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Similarity between Prostitution and Coding/Programming in Kenya

I wrote the title to this post and couldn’t help but laugh at first. I mean ave written some really weird posts but Dude this one just has to be the one. Any way let me state my case:  Similarity between Prostitution and Coding/Programming in Kenya.

Let me begin with a shallow be it obscure definition of both: Prostitution is the act of selling one’s body in a sexual way for profit. It’s one of the oldest professions around. Coding is the development of software products that solve problems related to day to day activities. This is usually done for profit {or not} but let’s just stick with the profit aspect in this context. So how are the two similar you may ask!! Well I have been watching episodes of Hung back to back and the thought crossed my Mind…My God Prostitution and coding are similar.  Hung is a series about some boy toy that has to screw women for money simply for survival, but soon ends up doing it for the money. Here is a link >>>> Let me paint a picture of similarity between the above two professions.

In the world of Business the key to making major mullah is some form of Advertising. It doesn’t matter if its false advertising or true advertising the more you/ the product are known the more you are likely to get many customers and hence more mullah for you. Kapish…? The same applies to Hookers,  it doesn’t matter how prettya hooker is…If you don’t have  a connect then you don’t get mullah…or you will really have to put in work in order to barely get any customers. And don’t forget you may get a customer who refuses to pay once kazi imeisha simply because you are minus a pimp to chase them down. Still with me? Sawa wacha tuendele… Haya In this world if you don’t have connects and end up on Someones Street then Bitch you gon get your ass kicked.

The converse is also true. You may not be a fly looking mama but based on how good your Pimp is then you end up getting  major mullah .All the while the fly looking girl on the corner is still waiting at around 3am for their first customer. Or dodging the cops (Kanjo) and if the day is bad she will leave with barely anything in her pocket (or Bra!!).So the Key to a hooker getting paid is the pimp. And of course location, location, location.

Haya lets go to coding. A key aspect of coding in Kenya  is making money… (Wait before you start yelling I know some coders are in it for purely for the dev aspect, money aint an issue…That being said lets go ahead) . First there are coders who are just great, so great that they are like the fly hooker who just walks down the street and gets a pick up from some rich guy.0 effort on their side, she just swings her hips, flaunts the goods and viola!! The deal is sealed … the goods advertise themselves; they are few lakini, countable really. These types of coders are the ones who have done really huge projects and their name searches on Google yield impressive results. Cash is impressive also; actually the pay is more than impressive. Major $$$$ ka ching ching .

The second type of coders…the ones with a super pimp…A pimp who will hook them up with Jobs za Nguvu…USD projects…they know Mr.x in this blue chip firm…Mr. y in that other firm…yaani they are more wired than the extension cable in my house. These types of coders are the ones who get calls like “Niaje Msee BBK wants system flani…And they are willing to pay 5000USD if you can deliver it in 1 month”. They push two 4 figure USD projects   in a month. And have egos the size of Thika road.

Then kuna the third type, good coders who have no pimps…These guys have to remain on the corner the whole night…and hope the makeup they spent their last dime on will get them a client. These coders end up with 4 or 5 small jobs all barely 20K each …all jobs are on a tight schedule. 2-5 days deadlines for a 10K gig….the desperation of waiting on the curb makes them concede. If they are unlucky then even the 20 K they were to get paid ends up being stolen from them (Just like the hooker bila a pimp)

Then kuna the fourth type.   The ones who don’t even know where the curb is.  Those are like the pretty hookers who believe that since they are pretty they will end up making mullah. But soon find out that maisha bila pimp ni ngumu kuruka. They end up being facked (for free!!) all the while being lied to that they will be given a great job. Doesn’t matter if you can code in binary or even in some unknown scripting language.  If no one knows you then the most you will get is a lay from your chic (ile ya huruma…nothing kinky or spicy).

That being said…if you are a Kenyan coder…Then slot yourself accordingly. Wacha mimi nikatafute Pimp

 
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Posted by on October 29, 2012 in 254, code, kenyan clones, true stories, twitter, weekend

 

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How to spot fake Converse All Stars.

So  I finally stopped listening to Mr.Rager(kid cudi),after I had it on loop all weekend,and decided to do something constructive..go shopping for new chuck Taylor’s

Any one who knows me will admit am a sucka for converse high tops…

In my opinion converse makes the best shoes…You don’t believe me, then you Google up converse(ata wewe nakupea kazi). Any who I go check out this killer chukies @ t-mall,best shoes I ever laid my eyes on…

Price range be kinda high,you know a struggling coder doesn’t have that kind of cash lying around,so I call up the guy I know can get me anything Prof.

Most of my readers know prof,the savvy business man who can sell you anything from a blackberry to a wheelbarrow.

so here is how the conversation went down

“sema prof..nadai converse mbichi,red checked,unaweza ni hook up nazo?”

Prof being the biz guru doesn’t refuse to sell you anything under the sun,i once heard he tried selling a phone to Mabel Imbuga (JKUAT vc)..so here is what prof said

“sawa jaymo,lakini ubaya wako siku hizi unaniangushanga,kwanza ile xperia ulidai aje….niko na zingine mbili,karatasi”

so I interject “buda xperia niliwai,nadai hizo njumu tu! utafanya au?” Sensing my anxiety “sawa jaymo nipatie 4 hours ntakupigia”

converse-all-star

so I end the call,rush to kina Anto’s for xbox flossing(gears of war)..4 hours later he calls “Jaymo tupatane tao,nimezipata”

Off to tao,heart pounding in my chest,nearly got run over by a truck…I think I must have bumped into a lady with a baby on her back(sorry lady)..met prof the guru..black paper bag in hand….”ebu nizione” I mumble in anxiety….he puts his hand in the paper bag,time nearly stood still…..chuks out the chuks…..

KNOCK OFFS!!!!damn they aint real chukies,so i start bad mothing him”prof unanibeba aje hvyo mtu wangu,hizi viatu ni chinese,me nilikuwa nataka origi,zile ‘zimeanguka’ toka gari ya converse”

So prof gets irritated,am making him look bad,am tarnishing his image as a ‘clean’ business man,the kind dealing in chukies straight from America.He retorts “sasa hununui au?” “ntanunua aje vitu fake” “ubaya wako jaymo ni maringo,hi kiatu ni origi kwanza nakuuzia 3K pekee,kiatu utaishii nayo” “iza boss,hiyo kiatu ni fake”..

I walk away sadly,leaving the savvy prof with his knock off chukies….so ladies and getlemen,how do you tell if your chuk taylors are fake or no??

Here is my How to spot fake Converse All Stars for dummies guide:

1.) The price: Like seriously,if someone is selling you chukies @ 2k,na ana claim ni mbichi,then my guess is:….THEY ARE MADE IN CHINA

2.)The converse shoe logo:the original logo is pretty clear and it has a star,the fake ones are dim and weird writings on it

3.)The Tongue:the tongue is that piece of cloth under the laces,In real chukies it should have the all stars logo written clearly

4.)The sole:The sole is basically the foundation of the shoe,chukies have real rubber soles,with an indentation at the threads of the shoes

5.)The inner sole: how can you not love the feel of the original chuks interior,wearing real chukies gives you a foot orgasm of sorts,any who….the inner soles have the logo inscribed in bold color

6.) The front of the shoe: the real converse front has a line doning the color,tha leaves room for a glance of the white front part..something like this

Finally  the original chukies come in a box,not a black paper bag………

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2011 in kenyan clones, Reflections, true stories

 

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