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Listen up all yee non coding Believers.

OK fine, hii mwaka inaonekana si mbaya, code wise actually… si ati am saying i haven’t gotten any runtime errors or fatal warnings, kwanza jana i had buffer overflows zingine crazy…but just generally. I feel my coding has kinda matured. Let me paint a picture for you: In first year while doing Calculus 2 I had this lecture who was  quite un orthodox, after he had finished teaching all 5 methods of integration he introduced a 6th one :Integration by looking at, this is what he said… in math there comes a time when you just look at a function and figure out how its integrated. This seemed quite the academic fit for my then young mind but a couple of Calculus and ODE lessons later i had gained the mastery, the mastery to stand up to smothing like PDE and not fall into fits of shock….

Back to the present,well code is no different from that integration class of mine, once upon a time you are doing hello world code… then taking baby steps to understand how the core functions work… till you get to a place where you have amassed  code skills and a library that you have created, that you understand and that you apply often in you coding  endevours. You reach a place where you look at code and know whats happening,how to optimize to reduce consumption on vital resources and most importantly how an exploit would be carried out if need to  ever arose and how to prevent said exploit.

Then you grow up a network of people who think,talk and pretty much have obsession for code like you.Anonymous and lulz sec  did IRC but us mere mortals just hang out on twitter or the *ihub,or at whatever place has good wi fi connection and just kick it. People start associating you with certain terms, just as you would idenfiy a guy like Alykhan Satchu with  IPO people now identify with PHP,JSP,java… that kinda thing.

your ka blog is  now getting kitu 320 hits a day with readers showing interst hapa na pale,you are being followed by a sizable number of people pia on twitter…At least wasee wanakuelewa…….. till one day someone has the BALLS to ask a dumb question like “Jaymo kama wewe ni mnoma Android mbona hukushinda Afrinolly last year kwa Google challenge,mbona hukushinda MsemaKweli last year kwa App circus….” the same guy goes on to rant “…. what do you have to show for all that code talk?”

Well hapo ndipo the Merian blood in me starts boiling up and i may decide to go all wordy on you and probably give you   abit of tongue whoop ass. But to what avail… to have you read it back from what ever location you are and you would be like”silikuambia…” Hell no Jaymo is bigger than that.

I have great  mentors in my coding life,mentors who will tell you that as soon as you make that prize money, hed to coasto and do tequilla on the white sand, you will be digging a coding grave for yourself because some kid will be on his HP coding while you sucking tities in lambada….is that the reason why i dont do coding competitions, well not exactly, id rather do a whole week of coding for a client, present excellent workmanship after its all said and done… watch the client awe in amazment, that look of gratitude in his face is orgasmic… then walk away with say X amount, knowing that the client will most likely give me a referal to someone else and someone else,na polepole jaymo ata pata dough.. than just winning a compe, getting the media and online coverage that will see you think umefika, ukuwe relaxed, pole pole ukuwe lazy. then mwisho mwisho you  fall out.

Personally id rather put in work on an idea i feel will earn me long term mulla than short term fame, a project that will change and impact the lives of people than an app that will probably not even make it to the mainstream market.Kenya is currently ripe.. Gava imeanza kufanya kazi, Bitange Ndemo is doing his thing,mpaka telecos flani hapo imeacha utiaji na ina allow coders to do their thing uliza Iddsalim…

What am trying to say is i got my thing going on… i don’t wake up in the morning and start typing lines of code for nothing…natafuta hella mwanangu and the best way i know how to is the one am currently doing… so coding fests in 2012 are a huge NO but ukiskia client anadai coding work halla at you boy.

 

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2012 in code, JKUAT, Reflections, true stories, twitter

 

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Things to do in 2012.

so every one comes up  with a bucket list of things to do in a new year sijui you want to get saved or you want to save some endangered species in the amazon or plant trees in the mau… well my bucket list is rather….well…. rather  Jaymo. Any reader of this blog will attest  to my over indulgence in that which I call froth, the same readers will also attest for my deep love for code, but i promise to tone down on the froth this year, after several muggings in 2011. But for real though 2012 is the last year i have in college{dont even think am gon do an MSC}

so for 2012 this is  what i want to do

1.)Get a Muturi call

Yes we all heard that call “….aki muturi ku** inawaka moto….” yes boys and girls i want me a call like that, where she begs me to come rock her world like the flintstones and then i give her a lame  exuse like “aki babie si unajua na code, niko na project flani nafanyia client na siwezi kuja….” and then she will go like “.. aki jaymo ntakulipia taxi,atakama unataka meli ntalipa….” all this while the phone is on speaker and the crew is LOLing like they just smoked a spliff. Any way you get the picture

2.)Ship marto to some weird tao when he is passed out

This is not exactly me being all creative, i borrowed it from shameless, if you dont know what shameless is click here>> well in the series the old man passes out after indulging in froth and finds his ass in canada, yes he is shipped from states to canada. And that is what i plan on doing to one Marto this year. You have been warned

3.) Go to a Jew wedding 

Jaymo wacha utiaji wtf you talking about ati a jew what???? Niko serious btw, av always wanted to those guys just rock, they exchange vows, break glass, then lift the bride and groom on a chair. like seriously, sasa imagyn niko maji alafu  mimetokelezea kwa weeding kaa hiyo #winning

Av always wanted to lift someone on a chair,so a jew weedding it is for me, ju ya hiyo story i should start hanging around  their synagogues in tao, so mkiniona you know what am up to

4.)Blog more often.

I pulled a sebatical last year and abstained from written words,am not going to lie and tell you i went to the bahamas to discover myself, heck i was in kenya, doing nothing out of the ordinary, jaming to campmulla while dissing em football fans. so this year amo stop all that, and promise not to blog about Kabinti…..as much

5.)Code,code,code,code

Yes how can i forget about code, hii raundi am going HAM on yall, so wasee wa ruby jua your bwoy be coming through in 2012, i once heard a coder say that if java is a pair of scissors then ruby is a chainsaw, basi ju ya hiyo story si php itakuwa a pair on nun-chucks???? I want to have the honor of coding with someone like mohammed ahmed maaway,or debug code for eyedol. yes you bwoy be going HAM… listen to a coder like Linda Kamau talk about the code while thinking of banging a female coder like mariegithinji... yes code lazima iendele.

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2012 in 254, campo, code, Humour, JKUAT, Reflections, twitter

 

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The Struggling coder

Am in no way a big time coder….half  of the guys I have interacted with will attest to this….but am the type of coder who will hustle ju chini to be as great as someone like Iddsalim…am the type of coder who has only handled kitu 6 clients mpaka saa hizi…the type of coder who did a rookie mistake  that may cost him alot in the event it backfires

So here is what cut,flani wa flani gets a referal from flani wa flani that jaymo can weave an idea into a running application….the refered to flani wa flani goes ahead and conatcts you……set up a meeting with you.All professional

You hook up with  the said client…..He knows what he wants(my kind of client).he even has mock ups all done decribing what he wants….You like what he is talking about….at the back of your mind you know you can code this bila wasiwasi…..Quick cash right?….wacha niendelee…you set up a price for the said project…..ju kijana ako na njaa na anataka pesa pap ana  underestimate the true cost of the project….you are doing a project worth X at 0.5X (yaani unaifanya for half the price)…..you must have missed the grin on his face when you gave him your quotation.

Client ni mstrict…anatoa ma contract,una sign,haina ma fina print*hata ingekuwa nayo all my lawyer friends were drinking that day*

Una sign on the dotted line…..Jammaa ni mpoa anakushika ka thao usikose fare ya kwenda home,you agree kuitoa kwa the 0.5X amount…..haya basi…..huyo mimi home

Kejani comp inatolewa code inaandikwa….true to your word,in 3 days unakitu ya kumshow….call it a beta of sorts….You email him and agree to hook up later on in the day.

Kitu 5pm while sipping an expensive cup of coffee at Dormans that he is paying for he has a look at what you have  come up with.ana smile…ile smile unapatianga dame akiingia box mara ya kwanza….

unajua uko paid….right? wrong!!!

Ana anza za ovyo”ok ni poa but nilikuwa nataka tuongeze database intergation hapa na hapa” Kwa kicwa yako isha kuwa 3tier already…more money for this struggling coder….You are up for the task….

Kejani tena,after kukata maji kiasi unarudia code….2 days iko sawa….second meeting…coffee bado…smile bado…..ana za ovyo tena”nilikuwa nataka ikae hivi…” ana sample kwa comp yake…..na hii si MVC coding ati utachange view chap chap..au tusema ni XML unaeza modify ukingoja  que ya beef mess

So back to the code…siku ngapi mpaka sasa 7 days….Ina bidii urudi campo,Final year is calling…..

Client ana kuharakisha,una hustle keja,huja register units….stress kibao so you cant get coding…..Client gets all threatening..ana anza kukumbusha what you signed….”In the event of failure to submit said project in said days then you will be deamed to have abscorned and may be liable for any cost incured during interaction with fulani fulani”…bullshit

Damn…unajifungia keja..Daro ka zote hujaenda..Fluid Mechanics hujaingia,PDE hatahujui nani anawafunza….coding tu,atleast unahope no more changes…..mpaka mabeste wana complain ju frothy friday uko kejani….after a couple of days code imeiva….ime steady ka 6AM erection…..

You hand over the project and wait for testing then consequent payment.Akileta za ovyo usha bonga na fake lawyer beste yako vile  utamhandle…..umechoka na hizi changes ana ka akimake kila siku

Lesson learnt:Always read the blue print behind every contract you enter,specify enough time allowing you to test before hand kabla kupatia owner and in the wise words of my coding mentor(James Maina) always teach yourself how to price your product such that isikae so cheap*read fake* au to expe

so at least leo naeza lala bila stress ju code iko salama…ju ya hiyo story kecho naenda daro

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2011 in 254, campo, code, Reflections

 

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Google Interview:

Before we go ahead,this is not a post about the Infamous Google interview,neither is it about me being called for one,rather its about the latest craze…applying for an x or y position at Google.

Its got techies shitting in their pants”umeskia flani wa flani ameitwa interview na Google”,Then you start developing a fever or a mild rash…reality hits you that you are still stuck in your shitty job,doing crap you don’t even like for little or no pay at all,while flani wa flani may end up at Google….

My take on the whole thing:Its a load of boo-lox,seriously plain old Boo-lox

“Jaymo wacha machungu,sasa ju hujawai itwa ata moja ndo unakuwa sour grape?” quite the contray….allow me to expound:

Here is what happens most of the time:You fall in love with computers at a  young age,along the way you enroll to some college/campus and take up a certain field in computing…first semester you ace your C exams,uv even coded a program that allows tweeps to pay theoretically check their bank account balance<lame>

2nd year hapo you can read source code like you are  deciphering Egyptian hieroglyphics,you develop a following in college

“Waaa, hujaskia vile flani wa flani ameiva code,naskia mpaka anataka kutoa Linux Distro yake” <as if>….You are good,exam zote una ace…kidogo ufanywe rep wa comp lab <some even do>ju half the time kama you are not at some hot spot in colle sourcing for wi-fi then uko huko,ka ethernet

Data structures and algorithms,uli ace mbaya,mpaka ma lecturer wana shuku una copy ju ulipata *cram* kila kitu…transcript ina Alphabet moja A….toka 1st year mpaka saa hii.

Kidogo kidogo una anza kuenda *ihub,una kuwa mabeste na macoder,unaskia ma idea zao,you take a glance at this and that source code,unafunzwa ku code behind an API<na unajiskia Linus trovalds flani> some times if you are lucky the ask you something,una rudi home ume steady ju vile umebambika.

Next sem,wasee hawawezi kushow any,wewe ndo kusema…On most nights you get laid ka twice hivi,ma groupie wako ni wengi excess…ukienda mess unaona wasee waki point

“Ni ule msee nilikuwa nakushow,ule coder mwendaaa”…

Ka 4th year project una ace,then along the road someone tells you about Google…kidogo unjoti….Una froth kiasi una anza kuona ma halusinations za wewe na Larry Page mkikunywa exotic coffee pamoja,discussing the next big project ya Google.

Mara hiyo hiyo,ka CV kanaundwa,kana uploadiwa kwa repository yao…fingers crossed una omba waku call.

Couple of days,your ka phone rings….weird number…you pick…its Google…they ask one or two things,thank you for your interest,and an Interview date is set….

Nyga,hushikiki..unaenda home<ata  hupandi mat,leo ni cab>,unashow significant other(s) wako…mpaka una mangana dry<kwani ata ukipata/peana ball Google itakuwa ina ku pay vipoa,no biggie>…una download tu ebooks twako,algorithms una anza…..heap-sort, merge-sort, Dijkstra’s Algorithm, TSP, Graphs etc, una polish up.

Una polish languages,ka C,C++,ka python,java….uko set…..siku ina fika,simu ina lia,una do your thing….buda yaani una spit code ka holy scripture….Uko sure uko ndani….

A couple of days later,Interview 2,sasa ni ku fyam,unaset up Google docs,una ambiwa u code……!!!!!!!Lights out for you Nyga…the moment of reconing…HUWEZI DO SHYT….kumbe uv been a dud,a copy paster,a script Kiddie..just keyboarding……Google can smell fake a mile away….

Unarudi home…izaa buda,dame wako haja Roll this month,uko facked,utalea mtoto,na Google haitakusaidia <labda kuchagua jina>

Naskia umehamia bing,G just facked you up.

That’s why if I get anyone else telling me to apply,amo stab someone….dont get me wrong am not throwing subliminal blows at anyone…Its just how it happens,najua kuna watu zaidi 7 wameapply and failed to get in…and they all exhibit the above traits<save for the kumangana dry>Hiyo ni chuki tu yangu

If you ask me,kwanza anzia mahali,get experience in a certain field,create a niche for your self,usijisell na transcripts..let your work<proofs of concept> sell you,Code vismart kwanza…

It’s one thing to be able to code to an API or install an OS from a CD. But, to really understand, on a system level, everything that’s happening in the background to make all the “magic” possible is a different level altogether.Its one thing to code on your own for nearly a month on a project you think will get you that break,but its another thing to code under the pressure of deadlines,coding where uki mess una fack up watu wengi

Uki code vibaya,alafu I go online and serch for my usual exotic asian porn,alafu iniletee Midget porn,huoni hapo umeni screw???To avoide that learn kwanza,do the dirty work/code…I said code….si read and cram code…

Ndo enyewe the next time its Google looking for you and not vive varsa

If i offended any readers,izaa someone had to say it…if una ball ya msee alikushow ameitwa interview Google,lea…lakini mwambie a re strategise…

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2011 in 254, code, INTERNSHIP, Reflections, true stories

 

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JKUAT graduation

So the good people at JKUAT  class of 2010/2011 will be graduating tommorow,I know thats not exactly breaking news to many of you,but it does warrant a blog post.A blog post to big up all the tweeps av grown fond of,tweeps who i have gotten drunk with,passed out with and even mwaorad with.I  will be a bit nostaligc so bear with me:

I will miss Shiro,Nelz and ka smalz the 3 adorable friends of mine.

nelz,shiro,ka smallz

The memories we have forged will never be forgoten(zingine ziliacha scar) .In between doing shots kwa stage,u guys doing shots bila lime alafu mna act like nothing happened. Kwenda rave zingine random za wednesday night,au monday evening when everyone else is in school.To funny events like the noodles fiasco…how can i forget you guys being fukuzwad by janitors usiku,crushing parties za wasee wa cu without an invite,alafu tuko maji ingine crazy.

To weird things like Bangara, and the long walk in pursuit,the cwazy house parties,drinking stuff i cant even post on my blog.

Going to mombasa like its nothing big

Remember “oya nelz si tudunde coast saa hii”,and its 9pm in the nyt…man you chics was cwazy,ill miss that.

Another group of tweeps i will miss is nesh,banda,brown,jack…aka the guys who drink and the guy who doesn’t

Where do i begin,Nesh the guy with the tatoos, in between you and marto dissing guys without tats ati”wale hawana tatoo watoke hapa”you getting drunk on sundays<i never got that> to pams on weekends,dude you rocked that shyt.

Banda,the 3 pointers on the court was lethal like an arsenic injection,you and jack worked majic on that court

Brown:dude your final year project was dope,ukinyimwa first class tuna tafuta omutata a start maandamano jkuat..

Next:drum rolls please……solo

Nyga where do i begin with you,You the only guy i know alive who drunk for 1WEEK STRAIGHT. Mazee kukata maji abijan sice 2008,pams with you brother talking shyt we couldnt get<umo lingo>,kwenda mess ukiwa first na bado una hijack line….dude enyewe ilikuwa tyt .

Lazima Nyamira<local bar> ataskia loss of revenue ju ya absence yako.

Yes am biased like that am going to miss guys wa mathematics and comp science the most coz basically that was the crew….

Nelz and shi,you know amo hit u up on twitter every morning as is custom…

Lakini kama hujatajwa hapa,usiseme ati huyo jama jaymo ana ni hate siku hizi.na vile alikuwa anashindwa kulipa fare namsort…mob lovings to everyone….

Back to the server room

 
 

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New degree cource B.sc Drinking

Name:CrazyNairobian

Location:Nairobi Kenya

Intention:Re blog a work of art

Permissions:Its my blog God damn it,i can re blog aslong as i pay Literal appreciation to the author

That being said,allow me to re blog something i read from crazy Nairobian jana:

Announcement for New Degree course B.Sc (Drinking)

The University Of Nairobi has announced the introduction of a brand new degree course, B.Sc (Drinking), which will be offered through local pubs and restaurants at very affordable fees. Details for the new course as availed to the press are as follows;

1) The lessons will be taken during weekends and Friday evening at any Pub, restaurant or other outlet with relevant course materials subject to the Mututho Law.

2) Before taking any of the hard courses, all students are required to undertake introductory courses like Nyama Choma 106, Eat At Your Mothers House 107, Supu Na Ulimi 108 or Kudoea Kwa Neighbor 110.

3) Core courses include WD 101 (Weekend drinking 101) and the difficult Nursing Hangovers 102. For those who find these courses a little tough, Pucking 103 will be offered in Lecture Room LOO A and LOO B.

4) Those who take Pucking 103 away from these venues might enjoy Vibare 606 or Makumbo 702 for free from other Lecturers on duty like Prof Bouncer, Dr Makanga and the very thorough Prof Members Ole Public.

5) All students are required to have all relevant course materials including Sufficient bottles of beer, Nyama choma, cigarrettes (optional) and pocket money for personal use during the course. PLEASE, DO NOT ATTEND WITHOUT RELEVANT MATERIALS HOPING TO SHARE OR STEAL!

6) Female students found trying to issue sexual favours for better grades will be punished by being forced to take Mpango wa kando 201 or chips Funga 202 courses after classes.

7) Items deemed illegal in the lecture hall include Alvaro, assorted sodas and mineral water. Students caught with these items in the lecture room will be kicked out! Class Prefects including Mr. Waiter and Miss Waitress will be on the look out for such.

8) Students hoping to improve their grades are welcome for remedial classes every during weekdays. Extra charges will apply.

9) While the outlets offering these services will strive to provide materials for neccesary for the course completion like tables, chairs and lab materials like glasses and plates, the materials may not be enough depending on the time of month. Students are thus adviced to report early to avoid disappointments.

10) ALL students who want to take home-learning courses are adviced to collect the books, SIX-PACK by Tusker, Pilsner or Redds, Viceroy – A case study of Alcohol content 40%, ZAPPA – watch your shit go red, and other relevant course books and materials as listed in the local notice board in any supermarket under ALCOHOLIC DRINKS.

11) Parallel Degree Programs for those with low grades and lots of money will be offered at special outlets like Hilton, 680 hotel, SERENA and Panafric Hotel. More outlets will be announced soon. Please not Chang’aa 501, Busaa 502, Keg 503 and Muratina 504 are strictly NOT offered under the parallel degree program.

DISCLAIMER:

a) University of Nairobi will not be liable for physical and financial damages or time-loss incurred by any students who report to the wrong lecture halls especially classes that offer courses like Policemen 404, Ngeta 602 and Mdudu 609 and Mututho 202.

b) The University recommends all students carry one BF or GF to class depending on preferences. Students who fail to do this are required to drop the course, Game-Yako-Iko-Down 909, if they wish to avoid taking loneliness 901 in the lecture rooms. …

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2011 in 254, Humour, Reflections, twitter, weekend

 

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What I want #truethots

. I  had a close someone ask me “Jaymo,na wewe ju tumejuana na wewe miaka hiyo yote na unashindanga story za comps,what do you want in life,sijawai jua?”.This got  me thinking,and yall know anything that raises my pulse rate is was worth tweeting or blogging about

what do I want: I want to develop for Android,mimi ata mkiniambia Symbian oooh,s60 oooh,sijali,Android just does it for me,Najua techies will read this and hit me with statistics about how symbian be the ishh…to which i will reply with Kenyan Demographics about android growth<hence target market>.I ditched Statistics as my Math Major in campo but it doenst take MGF , CDF or test of Hypothesis to know that’s where to head.Hence I have amuad my final year project will be an Android app. code named =>Tafuta<=

Am a man of modesty and realism marrying to give birth to aka jaymo,hence cash isn’t on my check list.Not coz i got a huge trust fund stacked away in some Cayman Island account but because the way to really learn something is to do it practically,and when something has to be done practically it requires mulla.

Enter free services,unless you got connect from here to silicon Valley am betting you can’t have it all,you cant have access to an OTA server at safaricom,an ISA server at campo,code snippets from Google labs..so how do you get a piece of the action..for me this is how:

“Jaymo,cooperative Bank ina install SBS, mpya,so tunaenda ku upgrade network yao,unaona aje,siukuje!!!” obvoiusly half of yall would be out the door by the end of the conversation,here is the catch “Na by the way jaymo hatukulipi,utatu help for free”….hapo ndipo passion ina kick in..its not every day you get a sneak peak into high level clearance areas,then again hawa wasee wanalipwa major chedda na hawakulipi…but Jaymo will be there,atakama i have to take a camel ride,i will be there to learn…mlipe, msilipe.

I hear the critics talking,”Jaymo hiyo ni ufala,utatumiwa the udumpiwe”.True it happened to a pal of mine once,nyga used to work for company X <name withheld>,got excellent exposure,his was accounting,till the next best thing came along,he was prematurely retired,only thing to show for working there was a recommendation letter-or so we thought- six months later,he was still broke,not a jobo in sight..but Karma has its way..through a cruel twist of fate his ex boss died<ule wa company X>,and he got the call to replace him,having been his under study..couple of months later we were indulging in frothy delight on his tab.

I know if i fukuza that chedda now,this is what i will be rocking nikienda rave Langata,froth on me and what not

But cash brings along with it some sense of comfort,relaxation if you may,and that results into laziness,I will  be stuck with the same skill set,while newbies will be uping there game at my expense..couple of years later  jaymo will be rendered redundant na ntarudi kuishi na mum..so free work it is till i make my niche in whatever field i choose.

While we at what I want:I wouldn’t mind me a freaky chic,with curly black  hair and a tattoo that reads ‘rebel without a cause’ on her  boob  and who loves to stay in bed all day with me,doing the nasty 🙂 🙂  nasty :-). but i guess that can wait

May the force be with you,nimerudi server room.

 
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Posted by on July 12, 2011 in INTERNSHIP, Reflections, true stories

 

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#Twitter addiction.

It has become almost a routine,for lack of a better word ill call myself an addict…..a typical textbook addict…withdrawal symptoms kinda addict.No folks am not pulling one of those Galis stories on you,far from it,am talking about a certain Morning ritual I have become addicted to.Ill give you a hint,it involves…Dante,Chebet,Nelz and Ynair…..still no guess,ok then let me divulge,Twitter,,,,,yes folks every morning we tweet,just the 5 of us,about nothing,about everything…

twitter addict

SS<social sites> aren’t exactly my kinda thing,i did try my hand at a couple of them,there was Migg33 back in high school,when everyone thot being a migg merchant was the way to go<don’t even get me started on the poor internet speed back then>,that wave passed,next Facebook which i kinda maintained till date but was never the avid fecebooker…next 2go,sucked at that to<blame sony erricson> all this while paying no attention to my twitter account.

Until i landed on Gravity…

gravity

sasa jaymo Gravity ni nini??sawa basi wacha ni explain,after my sony erricson was repossessed by thugs,i had to downgrade to a nokia symbian s60 phone.so one day a checking out twitter apps and landed on the mother of all apps Gravity.

gravity

What really kunywad me with this twitter client was the Timeline.Gravity has the best timeline ever…no wonder you cant get a full version for free download.so began my addiction with twitter, i began following guys i knew @ctumwet @ombuna@snellima guys i had just met once@iddsalim @savvykenya guys who blogged@archer @bikozulu  tech guys@kachwaya@ihub

So the morning ritual was born:Here is what happens most of the time,I always tweet earliest coz am at the office by 7.30am

@ombuna@snellima@ctumwet@ynair morning yall

That’s usually the first thing even before my eclipse is fired up for the days coding session.Minutes later Dante usually replies @aka_jaymo@ynair@ctumwet@snellima morning.

I then shift from gravity to web..and the days coversating can begin.This twitter list is really funny.

@ctumwet nicknamed dame wa kitenge coz she posted pics of her ‘homemade kitenge’ on her blog<ok snellima was the culprit behind that joke> But av never laghed harder.

@ctumwet's Kitenge

Here is a quote from her bog:Soooo…mad excitement!!! Wondering why I’ve been away from the blog for like three days not saying about the little things that I’ve been allowed to by the Almighty?? A DRESS!! It is a dress the has kept me away from the blog for like three days not saying about the little things that I’ve been allowed to by the Almighty!!!

Then there is @ombuna,not alot to say bout him except he is the emotional one,@ynair recomended i bring him flowers coz he needs some sunshine in his life,between him telling me how he has just been busted growing weed by his dad,and me and him exchanging verbal insults about dubing exams in JKUAT…he   fun lakini<dont let him hear I said that> Lakini dante next sem hakuna ku chew ovyo ovyo!!

@snellima,I call her mellisa,chebet calls her nelz,ynair had a new one this week nazi..she the alumni of the group,having finished campo months ago,graduating this month I guess.Nelz is the mchokozi of the group,She the one who comes up with weird topics of discussion,Juzi they were talking bout mtu wa KBC…only god knows who that is.

@ynair…she introduced the classic line “the tribe has spoken”,a finality in most conversations,ynair always has my  back when i diss dante,mpaka akamwabia ampatie tissues to wipe the tears when dante was getting all emotional.

@aka_jaymo…the blogger.The one who beefs with dante,shares jokes with ynair,used to drink with snellima and blogs with chebet and now is addicted to twitter

So every morning before @alychansatchu starts tweeting you know where you can find me

ps.Follow me <here>

Back to the Server room!!

 
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Posted by on July 9, 2011 in 254, Reflections, true stories, twitter

 

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Frothy Indulgence @Nakuru.

Naxs Babie!!! yes folks,i was in Nakuru for the last 2 days,ok maybe 1 day and a half…but bwoy was it fun…so allow me to narrate my naxs experience,i will add an ounce of creativity on this post by framing it as a letter,a letter to my boy Prankster aka Marto,who decided to deactivate his facebook account and loose his phone so that I cant derail him no more(f*** you for that son)..so here goes

Dear Prankster;

I begin with an insult, just like I always do ,wewe ni mbwa sana,story ya kukataa kwenda Lewa ilinibore adding insult to injury uka go a  notch higher by missing out on Naxs .Any who i know you had your reasons, jobo maybe so wacha nikushow what cut.

So me, Bob aka Emanu and RitchieRich, endad naxs for Nelson’s pass out. You remember Nelson, my boy from FTC Para Military, am guesn emanu and ritchierich be strangers,but ni maboy flani wa me I.Fikad naxs kitu 3 pm hivi and yes you can guess what I did first,called Ka binti (readers may remember her from this post)

“Sap chic, am in Nakuru, where you at”…She was kind of busy so acquaintance was promised on the next day. Great. Next call the man of the day

“Buda,IZ how,ndo nimefika..sioni ka ntafika FTC Lanet,si we can hook up in tao,do some frothy reunion?”

“sawa boss nikifika tao nta ku halla”.So me and the boys decide to hit some local, down a couple to pass tyme, RitchieRich decides to halla @mavo his boy Interning in Nakuru ,am thinking the more the merry. So I also halla @bigwill, we all hook up nje ya tuskys. Am starved, need to get me some food.

So @ marvo pelekas us to some joint, bigwill being from naxs is suprised we know the ka mjoint..allow me to indulge you I cant remember the joints name, but here is what I will neva sahau, they serve the best chicken-cheapest rather- I have ever eaten this side of the Rift valley, and at what price…120, for a big ass piece of chicken breast. Add 10 bob to that amount (ka ugali) and you got youself a hearty meal…compliments to the chef!! I received the bill with shock

130 bob

I kula ile ya njaa,then it hits me cheap kuku+nakuru=flamingo scare….so I ita the waiter, evidently in awe.

“oya boss,hii nyama vile ni mingi hivi uko sure ni ya kuku au ni flamingo??” I could have sworn i saw a hint of pink on the meat “ni kuku,za huku ni kubwa hivi,hatuwezi uza flamingo”.everyone is looking at me @emanu @willi@ritchie@mavo. So i decide to kill the storo and eat in peace…Willi has to rash back to work so we excuse him.

Next stop El Locale…

Bar Tender @El Locale

Its not the name of the club, i just nicknamed it that..its not Mututho tyme yet so we are let in incognito,chini ya maji yaani (I hope the pow pow aint reading this).Am a tusker fan,so me orders some froth and head to some fancy couch at the end..1-2-3-4 bottles later,am now psyched energizer bunny aint got nathing on me ,kina ritchie are doing shots at the counter…naaa not my style…5-6 bottles…some naxs mamas  walk in…naa not my style either.Mavo walks in,he has just brought some chic also here  for the pass out…

I didn’t get her name but forgetting her is hard..she had this long dreadlocks,the swag of a college kid and the demeanor of a peddler(pun intended).I head to  the counter,exchange pleasantries,one or two jokes to kill the tension..we do shots with lime,much to my cringe..am guessing she felt comfortable to ask me this

“do you smoke ****” I couldn’t get what she was saying clearly,the music muffled her speech”Nauliza,do you smoke WEED??” I got that loud and clear..i turn towards her,spliff in hand,In reply “Used to,but av since quit…” “pussy” she snaps at me,leaves the elLocale with the rest..back in 20mins singing redeption song like freed slaves.

Marvo and miss locks

The time 8.45pm,the mood exstatic,the crowd rowdy….the phone rings,caller ID Nelson..”mko wapi,me niko barclays,come pick me” I look @emmanu,ame chew kwa counter-(@ emmanu,najua utakataa,but najua ulikuwa umechew).So me and ritchie go pick up Nelson from Barclays

Emotional reunion,I swear i culda cried,the millitary has made him skiny,but he aint complaining,so why should i?Back to the ride,El Locale here we are….

Shouts,screams and  name calling later we decide to go to Taidys..i here it happens there,plus our kamjoint is getting rather claustrophobic if you get my drift.More boti’s of froth,ka vicerory on the side.Stories are being exchanged,threats issued to emmanu for being the chew master he is (I here at law school they call him CMB-chew master bob).He chews none the less,we leave him at the balcony to sober up…while the big boys drink on…

He sobers at around 2am..and they decide to tour the streets of Naxs—–major mistake——

The call:”buda,tuko cell,tumeshikwa” Caller ID:Ritchie, i laugh it off,drunk bastards I assume,Second call “huamini,tumeshikwa,ni kunoma”.Its past 3am,i conclude if there is anything  i can do it will have to wait till morning…(Me and the OCS aint fam na hatujuani).3.30 am they stager back in.

The almighty must really love this boys coz here they are,its like they had a  monopoly ‘get out of jail card’…They narrate the ordeal,we shrag it off,after all they safe,right?

Froth is in abudance…Taidys is closing..off to the next joint…we gully creep our way out in stealth,the pow pow maybe larking around..try silencing around 20 guys,all high as fack,major nyef nyef i tells you.

Me,Nelson,Emmanu and Ritchie head to some joint called ribbons..do kidogo froth and call it a nyt.Board at some   cheap ass place….

7.00am Nelson wakes me up,he has to report to gilgil,he has been stationed there before his pass..so he leaves…i see him off.back in like 20 mins thats when i realize Ritchie slept on the floor.. I laugh it off and offer him a bed..

RitchieRich asleep on the floor

8.30,we are woken up,its not room service,this aint the Hilton,its the cleaning guy

“Tokeni,masaa yenu imeisha,toka toka!!!!”I Manage a quick shower,slip on my converse and walk down stairs,the i see this funny sign..and decide it qualifys  as a Kodak moment

black forest 40 uji 30

I call up my lil lady(@ka binti),and kumbusha her av nt left,we head to the Kuku ya 120 joint,i do pilau and chicken..am hungry,i guess booze does that to one.Ritchie gets an Eureka moment,he wants to toa locks with a couple shots of Vice.I decline the offer,in my defence am hooking up with Ka Binti and she doesnt like me drunk(am a sucka like that i know)

She calls at around 10,we hook up for breako at Maigos(she does rather,am stuffed) we Exchange stories about this and that,programing at Finlay’s,how the fellas were nicked by the cops…She thinks i have cwazy friends…we both take our turn at dissing marto for his particular absence…

She looks great,cant help but oogle,she notices,blushes at my compliments…bob and ritchie are not amused by my Romeo an juliet shyt..They insist on going home, am faused to agree…raundi mwenda tao later we head off.

Naxs in the rear view mirror, ukooflani playing….I bead my goodbyes…And call it a rave.

So prankster, that’s what you missed, at least I filled you in on  what transpired, now you know what you missed out on.

In sobriety and froth,

AkaJaymo

 
 

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How to spot fake Converse All Stars.

So  I finally stopped listening to Mr.Rager(kid cudi),after I had it on loop all weekend,and decided to do something constructive..go shopping for new chuck Taylor’s

Any one who knows me will admit am a sucka for converse high tops…

In my opinion converse makes the best shoes…You don’t believe me, then you Google up converse(ata wewe nakupea kazi). Any who I go check out this killer chukies @ t-mall,best shoes I ever laid my eyes on…

Price range be kinda high,you know a struggling coder doesn’t have that kind of cash lying around,so I call up the guy I know can get me anything Prof.

Most of my readers know prof,the savvy business man who can sell you anything from a blackberry to a wheelbarrow.

so here is how the conversation went down

“sema prof..nadai converse mbichi,red checked,unaweza ni hook up nazo?”

Prof being the biz guru doesn’t refuse to sell you anything under the sun,i once heard he tried selling a phone to Mabel Imbuga (JKUAT vc)..so here is what prof said

“sawa jaymo,lakini ubaya wako siku hizi unaniangushanga,kwanza ile xperia ulidai aje….niko na zingine mbili,karatasi”

so I interject “buda xperia niliwai,nadai hizo njumu tu! utafanya au?” Sensing my anxiety “sawa jaymo nipatie 4 hours ntakupigia”

converse-all-star

so I end the call,rush to kina Anto’s for xbox flossing(gears of war)..4 hours later he calls “Jaymo tupatane tao,nimezipata”

Off to tao,heart pounding in my chest,nearly got run over by a truck…I think I must have bumped into a lady with a baby on her back(sorry lady)..met prof the guru..black paper bag in hand….”ebu nizione” I mumble in anxiety….he puts his hand in the paper bag,time nearly stood still…..chuks out the chuks…..

KNOCK OFFS!!!!damn they aint real chukies,so i start bad mothing him”prof unanibeba aje hvyo mtu wangu,hizi viatu ni chinese,me nilikuwa nataka origi,zile ‘zimeanguka’ toka gari ya converse”

So prof gets irritated,am making him look bad,am tarnishing his image as a ‘clean’ business man,the kind dealing in chukies straight from America.He retorts “sasa hununui au?” “ntanunua aje vitu fake” “ubaya wako jaymo ni maringo,hi kiatu ni origi kwanza nakuuzia 3K pekee,kiatu utaishii nayo” “iza boss,hiyo kiatu ni fake”..

I walk away sadly,leaving the savvy prof with his knock off chukies….so ladies and getlemen,how do you tell if your chuk taylors are fake or no??

Here is my How to spot fake Converse All Stars for dummies guide:

1.) The price: Like seriously,if someone is selling you chukies @ 2k,na ana claim ni mbichi,then my guess is:….THEY ARE MADE IN CHINA

2.)The converse shoe logo:the original logo is pretty clear and it has a star,the fake ones are dim and weird writings on it

3.)The Tongue:the tongue is that piece of cloth under the laces,In real chukies it should have the all stars logo written clearly

4.)The sole:The sole is basically the foundation of the shoe,chukies have real rubber soles,with an indentation at the threads of the shoes

5.)The inner sole: how can you not love the feel of the original chuks interior,wearing real chukies gives you a foot orgasm of sorts,any who….the inner soles have the logo inscribed in bold color

6.) The front of the shoe: the real converse front has a line doning the color,tha leaves room for a glance of the white front part..something like this

Finally  the original chukies come in a box,not a black paper bag………

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2011 in kenyan clones, Reflections, true stories

 

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