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Listen up all yee non coding Believers.

OK fine, hii mwaka inaonekana si mbaya, code wise actually… si ati am saying i haven’t gotten any runtime errors or fatal warnings, kwanza jana i had buffer overflows zingine crazy…but just generally. I feel my coding has kinda matured. Let me paint a picture for you: In first year while doing Calculus 2 I had this lecture who was  quite un orthodox, after he had finished teaching all 5 methods of integration he introduced a 6th one :Integration by looking at, this is what he said… in math there comes a time when you just look at a function and figure out how its integrated. This seemed quite the academic fit for my then young mind but a couple of Calculus and ODE lessons later i had gained the mastery, the mastery to stand up to smothing like PDE and not fall into fits of shock….

Back to the present,well code is no different from that integration class of mine, once upon a time you are doing hello world code… then taking baby steps to understand how the core functions work… till you get to a place where you have amassed  code skills and a library that you have created, that you understand and that you apply often in you coding  endevours. You reach a place where you look at code and know whats happening,how to optimize to reduce consumption on vital resources and most importantly how an exploit would be carried out if need to  ever arose and how to prevent said exploit.

Then you grow up a network of people who think,talk and pretty much have obsession for code like you.Anonymous and lulz sec  did IRC but us mere mortals just hang out on twitter or the *ihub,or at whatever place has good wi fi connection and just kick it. People start associating you with certain terms, just as you would idenfiy a guy like Alykhan Satchu with  IPO people now identify with PHP,JSP,java… that kinda thing.

your ka blog is  now getting kitu 320 hits a day with readers showing interst hapa na pale,you are being followed by a sizable number of people pia on twitter…At least wasee wanakuelewa…….. till one day someone has the BALLS to ask a dumb question like “Jaymo kama wewe ni mnoma Android mbona hukushinda Afrinolly last year kwa Google challenge,mbona hukushinda MsemaKweli last year kwa App circus….” the same guy goes on to rant “…. what do you have to show for all that code talk?”

Well hapo ndipo the Merian blood in me starts boiling up and i may decide to go all wordy on you and probably give you   abit of tongue whoop ass. But to what avail… to have you read it back from what ever location you are and you would be like”silikuambia…” Hell no Jaymo is bigger than that.

I have great  mentors in my coding life,mentors who will tell you that as soon as you make that prize money, hed to coasto and do tequilla on the white sand, you will be digging a coding grave for yourself because some kid will be on his HP coding while you sucking tities in lambada….is that the reason why i dont do coding competitions, well not exactly, id rather do a whole week of coding for a client, present excellent workmanship after its all said and done… watch the client awe in amazment, that look of gratitude in his face is orgasmic… then walk away with say X amount, knowing that the client will most likely give me a referal to someone else and someone else,na polepole jaymo ata pata dough.. than just winning a compe, getting the media and online coverage that will see you think umefika, ukuwe relaxed, pole pole ukuwe lazy. then mwisho mwisho you  fall out.

Personally id rather put in work on an idea i feel will earn me long term mulla than short term fame, a project that will change and impact the lives of people than an app that will probably not even make it to the mainstream market.Kenya is currently ripe.. Gava imeanza kufanya kazi, Bitange Ndemo is doing his thing,mpaka telecos flani hapo imeacha utiaji na ina allow coders to do their thing uliza Iddsalim…

What am trying to say is i got my thing going on… i don’t wake up in the morning and start typing lines of code for nothing…natafuta hella mwanangu and the best way i know how to is the one am currently doing… so coding fests in 2012 are a huge NO but ukiskia client anadai coding work halla at you boy.

 

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2012 in code, JKUAT, Reflections, true stories, twitter

 

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Google Interview:

Before we go ahead,this is not a post about the Infamous Google interview,neither is it about me being called for one,rather its about the latest craze…applying for an x or y position at Google.

Its got techies shitting in their pants”umeskia flani wa flani ameitwa interview na Google”,Then you start developing a fever or a mild rash…reality hits you that you are still stuck in your shitty job,doing crap you don’t even like for little or no pay at all,while flani wa flani may end up at Google….

My take on the whole thing:Its a load of boo-lox,seriously plain old Boo-lox

“Jaymo wacha machungu,sasa ju hujawai itwa ata moja ndo unakuwa sour grape?” quite the contray….allow me to expound:

Here is what happens most of the time:You fall in love with computers at a  young age,along the way you enroll to some college/campus and take up a certain field in computing…first semester you ace your C exams,uv even coded a program that allows tweeps to pay theoretically check their bank account balance<lame>

2nd year hapo you can read source code like you are  deciphering Egyptian hieroglyphics,you develop a following in college

“Waaa, hujaskia vile flani wa flani ameiva code,naskia mpaka anataka kutoa Linux Distro yake” <as if>….You are good,exam zote una ace…kidogo ufanywe rep wa comp lab <some even do>ju half the time kama you are not at some hot spot in colle sourcing for wi-fi then uko huko,ka ethernet

Data structures and algorithms,uli ace mbaya,mpaka ma lecturer wana shuku una copy ju ulipata *cram* kila kitu…transcript ina Alphabet moja A….toka 1st year mpaka saa hii.

Kidogo kidogo una anza kuenda *ihub,una kuwa mabeste na macoder,unaskia ma idea zao,you take a glance at this and that source code,unafunzwa ku code behind an API<na unajiskia Linus trovalds flani> some times if you are lucky the ask you something,una rudi home ume steady ju vile umebambika.

Next sem,wasee hawawezi kushow any,wewe ndo kusema…On most nights you get laid ka twice hivi,ma groupie wako ni wengi excess…ukienda mess unaona wasee waki point

“Ni ule msee nilikuwa nakushow,ule coder mwendaaa”…

Ka 4th year project una ace,then along the road someone tells you about Google…kidogo unjoti….Una froth kiasi una anza kuona ma halusinations za wewe na Larry Page mkikunywa exotic coffee pamoja,discussing the next big project ya Google.

Mara hiyo hiyo,ka CV kanaundwa,kana uploadiwa kwa repository yao…fingers crossed una omba waku call.

Couple of days,your ka phone rings….weird number…you pick…its Google…they ask one or two things,thank you for your interest,and an Interview date is set….

Nyga,hushikiki..unaenda home<ata  hupandi mat,leo ni cab>,unashow significant other(s) wako…mpaka una mangana dry<kwani ata ukipata/peana ball Google itakuwa ina ku pay vipoa,no biggie>…una download tu ebooks twako,algorithms una anza…..heap-sort, merge-sort, Dijkstra’s Algorithm, TSP, Graphs etc, una polish up.

Una polish languages,ka C,C++,ka python,java….uko set…..siku ina fika,simu ina lia,una do your thing….buda yaani una spit code ka holy scripture….Uko sure uko ndani….

A couple of days later,Interview 2,sasa ni ku fyam,unaset up Google docs,una ambiwa u code……!!!!!!!Lights out for you Nyga…the moment of reconing…HUWEZI DO SHYT….kumbe uv been a dud,a copy paster,a script Kiddie..just keyboarding……Google can smell fake a mile away….

Unarudi home…izaa buda,dame wako haja Roll this month,uko facked,utalea mtoto,na Google haitakusaidia <labda kuchagua jina>

Naskia umehamia bing,G just facked you up.

That’s why if I get anyone else telling me to apply,amo stab someone….dont get me wrong am not throwing subliminal blows at anyone…Its just how it happens,najua kuna watu zaidi 7 wameapply and failed to get in…and they all exhibit the above traits<save for the kumangana dry>Hiyo ni chuki tu yangu

If you ask me,kwanza anzia mahali,get experience in a certain field,create a niche for your self,usijisell na transcripts..let your work<proofs of concept> sell you,Code vismart kwanza…

It’s one thing to be able to code to an API or install an OS from a CD. But, to really understand, on a system level, everything that’s happening in the background to make all the “magic” possible is a different level altogether.Its one thing to code on your own for nearly a month on a project you think will get you that break,but its another thing to code under the pressure of deadlines,coding where uki mess una fack up watu wengi

Uki code vibaya,alafu I go online and serch for my usual exotic asian porn,alafu iniletee Midget porn,huoni hapo umeni screw???To avoide that learn kwanza,do the dirty work/code…I said code….si read and cram code…

Ndo enyewe the next time its Google looking for you and not vive varsa

If i offended any readers,izaa someone had to say it…if una ball ya msee alikushow ameitwa interview Google,lea…lakini mwambie a re strategise…

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2011 in 254, code, INTERNSHIP, Reflections, true stories

 

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#My5Links: My Five Links.

If “Any blogger reading this is tagged!” qualifies as an actual tag,then I can say I was tagged by SAVVY KENYA,on this post>>.So here goes:

1.My most popular post:My Beef with Kenyan Campo System.

I kinda expected this one to be popular,coz of all the subliminal blows to the university system I  threw.

The follow up,the acknowledgment,the  insultes stupides<stupid insults> and someone listening

2.Post that didn’t get the attention it deserved:Blue Mountain State:My list of Campus Donts

I never quite got why people didnt find this post all that intersting,labda sukari yangu ni chumvi ya mwingine

3.Post whose success surprised me: @campmulla

I blogged about campmulla,and they contacted me,they even went ahead to reblog my post on their blog.

How cool is that!!!!!

4.My most controversial post: #Zegz Addict

Without a doubt it would have to be a post about a certain Nympho called Galis,Nilikemewa mpaka nika toa some content i had paraphrased

5.Post I’m most proud of:  How to spot fake Converse All Stars.

I know people may write about the plight In Turkana and label it their proudest post,but mine is about converse shoes<not that am not concerned with the plight>

a.)Because I get nearly 200 searches a day on how to spot fake converse shoes

b.)Believe it or not Converse shop gave me a big up(wish it came with a coupon)

and c.)I love me a pair of converse shoes

Viola my 5 links,I hereby tag:

Ictumwet.

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2011 in 254, MEMORIES., true stories, twitter

 

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Someone finally listened.

You may/may not remember a blog post i wrote a couple of months ago about my beef with the Kenyan campo system,if not click here>>>.Any who after screaming my lungs out to anyone who would offer an ear, arguing with @savvykenya about proxy servers and generally sending smoke signals so that the folks at JKUAT could get a hint,I finally found some one who shared the same school of thot with me,a certain chairman of department at JKUAT,ok maybe not all but what really matters is that he listened,he was impressed with this snippet from this blog:

………… With this in mind what do i have to say:change the whole system..do a bottom to top overhaul…change the course content,run expos,create Incubation labs..take JKUAT for example..create jkuatlab..a place for students to develop software,mobile apps,internet apps.Get a mentor ship program..give incentives(you will be surprised how something as little as 20k will get guys coding)Reward effort.stop rewarding guys who cram course content with first class honors,and lowers to guys who had more prowess in practical aspects of CS but never got a practical exam given to them…yet they can code even a whole operating system given the opportunity.…………….

So after an almost 3 hour long chat on this and that  i was given the opportunity to put my idea in writing and submit it to him by today(July 26th 2011).No promises of my proposal being adopted into the system  were made but he was really impressed.

So I  got all creative,took a shot of Viceroy and started writing,I have an Idea(among others) of a coding competition,a pitting of the titans if you may,coding for web 2.0,mobile apps and N-tier application  design…the ultimate goal,adoption by the school of well crafted apps,and to make things juicier a cash reward for the best projects.

The coding would keenly be followed by mentors(of their own choosing) who would advice the participants through out  the said coding period(1 month). But the mentors themselves would not be actually involved in the actual coding,so kama una thani utaleta iddsalim,iza bro.

To actualize this the school would have to avail resources (internet access,books ) and the actual prize money(si thani ni mita moja so punguza nyege).The judging would commence after the said one month has elapsed and the ultimate winners rewarded.

That being said,i know this is not the best idea out there but this is what i currently have in mind to foster tech development,so dear readers,fellow jkuat students,jkuat alumni,techies and what not please feel free to offer ideas that would foster thinkers,developers and innovators in the IT field,Instaed of guys who just waste bandwidth downloading midget porn.

I will post the proposal Tomorrow officially on my paste bin <here>

Tafakari hayo.

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2011 in 254, INTERNSHIP, true stories, twitter, weekend

 

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What I want #truethots

. I  had a close someone ask me “Jaymo,na wewe ju tumejuana na wewe miaka hiyo yote na unashindanga story za comps,what do you want in life,sijawai jua?”.This got  me thinking,and yall know anything that raises my pulse rate is was worth tweeting or blogging about

what do I want: I want to develop for Android,mimi ata mkiniambia Symbian oooh,s60 oooh,sijali,Android just does it for me,Najua techies will read this and hit me with statistics about how symbian be the ishh…to which i will reply with Kenyan Demographics about android growth<hence target market>.I ditched Statistics as my Math Major in campo but it doenst take MGF , CDF or test of Hypothesis to know that’s where to head.Hence I have amuad my final year project will be an Android app. code named =>Tafuta<=

Am a man of modesty and realism marrying to give birth to aka jaymo,hence cash isn’t on my check list.Not coz i got a huge trust fund stacked away in some Cayman Island account but because the way to really learn something is to do it practically,and when something has to be done practically it requires mulla.

Enter free services,unless you got connect from here to silicon Valley am betting you can’t have it all,you cant have access to an OTA server at safaricom,an ISA server at campo,code snippets from Google labs..so how do you get a piece of the action..for me this is how:

“Jaymo,cooperative Bank ina install SBS, mpya,so tunaenda ku upgrade network yao,unaona aje,siukuje!!!” obvoiusly half of yall would be out the door by the end of the conversation,here is the catch “Na by the way jaymo hatukulipi,utatu help for free”….hapo ndipo passion ina kick in..its not every day you get a sneak peak into high level clearance areas,then again hawa wasee wanalipwa major chedda na hawakulipi…but Jaymo will be there,atakama i have to take a camel ride,i will be there to learn…mlipe, msilipe.

I hear the critics talking,”Jaymo hiyo ni ufala,utatumiwa the udumpiwe”.True it happened to a pal of mine once,nyga used to work for company X <name withheld>,got excellent exposure,his was accounting,till the next best thing came along,he was prematurely retired,only thing to show for working there was a recommendation letter-or so we thought- six months later,he was still broke,not a jobo in sight..but Karma has its way..through a cruel twist of fate his ex boss died<ule wa company X>,and he got the call to replace him,having been his under study..couple of months later we were indulging in frothy delight on his tab.

I know if i fukuza that chedda now,this is what i will be rocking nikienda rave Langata,froth on me and what not

But cash brings along with it some sense of comfort,relaxation if you may,and that results into laziness,I will  be stuck with the same skill set,while newbies will be uping there game at my expense..couple of years later  jaymo will be rendered redundant na ntarudi kuishi na mum..so free work it is till i make my niche in whatever field i choose.

While we at what I want:I wouldn’t mind me a freaky chic,with curly black  hair and a tattoo that reads ‘rebel without a cause’ on her  boob  and who loves to stay in bed all day with me,doing the nasty 🙂 🙂  nasty :-). but i guess that can wait

May the force be with you,nimerudi server room.

 
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Posted by on July 12, 2011 in INTERNSHIP, Reflections, true stories

 

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#Twitter addiction.

It has become almost a routine,for lack of a better word ill call myself an addict…..a typical textbook addict…withdrawal symptoms kinda addict.No folks am not pulling one of those Galis stories on you,far from it,am talking about a certain Morning ritual I have become addicted to.Ill give you a hint,it involves…Dante,Chebet,Nelz and Ynair…..still no guess,ok then let me divulge,Twitter,,,,,yes folks every morning we tweet,just the 5 of us,about nothing,about everything…

twitter addict

SS<social sites> aren’t exactly my kinda thing,i did try my hand at a couple of them,there was Migg33 back in high school,when everyone thot being a migg merchant was the way to go<don’t even get me started on the poor internet speed back then>,that wave passed,next Facebook which i kinda maintained till date but was never the avid fecebooker…next 2go,sucked at that to<blame sony erricson> all this while paying no attention to my twitter account.

Until i landed on Gravity…

gravity

sasa jaymo Gravity ni nini??sawa basi wacha ni explain,after my sony erricson was repossessed by thugs,i had to downgrade to a nokia symbian s60 phone.so one day a checking out twitter apps and landed on the mother of all apps Gravity.

gravity

What really kunywad me with this twitter client was the Timeline.Gravity has the best timeline ever…no wonder you cant get a full version for free download.so began my addiction with twitter, i began following guys i knew @ctumwet @ombuna@snellima guys i had just met once@iddsalim @savvykenya guys who blogged@archer @bikozulu  tech guys@kachwaya@ihub

So the morning ritual was born:Here is what happens most of the time,I always tweet earliest coz am at the office by 7.30am

@ombuna@snellima@ctumwet@ynair morning yall

That’s usually the first thing even before my eclipse is fired up for the days coding session.Minutes later Dante usually replies @aka_jaymo@ynair@ctumwet@snellima morning.

I then shift from gravity to web..and the days coversating can begin.This twitter list is really funny.

@ctumwet nicknamed dame wa kitenge coz she posted pics of her ‘homemade kitenge’ on her blog<ok snellima was the culprit behind that joke> But av never laghed harder.

@ctumwet's Kitenge

Here is a quote from her bog:Soooo…mad excitement!!! Wondering why I’ve been away from the blog for like three days not saying about the little things that I’ve been allowed to by the Almighty?? A DRESS!! It is a dress the has kept me away from the blog for like three days not saying about the little things that I’ve been allowed to by the Almighty!!!

Then there is @ombuna,not alot to say bout him except he is the emotional one,@ynair recomended i bring him flowers coz he needs some sunshine in his life,between him telling me how he has just been busted growing weed by his dad,and me and him exchanging verbal insults about dubing exams in JKUAT…he   fun lakini<dont let him hear I said that> Lakini dante next sem hakuna ku chew ovyo ovyo!!

@snellima,I call her mellisa,chebet calls her nelz,ynair had a new one this week nazi..she the alumni of the group,having finished campo months ago,graduating this month I guess.Nelz is the mchokozi of the group,She the one who comes up with weird topics of discussion,Juzi they were talking bout mtu wa KBC…only god knows who that is.

@ynair…she introduced the classic line “the tribe has spoken”,a finality in most conversations,ynair always has my  back when i diss dante,mpaka akamwabia ampatie tissues to wipe the tears when dante was getting all emotional.

@aka_jaymo…the blogger.The one who beefs with dante,shares jokes with ynair,used to drink with snellima and blogs with chebet and now is addicted to twitter

So every morning before @alychansatchu starts tweeting you know where you can find me

ps.Follow me <here>

Back to the Server room!!

 
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Posted by on July 9, 2011 in 254, Reflections, true stories, twitter

 

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Frothy Indulgence @Nakuru.

Naxs Babie!!! yes folks,i was in Nakuru for the last 2 days,ok maybe 1 day and a half…but bwoy was it fun…so allow me to narrate my naxs experience,i will add an ounce of creativity on this post by framing it as a letter,a letter to my boy Prankster aka Marto,who decided to deactivate his facebook account and loose his phone so that I cant derail him no more(f*** you for that son)..so here goes

Dear Prankster;

I begin with an insult, just like I always do ,wewe ni mbwa sana,story ya kukataa kwenda Lewa ilinibore adding insult to injury uka go a  notch higher by missing out on Naxs .Any who i know you had your reasons, jobo maybe so wacha nikushow what cut.

So me, Bob aka Emanu and RitchieRich, endad naxs for Nelson’s pass out. You remember Nelson, my boy from FTC Para Military, am guesn emanu and ritchierich be strangers,but ni maboy flani wa me I.Fikad naxs kitu 3 pm hivi and yes you can guess what I did first,called Ka binti (readers may remember her from this post)

“Sap chic, am in Nakuru, where you at”…She was kind of busy so acquaintance was promised on the next day. Great. Next call the man of the day

“Buda,IZ how,ndo nimefika..sioni ka ntafika FTC Lanet,si we can hook up in tao,do some frothy reunion?”

“sawa boss nikifika tao nta ku halla”.So me and the boys decide to hit some local, down a couple to pass tyme, RitchieRich decides to halla @mavo his boy Interning in Nakuru ,am thinking the more the merry. So I also halla @bigwill, we all hook up nje ya tuskys. Am starved, need to get me some food.

So @ marvo pelekas us to some joint, bigwill being from naxs is suprised we know the ka mjoint..allow me to indulge you I cant remember the joints name, but here is what I will neva sahau, they serve the best chicken-cheapest rather- I have ever eaten this side of the Rift valley, and at what price…120, for a big ass piece of chicken breast. Add 10 bob to that amount (ka ugali) and you got youself a hearty meal…compliments to the chef!! I received the bill with shock

130 bob

I kula ile ya njaa,then it hits me cheap kuku+nakuru=flamingo scare….so I ita the waiter, evidently in awe.

“oya boss,hii nyama vile ni mingi hivi uko sure ni ya kuku au ni flamingo??” I could have sworn i saw a hint of pink on the meat “ni kuku,za huku ni kubwa hivi,hatuwezi uza flamingo”.everyone is looking at me @emanu @willi@ritchie@mavo. So i decide to kill the storo and eat in peace…Willi has to rash back to work so we excuse him.

Next stop El Locale…

Bar Tender @El Locale

Its not the name of the club, i just nicknamed it that..its not Mututho tyme yet so we are let in incognito,chini ya maji yaani (I hope the pow pow aint reading this).Am a tusker fan,so me orders some froth and head to some fancy couch at the end..1-2-3-4 bottles later,am now psyched energizer bunny aint got nathing on me ,kina ritchie are doing shots at the counter…naaa not my style…5-6 bottles…some naxs mamas  walk in…naa not my style either.Mavo walks in,he has just brought some chic also here  for the pass out…

I didn’t get her name but forgetting her is hard..she had this long dreadlocks,the swag of a college kid and the demeanor of a peddler(pun intended).I head to  the counter,exchange pleasantries,one or two jokes to kill the tension..we do shots with lime,much to my cringe..am guessing she felt comfortable to ask me this

“do you smoke ****” I couldn’t get what she was saying clearly,the music muffled her speech”Nauliza,do you smoke WEED??” I got that loud and clear..i turn towards her,spliff in hand,In reply “Used to,but av since quit…” “pussy” she snaps at me,leaves the elLocale with the rest..back in 20mins singing redeption song like freed slaves.

Marvo and miss locks

The time 8.45pm,the mood exstatic,the crowd rowdy….the phone rings,caller ID Nelson..”mko wapi,me niko barclays,come pick me” I look @emmanu,ame chew kwa counter-(@ emmanu,najua utakataa,but najua ulikuwa umechew).So me and ritchie go pick up Nelson from Barclays

Emotional reunion,I swear i culda cried,the millitary has made him skiny,but he aint complaining,so why should i?Back to the ride,El Locale here we are….

Shouts,screams and  name calling later we decide to go to Taidys..i here it happens there,plus our kamjoint is getting rather claustrophobic if you get my drift.More boti’s of froth,ka vicerory on the side.Stories are being exchanged,threats issued to emmanu for being the chew master he is (I here at law school they call him CMB-chew master bob).He chews none the less,we leave him at the balcony to sober up…while the big boys drink on…

He sobers at around 2am..and they decide to tour the streets of Naxs—–major mistake——

The call:”buda,tuko cell,tumeshikwa” Caller ID:Ritchie, i laugh it off,drunk bastards I assume,Second call “huamini,tumeshikwa,ni kunoma”.Its past 3am,i conclude if there is anything  i can do it will have to wait till morning…(Me and the OCS aint fam na hatujuani).3.30 am they stager back in.

The almighty must really love this boys coz here they are,its like they had a  monopoly ‘get out of jail card’…They narrate the ordeal,we shrag it off,after all they safe,right?

Froth is in abudance…Taidys is closing..off to the next joint…we gully creep our way out in stealth,the pow pow maybe larking around..try silencing around 20 guys,all high as fack,major nyef nyef i tells you.

Me,Nelson,Emmanu and Ritchie head to some joint called ribbons..do kidogo froth and call it a nyt.Board at some   cheap ass place….

7.00am Nelson wakes me up,he has to report to gilgil,he has been stationed there before his pass..so he leaves…i see him off.back in like 20 mins thats when i realize Ritchie slept on the floor.. I laugh it off and offer him a bed..

RitchieRich asleep on the floor

8.30,we are woken up,its not room service,this aint the Hilton,its the cleaning guy

“Tokeni,masaa yenu imeisha,toka toka!!!!”I Manage a quick shower,slip on my converse and walk down stairs,the i see this funny sign..and decide it qualifys  as a Kodak moment

black forest 40 uji 30

I call up my lil lady(@ka binti),and kumbusha her av nt left,we head to the Kuku ya 120 joint,i do pilau and chicken..am hungry,i guess booze does that to one.Ritchie gets an Eureka moment,he wants to toa locks with a couple shots of Vice.I decline the offer,in my defence am hooking up with Ka Binti and she doesnt like me drunk(am a sucka like that i know)

She calls at around 10,we hook up for breako at Maigos(she does rather,am stuffed) we Exchange stories about this and that,programing at Finlay’s,how the fellas were nicked by the cops…She thinks i have cwazy friends…we both take our turn at dissing marto for his particular absence…

She looks great,cant help but oogle,she notices,blushes at my compliments…bob and ritchie are not amused by my Romeo an juliet shyt..They insist on going home, am faused to agree…raundi mwenda tao later we head off.

Naxs in the rear view mirror, ukooflani playing….I bead my goodbyes…And call it a rave.

So prankster, that’s what you missed, at least I filled you in on  what transpired, now you know what you missed out on.

In sobriety and froth,

AkaJaymo

 
 

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@LEWA marathon

So the boss at work is trying to create conversation with me,”sato you guy, you were wasted yaani”

I dread this social banter with the guy buttering my bread, so in retort I mumble “what happened in lewa stayed in lewa “He laughs it away then drops some humor “except syphilis, that shyt will follow you home”. We laugh it off and mind our business

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I had a great weekend, far away from civilization, far from the flashing lights…I was at the Lewa marathon evening bash….Now  for those of you who might not have been in the loop, here is what  the lewa marathon is all about

Apparently prince William and the wifey stayed here right before they got hitched, William having proposed to her, at the slopes of mount Kenya, that’s not all that makes Lewa so magical, it’s the only marathon I know where guys run side by side with the animals, yes  folks there are no physical barriers separating the runners from the wildlife.

So Friday evening the guys at work @Mary @ Mashaa  @Nora came over to my workstation ,evidently psyched” you guy, si we go to lewa kesho, the company is footing the bills.”Truth be told I was already going,but I was going with the guys at Toyota Catalogue @rkoech,but the idea of not spending a dime was enticing ,”Kampuni inalipa??then am down with it”

So sato around 12pm we all hooked up in tao,the chicks looking sexy as ever @Mary @Betty the dudes already drunk.I remembered a couple of years ago Raymond Chepkwony blogged about how tusker should sponser the marathon coz at the end of the day guys still get drunk,why not make some money off it,any who  we drive off to lewa,crack a four pack of tusker and we off…..

Nanyuki was our fast stop; I love Nanyuki, best town after Nairobi and Mombasa for me, one of the only towns  this side of the equator where you can go with a million bucks and end up broke after raving and indulging in one to many extra curricula affairs.The meat at this place is equally great…and the cheap tusker from AFCO (85 bob) just seals the deal. So frothy delight and nyama later you can guess what happened next…we was high as fack, I mean ile high mpaka tukasahau kwenye tunaenda…(15 bottles o tusker will do that to you).My boy from the Army @wig_z thought we should just rave at Nanyuki and call it a weekend but we weren’t driving all this way just to rave in nanyuki

We somehow managed to drive off to Lewa some minutes past 6,I mean hakukuwa na haraka,its not like we were running or anything.The chics at the back were screaming…I guess alcohol + estrogen=heightened emotion.I dozed of next thing I remember “nyga amka,wamekataa ku allow wasee ndani”

It didn’t hit me there and then,I was still recovering from the effects of the booze,I could smell  samosas in the car,that is what I was more concerned with right now…then It sunk in and I amkad”ati ,hakuna kuingia”…I alighted to,my utter shock there was a line of cars from here to Timbuktu, and the line wasn’t easing,far from it,ilikuwa inarefuka.

waiting outside the gate.

We walked towards the gate,crowd behind, ongeada with the gate jamaa.Dude was the rudest nyga I eva met

”unafikiria watu wanaingianga lewa ovyo ovyo saa zile wanataka?Sonko amesema hakuna kuingia unless wewe ni official!”

Guys started hauling insults,some Indian guys were dishing theirs in Gujarati.Some chic was trying to seduce her way in…”mschana ebu niondokee kabla nikuje hapo”

I was bored,took my phone out decided to tweet @bcollymore cc @lewaconservacy. None of them replied(must have been offline or something)

Back to the  car, poped the trunk, took out a six pack of Heineken(courtesy of @mashaa) and decided to drown my  misery in booze..Betty joined me(I luv me a chic who can handle her booze) Mary was bongaing with some guys.Enoch was trying to pull diplomacy at the gate(evidently not working)

@mary and @betty

Then I remembered @iddsalim was from Isiolo so I decided to tweet him, he replied a couple of minutes later(probably coding)The management at Lewa must have felt we were trying to steal the rhinos or antelopes coz a few minutes later the pow pow were here.

‘’Kila mtu aingie kwa gari,na mzime hiyo kelele”…try telling that to over a hundred drunk guys blasting music from their cars…so the 5-0 realizing no one was paying much attention,decided to cock their guns ndo tukajua they mean business.I was pissed,drive all this way just to be frozen at the gate.There had to be something we could do.

Luckily Mary has a brother working  at lewa so we were let in(helps to juana in Kenya) much to the anger of the other guys…the ride from the gate was anything but comfortable…the road is basically impassible…the dust unbearable but somehow we managed to fika the campsite bone fire.

The crowd there was unbelievable, the guys at Toyota Catalogue were already there, so were guys from work(basically tulikuwa wa mwisho kufika) The music was great…Nyamachoma was in plenty…so I found my way to where the Finlay’s guys were…..grabbed a tusker…and called it a rave.

Next thing it was morning, and we were having breakfast at Meru,I was covered in dust top to bottom  but so were 30 something other guys….mtajua aje tulikuwa lewa. After breako tukatoa locks at some joint in Meru Grabbed a couple of Tuskers and drove back home.

So here I am Monday morning, splitting migraine to keep me company, Trying to get work done coz kesho am back to the road again, this time to Nakuru.Lanet to be presise, my lil brother @nelson_n passing out from the military academy. He a 1st lieutenant now, that means crazy drinking kesho…I’ll blog about that on Thursday

Ps. I hear the guys we left at the gate were finally let in around 12am after they vowed not to leave (patience pays au)

 
 

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How to spot fake Converse All Stars.

So  I finally stopped listening to Mr.Rager(kid cudi),after I had it on loop all weekend,and decided to do something constructive..go shopping for new chuck Taylor’s

Any one who knows me will admit am a sucka for converse high tops…

In my opinion converse makes the best shoes…You don’t believe me, then you Google up converse(ata wewe nakupea kazi). Any who I go check out this killer chukies @ t-mall,best shoes I ever laid my eyes on…

Price range be kinda high,you know a struggling coder doesn’t have that kind of cash lying around,so I call up the guy I know can get me anything Prof.

Most of my readers know prof,the savvy business man who can sell you anything from a blackberry to a wheelbarrow.

so here is how the conversation went down

“sema prof..nadai converse mbichi,red checked,unaweza ni hook up nazo?”

Prof being the biz guru doesn’t refuse to sell you anything under the sun,i once heard he tried selling a phone to Mabel Imbuga (JKUAT vc)..so here is what prof said

“sawa jaymo,lakini ubaya wako siku hizi unaniangushanga,kwanza ile xperia ulidai aje….niko na zingine mbili,karatasi”

so I interject “buda xperia niliwai,nadai hizo njumu tu! utafanya au?” Sensing my anxiety “sawa jaymo nipatie 4 hours ntakupigia”

converse-all-star

so I end the call,rush to kina Anto’s for xbox flossing(gears of war)..4 hours later he calls “Jaymo tupatane tao,nimezipata”

Off to tao,heart pounding in my chest,nearly got run over by a truck…I think I must have bumped into a lady with a baby on her back(sorry lady)..met prof the guru..black paper bag in hand….”ebu nizione” I mumble in anxiety….he puts his hand in the paper bag,time nearly stood still…..chuks out the chuks…..

KNOCK OFFS!!!!damn they aint real chukies,so i start bad mothing him”prof unanibeba aje hvyo mtu wangu,hizi viatu ni chinese,me nilikuwa nataka origi,zile ‘zimeanguka’ toka gari ya converse”

So prof gets irritated,am making him look bad,am tarnishing his image as a ‘clean’ business man,the kind dealing in chukies straight from America.He retorts “sasa hununui au?” “ntanunua aje vitu fake” “ubaya wako jaymo ni maringo,hi kiatu ni origi kwanza nakuuzia 3K pekee,kiatu utaishii nayo” “iza boss,hiyo kiatu ni fake”..

I walk away sadly,leaving the savvy prof with his knock off chukies….so ladies and getlemen,how do you tell if your chuk taylors are fake or no??

Here is my How to spot fake Converse All Stars for dummies guide:

1.) The price: Like seriously,if someone is selling you chukies @ 2k,na ana claim ni mbichi,then my guess is:….THEY ARE MADE IN CHINA

2.)The converse shoe logo:the original logo is pretty clear and it has a star,the fake ones are dim and weird writings on it

3.)The Tongue:the tongue is that piece of cloth under the laces,In real chukies it should have the all stars logo written clearly

4.)The sole:The sole is basically the foundation of the shoe,chukies have real rubber soles,with an indentation at the threads of the shoes

5.)The inner sole: how can you not love the feel of the original chuks interior,wearing real chukies gives you a foot orgasm of sorts,any who….the inner soles have the logo inscribed in bold color

6.) The front of the shoe: the real converse front has a line doning the color,tha leaves room for a glance of the white front part..something like this

Finally  the original chukies come in a box,not a black paper bag………

 
60 Comments

Posted by on June 20, 2011 in kenyan clones, Reflections, true stories

 

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My Beef with Kenyan Campo System.

‘Today am going to blog my heart out’…this are the words i told @martoG and @nora this morning on twitter.am not going to rant about this and that but i will talk about something real,straight up real.

My topic for today is  ICT….why am i blogging about this, well a pal of mine told me something that really hit the spot.He told me  doing what you  like is freedom,liking what you do is happiness.There are two things i totally like,programming and getting high…well you all know about my fits of alcoholic indigence(after shedding light way too many times)…so lets talk about programming,and ICT for that matter.Don’t worry am not dishing out snippets of code(though I wish I could)

import javax.swing.*

This is what i know so far,Kenya has an abundance of brilliance,be it the guy who comes up with ZAWADI 2929 promos,or one of those guys running sms campaigns….to even the most trivial of things like how during the beat(NTV ) they pit two musicians against one another,and ask you to sms the dope one,yet somehow you always loose and its evident your guy is better.Like this one time they had Jay Z and Drake…Jay lost,so i got to texting and it hit me…’jaymo hawa wasee wana do hivi deliberately ndo uskie vizii u text’… i mean that’s brilliance,stealing you mulla right under you.

But do they float ideas of that nature around in campo.Ideas that you can apply i real life to earn you chedda should you kosa a white collar job at Google…hells no,the only thing computer wise that guys leave campo having mastered is:

1.)How to download  movies.I swear i have this pal(not mentioning names) who can hook  you up with any series,movie,bootlegged software as soon as yesterday.Guys in campo know torrentz like their mamas name,mediafire is like breakfast,mega upload dinner.

Dont get it twisted  unless you are selling the movies(piracy which will land your ass in jail) then you just bullshitting,wasting internet resources.

2.)Web proxies, ‘aiii mazee wameblock facebook’ does this sound familiar,then some guy gets an Eureka moment…’wacha nikushow’…types something on the address bar an hey presto….facebook in all its glory.That is a proxy server.In campo you can get proxy’s for facebook,twitter,youtube…anything

3.)Computer Games,jaymo dont go there….. I have to….am telling you i have another pal,played Gears Of War  for 4 days straight,missed cats and nearly went blind….okay going blind is an exaggeration..but he got blood shot eyes….ata sita bonga.

4.)Software piracy aka Cracking….dude my copy of windows just expired,my office 07 just expired..no problemo,some computer guy will patch it for you,or toy with the registry and viola..full version

Those are 4 of the things any IT,CS,CT ,MAC  guy can pull off without breaking off a sweat.Now once you are  asked to pull off something as trivial as collating a database on a  server ..?????? clueless. Then to make matters worse you chuk you phone and Google away ‘how to collate a database’

Then to make matters worse unazusha ukinyimwa job…”ati naomba serikali itafutie vijana job wenye wametoka campo”Dude like wtf….

Jaymo aint blaming the students in this faculties,am blaming the campo itself,yes jaymo is going to throw subliminal blows at Universities.Av always said my favorite campo is Strathmore…am ironically not  a student there but i have to give credit  where credit is due.Strath offers relevant material to your course,21st century shyt…kuja JKUAT u shangaee…u being taught FORTRAN at third  year…dude you teaching me FORTRAN in 2011!!! and you expect me to be relevant in the work place???And then you shamelessly preaching in class how campo should teach you to create jobs,not look for one.

I remember the first real job i got was at 3mice interactive,the guys there were trying to be little the newbies..so this guy(obviously a bully) walked up to my workstation and was like”jamaa iwant you to implement a Twitter API for a client we are working with…here is the site and other relevant material”I remember felling sorry for this guys we were working with,fine pia mini si ati nilikuwa najua ku create API,but at least i had a rough idea..hao wengine kwanza this dude who was on 2go the  whole day were clueless…do  i blame them,hells no,do i   blame 3mice for thinking we were up to the challenge,hell no either….do i blame the campo HELL YEAH.

coding

If the 3mice dude had asked one of us”naskia Nikita imetokea episode 20 naeza ipata wapi kwa net?”Then hapo angekuwa amazed,not only would he have gotten episode 20,but also a trailer of episode 21 to go along with it.

Now i know may schools of thought are of the opinion that input from the student should out way content delivered..as in pia studeee  ana faa kujisome.. i agree but without someone pointing the right direction what do you expect.

I have great respect for *ihub and mlab…for stratmore school expos,for guys like IddSalim. who fight  for what they want(Mpesa-API)…for guys like Randel at cisco systems.This are the guys who should run mentorship programs at campo,not the guys who cant even do a remote connection to solve a simple tweak error,yet insist on teaching you Java only  to abscorn the class for half the semester(Yes Mr.Felix..you suck at java,i learnt more from e books.)

copyright java &sun microsystems

With this in mind what do i have to say:change the whole system..do a bottom to top overhaul…change the course content,run expos,create Incubation labs..take JKUAT for example..create jkuatlab..a place for students to develop software,mobile apps,internet apps.Get a mentor ship program..give incentives(you will be surprised how something as little as 20k will get guys coding)Reward effort.stop rewarding guys who cram course content with first class honors,and lowers to guys who had more prowess in practical aspects of CS but never got a practical exam given to them…yet they can code even a whole operating system given the opportunity.

Get them to code in a lab with no book,or Google for help,and see how they fair,then reward accordingly.Failure to which campo will only produce guys who can crack IDM or download updates for Anti Virus Software’s

Tech companies in Kenya should stop outsourcing code to India.Companies like Google,Safaricom Equity  bank are working with local guys….this will help foster growth…angalau pia sisi ma programmer tuweze kuhamia Runda 🙂 tafakari hayo….

 
16 Comments

Posted by on June 15, 2011 in INTERNSHIP, Reflections, true stories

 

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