mama speaking her experiences out to the world, the question going through my mind is how did she end up here, I mean how did this lady become a prostitute. Everything points to her taking a different career path, but here she is being interviewed on an international platform about what she does.

Allow me to indulge you in a little bit of Sue’s life.

She isn’t you text book whore,I mean the kind that dropped out of  primary school in some far away rural  location that even Google Earth can’t locate, worked her way through some bars all before her 18th birthday. On 18 she took to her heels with the little cash saved and ended up in Nairobi.

Far from it, Sue is college educated, she says in the interview

“so what led me to prostitution? the easiest thing would be that I didn’t get a job after college and had bills to pay, But that to a large extent is a lie, True after collage I didn’t get a job but so did many of my classmates……”

She recounts how after just a few job applications she hobnobbed to S.J.(yes Sabina Joy).Where she got hooked up to prostitution

She claims it aint coz of the paper, she isn’t a Nympho-sex doesn’t thrill her enough to get her addicted-Prostitution for her is a way of life.

She Blogs at nairobinights and if you are the curious type you can email her at maishanairobi@gmail.com.

 
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Posted by on May 14, 2011 in Humour, true stories

 

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How I almost met your mum.

Disclaimer:The events and people depicted in this post are  fictional,any resemblance with people leaving or otherwise is purely  coincidental.That being said,enjoy.

“Can I take you out sometime?”,I enthusiastically asked.

“Jaymo there is something I have to tell you,am seeing someone else,its not official but i think he is the one”

I know what you are thinking,this is just another one of those posts,its not,this is me getting dumped and its not even happening face to face,its happening via Facebook,the same site that had brought us together in the first place-damn you Mark Zukerberg.

Am frantically typing,thank God for Qwerty keyboards,  “With who????”

The wait begins,I hit refresh like a hundred times on opera mini,still nothing,I pace the room,mad thoughts running through my mind.Pick  up the phone,refresh inbox (1),then i freeze up,the words couldn’t be clearer.

“With Austin,I thought you would have guessed by now.”

What follows is  awkward silence,I hear they call it pin drop silence.I take a sit,pour a stiff one, Kenya Cane never tasted  so plain,and allow myself to absorb it all.

Allow me to indulge you,She had the prettiest name you ever heard,Sandy Sue. Sandy was not you average chic on the block,far from it,she had the it factor in her,that touch of brilliance that made her stand out.Come to think of it,maybe that’s what drew me to her.

It happened just like it did in the movies,our meeting was magical. I had just gate crashed a bash in tao,the terrible trio was at it again

A couple of hours of frothy indulgence later and i was good to go,the mamas were ripe for the picking,and i was not going to pass out  on the opportunity. You know how it goes,a brother worked his magic around the club till he caught a glance of her.

There she was,immaculately dressed,Her eyes were golden,the smile she was wearing  priceless,a couple of guys were indulging her in casual talk.I took a  shot of viceroy and observed her from a distance.The fellas who were chatting her left,this was my shot…i made my way her seat.First thing to grab my attention was the bottle of Alvaro in her hand,Note to self:Non drinker

Swag check,style check I was good to go.”Hi am James”

She turned towards me,her smile was intoxicating.”Or did i catch you at a wrong time”I panically asked.

“Not at all,am Sandy,Sandy Sue.Pleasure to meet you.” That was my que and a brother wasn’t going let the moment slip.After the usual pleasantries,Casual talk was exchanged,Numbers were givenand facebook contacts added.A promise of  later acquittance promised.

The next day spelt the beginning of a well strategised plan to win Sandy over.I sent her my first text,

“Uko online,log in facebook ”

I loged on to facebook and sent myfirst inbox.

“Evening chic,how was your day?”

She called me boy,I called her chic.

The semester ended,The December holiday begun..Being residents of differnt towns,the long distance thing would have to do.If Bob Collymore would be asked am sure he would bear testimony,the number of hour spent either texting, calling or facebooking must have earnt Safaricom  a pretty penny.

A new semester dawned,School was back in session.

I still remember how Good it felt when we hugged  for the first time,her scent was un mistakable-Catherine,designer obviously,it lingered on even in her absence.The four months that constituted the semester were golden by any measure.

Memories of how we went clubing,Me trying to sway her to have a bottle of two,her so vehemently in refusal.

The lady in Yellow I recall,some how she had a way of combining two things i loved-yellow and her- into an ochestra of pure beauty.

Even the fellas were jealous,Jaymo was smitten,She had managed to turn a brother into a love sick puppy.

It wasn’t pure clock work differences were obviously there:Like here love for Reggae and eveything Jamaican and his love for Hip Hop.But just like eveything natural an equilibrium of sorts was struck.

Many are the nights he spent at her place,willowing in her presence,either watching the Animations she loved so much or just striking casual conversation about this and that lecturer and how he or she had ruined her day.

Am not sure what drew me to her,maybe it was her simplicity or maybe i was just looking for someone to fix me,my drinking had taken a rise over the weeks.But whatever it was, surely was working because this mama had gotten me smitten.

But Destiny has a twisted sense of humor,it has a way of  facking you up when you least expect it because here i find myself.

Questioning my manhood.wondering what went wrong.wondering whether it was that night i came to her place drunk,I had gotten into a comfort  spot of sorts, rarely putting any effort.Or maybe it was  the times i snoobed in  campo.

whatever it was,here I am,sipping away the liquor in my glass.typing my goodbye

Thoughts resonating in my mind,i can only  view myself as crayon in her life,i might not be her favorite color,but  one day she is going to need me to complete her picture

 
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Posted by on May 8, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES., Reflections

 

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