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JKUAT graduation. A letter to the fresha Jaymo

So he is finally graduating ….yes Jaymo is finally getting that piece of paper that will persuade mum that all the money she spent on me was not wasted. So as I was thinking of going for my Gown at Juja  a pal of mine asked me what I would tell the younger version of me if I could teleport back to 2008. back to when I was a freshman at JKUAT. Well after much pondering I came up with a list of the things I would tell first year Jaymo.

1.Campus will be over  before you know it,so have fun.I know it seems like all those Math lessons last forever but before you know it you will be doing your finals asking the crew when you will be having the last rave.You will have mad fun, you will get into trouble also…but the guys you call the crew will make campo rock the most. Marto,Pato,Ritchie,Mogaka,kush,mash and Brayo will have the weirdest plots.From kuchinja mbuzi 6.30 jioni just for the sake,to drinking Friday at 1pm till sato Morning(Photo finishing). You will get arrested by cops,take part in strikes,try and steal votes during JKUSO elections. Wake up to find Hookers in your room.Move into some of the best hostels in campo,get kicked out,become squatters do ratish and local brew kwa Pamela. The crew will be awesome. You and martin will get accusations of being drug dealers in school.That being said, don’t procrastinate in your studies (as hard as it is). Coz that will be your greatest vice. Skiving CATs and thinking to yourself ati utafanya make up next week is the largest lie that will mark your Academic life…You will make half of the math teachers hate you for this especially the Numerical Analysis CATs and Exam that you have never done to date.

2.Rave without guilt. I know you found yourself in a class full of math geeks who think the most fun thing to do is find the Integral of x in a 3D plane. Usijifause kwa hiyo crap. Enda frothy friday kama kawaa, nurse your hungie on Sato and back to class like in on Monday.Maths and comp class will have some of the smartest people you will ever find,some of the dumbest pia. Guys who will try and show they know better to win favor in the eyes of the Dawns,Guys who don’t know what unit they are in. Guys who will always  have time to teach you a thing or two in math (s/o to Kaunde I hear utakuwa lecturer soon..good work bro).Guys you will give your comp assigmnets/cats/exams to dub,Guys who will give you their math assigmnets/cats/exams to dub also. That’s Maths Comp  baabie… everyone will copy.

3.You will make 2 great friends in your class Marto and Stella. You will do  crazy stuff pamoja. you will get crazy marks in CATS (bot sides of the graph), you will get beef from people who don’t get the trinity. You will chew together in clubs,do the long mess lines kwa mess pigaing stories like crazy.Do pilau on Friday and ka Nyama weekend. Skive class to go swimming on a Wednesday .miss exam marks coz Stella forgot the email address (again) Diss all the exes you have/had,you will create something called the HAGUE..all the secrets you have about stuff will be held dear and you will promise to share kwa graduation square.( cant wait for that one.)

4.Weird Lectures. you will have those lecturers who will not like your guts, some will not understand how you can write code better than them (Felix the JAVA teacher) you will look at them debugging code and wonder WTF is difficult hapo. You will gradually shift away to your own zone. since Comp science will appear easy to you but people/lectures will think you are just a bragadosho kid. You will get a D in an exam because you answered all the questions right kwa Exam (fack you Data Structures Lec).Some will become close friends others will be people you run over with your Range Rover Vogue the day you buy one.They will teach advanced concepts in Comp science kwa  your  final year .a unit you will get an A despite never being seen in that class.Your final year project will be awesome. They will make several copies of it and put it kwa Lib ya campo…yes you will be immortalized.

5.You will make friends,you will make enemies also.The two exist together like ying and yang.But the worst thing will be when people you hold dear stub you in the back.Screw you in deals.That will hurt but you got to keep it real .I rest that on there.

6.Hug Mum more,she will always be the one to support you when everyone else will be giving you the eye.You will have your difficult times.She will find out that you drink but will not think much of it till you fack up stuff at around 2ND year.she will still pray for you and listen to you tell her about code. She will still insist that you get a hair cut coz she like you neat (its 2012 na bado alinikumbusha this morning), she will still insist you eat the first chapo she cooks,and pea you more nyama than your sisters.treasure that and be there for her during her hard times

7. Faii and Mercy your two lovely sisters will still treat you like a kid, take advantage of that (financially pia they will finance your pet projects). Don’t fight that, you will have crazy fun with them and  they will always have your back.You will end up at ihub coz of them…its a long story but they are the ones who will point you in that direction.

8.As you grow more to code people will use you.you will code stuff that you will think will land you that break you want.People will pay you little and lie to you that they will give you a bigger job next.Its  not to say you will not have your money moments.You will make mad paper and by 3rd year you will think dropping out of campo and starting Jamuhuri Tech is the smartest thing since you will have done your first 6 figure.But mum will sit you down and talk(I mean threaten you) into finishing campo.

9.You will meet a chic you will call kabinti after the song by Bamboo..she will have you smitten for most part of campo. You will write about  here>> . Don’t worry In your  final sem of campo things will take a rather unusual turn. You will meet a coder chic. She will tell you stuff about Picaso and van Gogh. She will look at you like the best coder in the world. She will read books about the Gulag, listen to Lupe Fiasco make you listen to Bob Marley for the first time in your life.You will understand alot with her and make her continue  blogging (she blogs here>>). All I can say,she will be the best thing in your life. So don’t fret fate will be good to you.

10. You will start a blog. this blog actually, to share what you think of life. to share your code stuff.People will read it. Some will not understand it, others will love it. You will write similar to Idd Salim and people will diss you for that (Salim himself will tell you that also). But Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and for that he will let it slide.You will meet great coders in Kenya, they will teach you alot you will also share alot with other coders. Some will steal your work, others will claim your work to be there’s. All this events will be immortalized  in this blog.This little blog of yours.

So in conclusion first year Jaymo… tomorrow I get my graduation gown, and call JKUAT my Alma-mater as of next week.You will do good things…actually great things..so I have confidence in you and that is all the older Jaymo has to say.

<peace/>

 
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Posted by on November 21, 2012 in JKUAT, MEMORIES., music, twitter

 

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Guest Post: UBAYA WA MAHACKATHONS NOWADAYS

Its been a while since I had a Guest Post on my Blog. So when a pal asked whether I could let her do one then you Know a bratha had to say Yes . So here it is {she blogs here if you are curious >>>>}

UBAYA WA MAHACKATHONS NOWADAYS

Been meaning to write this for a while and finally here goes. Ok Im not against competitions but seriously we need to rethink why and how we have these.

Napenda watu wa campo hio si issue but most of the time when you go for these things you will find majority of them there.  Si eti the other guys hawataki pesa but people be too grown for these (as in guys don’t just go for competitions just for the sake, watu wako busy wanacode “fa sustenance” si for pesa ya weekend. Lakini ka doo ni mob sawa). Most of the time you will get those who are on holidays, those who just cleared from school na wamecome kusocialize,  na wengine they just love the experience. Kuna wale huenda to make an extra buck and don’t think beyond the hackathon, then there is a fourth type of guys who have gone there with an intention of meeting the local Tech scene (if wazito watatokea), put what they know to test (coz they actually have initiative to teach themselves real code) and learn from the experienced people (they know there are guys better than them) so as to perhaps create networks for side husle jobs to build their skills.

Now we all know in campo unless you own a business or wewe ni husla you are usually broke so the sound of getting Ksh. Xk in a day sounds very exciting. Now it won’t matter if you actually have any skills or you are willing to do your best to add value to the team but getting the mulla is the focus for you since by mere fact of being in a team hata kama hukudo any, assures you a cut. Then lastly kuna wenye hujiita magurus and they think wanajua kila kitu….wololos!

Now this bunch (know it alls na joyriders) is what is giving competitions a bad name. Manze unaenda hackathon na unakutana na watu wanataka tu doo na they don’t even want to work for it. As in there is a difference between a commercial product and a class assignment and what they want to give is classroom material. When our University students go abroad for internships and the likes if they are doing CS (Computer Science or related stuff) they usually notice the difference I guess it’s the fact that they realize watu wengi wamezoea shoddy job kwa daro as in  “bora nipate marks. Meanwhile as we write Hello world in all languages kuna mtoii amepublish apps kadhaa kwa iOS …ok Moving on.

I think the standards at Hackathons should be raised as in if you tell every Tom Dick and Harry to attend kuna wasee hata even for their own good they don’t learn anything from there since they give minimal or no input. Then it has been noted (relax statistics bado hazijatolewa) that most startups formed by strangers in Hackathons especially mastudents hawajuani  or any other group don’t last beyond that. Only people who know each other well or have worked together and know what everyone else brings to the table have been successful.

Don’t get me wrong there are many gifted students shout out to UON, Strath, JKUAT, Egerton, Baraton, KEMU,  and the other Kenyan Campos’s but seriously saa zingine ……..Sawa that all!

 
 

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Similarity between Prostitution and Coding/Programming in Kenya

I wrote the title to this post and couldn’t help but laugh at first. I mean ave written some really weird posts but Dude this one just has to be the one. Any way let me state my case:  Similarity between Prostitution and Coding/Programming in Kenya.

Let me begin with a shallow be it obscure definition of both: Prostitution is the act of selling one’s body in a sexual way for profit. It’s one of the oldest professions around. Coding is the development of software products that solve problems related to day to day activities. This is usually done for profit {or not} but let’s just stick with the profit aspect in this context. So how are the two similar you may ask!! Well I have been watching episodes of Hung back to back and the thought crossed my Mind…My God Prostitution and coding are similar.  Hung is a series about some boy toy that has to screw women for money simply for survival, but soon ends up doing it for the money. Here is a link >>>> Let me paint a picture of similarity between the above two professions.

In the world of Business the key to making major mullah is some form of Advertising. It doesn’t matter if its false advertising or true advertising the more you/ the product are known the more you are likely to get many customers and hence more mullah for you. Kapish…? The same applies to Hookers,  it doesn’t matter how prettya hooker is…If you don’t have  a connect then you don’t get mullah…or you will really have to put in work in order to barely get any customers. And don’t forget you may get a customer who refuses to pay once kazi imeisha simply because you are minus a pimp to chase them down. Still with me? Sawa wacha tuendele… Haya In this world if you don’t have connects and end up on Someones Street then Bitch you gon get your ass kicked.

The converse is also true. You may not be a fly looking mama but based on how good your Pimp is then you end up getting  major mullah .All the while the fly looking girl on the corner is still waiting at around 3am for their first customer. Or dodging the cops (Kanjo) and if the day is bad she will leave with barely anything in her pocket (or Bra!!).So the Key to a hooker getting paid is the pimp. And of course location, location, location.

Haya lets go to coding. A key aspect of coding in Kenya  is making money… (Wait before you start yelling I know some coders are in it for purely for the dev aspect, money aint an issue…That being said lets go ahead) . First there are coders who are just great, so great that they are like the fly hooker who just walks down the street and gets a pick up from some rich guy.0 effort on their side, she just swings her hips, flaunts the goods and viola!! The deal is sealed … the goods advertise themselves; they are few lakini, countable really. These types of coders are the ones who have done really huge projects and their name searches on Google yield impressive results. Cash is impressive also; actually the pay is more than impressive. Major $$$$ ka ching ching .

The second type of coders…the ones with a super pimp…A pimp who will hook them up with Jobs za Nguvu…USD projects…they know Mr.x in this blue chip firm…Mr. y in that other firm…yaani they are more wired than the extension cable in my house. These types of coders are the ones who get calls like “Niaje Msee BBK wants system flani…And they are willing to pay 5000USD if you can deliver it in 1 month”. They push two 4 figure USD projects   in a month. And have egos the size of Thika road.

Then kuna the third type, good coders who have no pimps…These guys have to remain on the corner the whole night…and hope the makeup they spent their last dime on will get them a client. These coders end up with 4 or 5 small jobs all barely 20K each …all jobs are on a tight schedule. 2-5 days deadlines for a 10K gig….the desperation of waiting on the curb makes them concede. If they are unlucky then even the 20 K they were to get paid ends up being stolen from them (Just like the hooker bila a pimp)

Then kuna the fourth type.   The ones who don’t even know where the curb is.  Those are like the pretty hookers who believe that since they are pretty they will end up making mullah. But soon find out that maisha bila pimp ni ngumu kuruka. They end up being facked (for free!!) all the while being lied to that they will be given a great job. Doesn’t matter if you can code in binary or even in some unknown scripting language.  If no one knows you then the most you will get is a lay from your chic (ile ya huruma…nothing kinky or spicy).

That being said…if you are a Kenyan coder…Then slot yourself accordingly. Wacha mimi nikatafute Pimp

 
2 Comments

Posted by on October 29, 2012 in 254, code, kenyan clones, true stories, twitter, weekend

 

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Listen up all yee non coding Believers.

OK fine, hii mwaka inaonekana si mbaya, code wise actually… si ati am saying i haven’t gotten any runtime errors or fatal warnings, kwanza jana i had buffer overflows zingine crazy…but just generally. I feel my coding has kinda matured. Let me paint a picture for you: In first year while doing Calculus 2 I had this lecture who was  quite un orthodox, after he had finished teaching all 5 methods of integration he introduced a 6th one :Integration by looking at, this is what he said… in math there comes a time when you just look at a function and figure out how its integrated. This seemed quite the academic fit for my then young mind but a couple of Calculus and ODE lessons later i had gained the mastery, the mastery to stand up to smothing like PDE and not fall into fits of shock….

Back to the present,well code is no different from that integration class of mine, once upon a time you are doing hello world code… then taking baby steps to understand how the core functions work… till you get to a place where you have amassed  code skills and a library that you have created, that you understand and that you apply often in you coding  endevours. You reach a place where you look at code and know whats happening,how to optimize to reduce consumption on vital resources and most importantly how an exploit would be carried out if need to  ever arose and how to prevent said exploit.

Then you grow up a network of people who think,talk and pretty much have obsession for code like you.Anonymous and lulz sec  did IRC but us mere mortals just hang out on twitter or the *ihub,or at whatever place has good wi fi connection and just kick it. People start associating you with certain terms, just as you would idenfiy a guy like Alykhan Satchu with  IPO people now identify with PHP,JSP,java… that kinda thing.

your ka blog is  now getting kitu 320 hits a day with readers showing interst hapa na pale,you are being followed by a sizable number of people pia on twitter…At least wasee wanakuelewa…….. till one day someone has the BALLS to ask a dumb question like “Jaymo kama wewe ni mnoma Android mbona hukushinda Afrinolly last year kwa Google challenge,mbona hukushinda MsemaKweli last year kwa App circus….” the same guy goes on to rant “…. what do you have to show for all that code talk?”

Well hapo ndipo the Merian blood in me starts boiling up and i may decide to go all wordy on you and probably give you   abit of tongue whoop ass. But to what avail… to have you read it back from what ever location you are and you would be like”silikuambia…” Hell no Jaymo is bigger than that.

I have great  mentors in my coding life,mentors who will tell you that as soon as you make that prize money, hed to coasto and do tequilla on the white sand, you will be digging a coding grave for yourself because some kid will be on his HP coding while you sucking tities in lambada….is that the reason why i dont do coding competitions, well not exactly, id rather do a whole week of coding for a client, present excellent workmanship after its all said and done… watch the client awe in amazment, that look of gratitude in his face is orgasmic… then walk away with say X amount, knowing that the client will most likely give me a referal to someone else and someone else,na polepole jaymo ata pata dough.. than just winning a compe, getting the media and online coverage that will see you think umefika, ukuwe relaxed, pole pole ukuwe lazy. then mwisho mwisho you  fall out.

Personally id rather put in work on an idea i feel will earn me long term mulla than short term fame, a project that will change and impact the lives of people than an app that will probably not even make it to the mainstream market.Kenya is currently ripe.. Gava imeanza kufanya kazi, Bitange Ndemo is doing his thing,mpaka telecos flani hapo imeacha utiaji na ina allow coders to do their thing uliza Iddsalim…

What am trying to say is i got my thing going on… i don’t wake up in the morning and start typing lines of code for nothing…natafuta hella mwanangu and the best way i know how to is the one am currently doing… so coding fests in 2012 are a huge NO but ukiskia client anadai coding work halla at you boy.

 

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2012 in code, JKUAT, Reflections, true stories, twitter

 

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Things to do in 2012.

so every one comes up  with a bucket list of things to do in a new year sijui you want to get saved or you want to save some endangered species in the amazon or plant trees in the mau… well my bucket list is rather….well…. rather  Jaymo. Any reader of this blog will attest  to my over indulgence in that which I call froth, the same readers will also attest for my deep love for code, but i promise to tone down on the froth this year, after several muggings in 2011. But for real though 2012 is the last year i have in college{dont even think am gon do an MSC}

so for 2012 this is  what i want to do

1.)Get a Muturi call

Yes we all heard that call “….aki muturi ku** inawaka moto….” yes boys and girls i want me a call like that, where she begs me to come rock her world like the flintstones and then i give her a lame  exuse like “aki babie si unajua na code, niko na project flani nafanyia client na siwezi kuja….” and then she will go like “.. aki jaymo ntakulipia taxi,atakama unataka meli ntalipa….” all this while the phone is on speaker and the crew is LOLing like they just smoked a spliff. Any way you get the picture

2.)Ship marto to some weird tao when he is passed out

This is not exactly me being all creative, i borrowed it from shameless, if you dont know what shameless is click here>> well in the series the old man passes out after indulging in froth and finds his ass in canada, yes he is shipped from states to canada. And that is what i plan on doing to one Marto this year. You have been warned

3.) Go to a Jew wedding 

Jaymo wacha utiaji wtf you talking about ati a jew what???? Niko serious btw, av always wanted to those guys just rock, they exchange vows, break glass, then lift the bride and groom on a chair. like seriously, sasa imagyn niko maji alafu  mimetokelezea kwa weeding kaa hiyo #winning

Av always wanted to lift someone on a chair,so a jew weedding it is for me, ju ya hiyo story i should start hanging around  their synagogues in tao, so mkiniona you know what am up to

4.)Blog more often.

I pulled a sebatical last year and abstained from written words,am not going to lie and tell you i went to the bahamas to discover myself, heck i was in kenya, doing nothing out of the ordinary, jaming to campmulla while dissing em football fans. so this year amo stop all that, and promise not to blog about Kabinti…..as much

5.)Code,code,code,code

Yes how can i forget about code, hii raundi am going HAM on yall, so wasee wa ruby jua your bwoy be coming through in 2012, i once heard a coder say that if java is a pair of scissors then ruby is a chainsaw, basi ju ya hiyo story si php itakuwa a pair on nun-chucks???? I want to have the honor of coding with someone like mohammed ahmed maaway,or debug code for eyedol. yes you bwoy be going HAM… listen to a coder like Linda Kamau talk about the code while thinking of banging a female coder like mariegithinji... yes code lazima iendele.

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2012 in 254, campo, code, Humour, JKUAT, Reflections, twitter

 

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Muturi & Nicole Booty call.

Am not going to talk mob about that call rather i will just re blog what IddSalim wrote on his blog about the possible source of the Audio leak : So here is a snippert of what he had to say:

“………………The question the few Kenyans with a brain are asking is this. “Hiyo simu waliiskiza aje?”. The question the few coders/security analysts are asking is this. “Have phone-call interception equipment finally come to Kenya? Do we, FINALLY, have hackers who can do what Salim has been talking about, akatukanwa? Are our worst fears finally here? Should we be worried?”. So, I decided to demystify the source of the clip…………

I tried looking at the Audio file in MP3 using Nyquist-Shannon sampling theorem and other audio analysis models and the results were outstanding. The recording came out as a perfectly flowing person-to-person convo. The convo took place and could not have been cooked. And so, I came up with these scenarios.

1 – A telco employee did it

As stated above, it is POSSIBLE and IT HAPPENS that phone call and SMS records can be sold. The question becomes, how comes it was ONLY this call that got out. How idle would a telco employee be, to sift through ALL the GBs of data to get this ONE call? Still, idlers exist. And there is something called luck.

2 – Muturi did it

Using a Smart or Smart-Enuff phone, one can record a phone call. Muturi might have recorded the call (knowingly or just automatically), found it funny as f*u*ck, and decided to share. Nicole would not have shared this. Stupid female pride would not have let her. Muturi would. Stupid male ego would not let him not share. “Muone vile madem hunikufia”.

3 – It was a studio-born viral prank call

High probability too. A ‘real’ phone call can be, unfortunately, manufactured. At the last few seconds of the call, we hear the credit/airtime beep. If a studio call, then this is a specially crafted section to add to LEGITIMACY. Stupid Kenyans must have been heard saying: “Si hata uliskia credit ikikatika. Ni ya ukweli.” How would someone willing to pay a cab and pika nyama not have more than KSHS 16.8 of credit?………….”

You can read his whole thought train here >>>> Or you can click here>>>> to listen to it

 

In my personal opinion,and speaking as a guy i think Muturi must have recorded it on his phone, you dont even need a smart phone to do that,even an Ideot can pull that one,then to prove a point to his boys/pub mates/ex clandes,leaked it and waited for it to go viral and judging by how desparado nicole sounded, Muturi must have tapped that and moved along.

 

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Work of Art.

 

He is an artist,born & bred in Machakos,fine-tuned in Nairobi.
He draws and sketches,creates and ocassionaly destroies.
He gives his mother credit for placing a crayon in his hand at 3 yrs of age.
His art has however evolved alot since then drawing,painting,architecture,interior design graphics and his current obsession
Photography
He graduated from college as an Architect and now mascurades as an interior designer and a moonlights as a photographer
Sample his work below before his true identity is revealed

 

This is the Smaller structure of the KICC(Kenyatta International Conference Center) as shot from the helipad of the same building.

A sneak peek of the KICC in Nairobi as seen from the Nation Center at dusk. a work of art if you ask me

The Kenyan Flag as hoisted on the Promulgation day.

20th  Century Plaza as captured  by his camera.

According to me,if Picasso was alive then am guessing he would hang out with this dude,catch a beer or two,Ladies and Gentlemen presenting Mutua Matheka.

Links to some of his work: MutuaMatheka.co.ke & mutuamatheka.wordpress.com

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2011 in 254, twitter, weekend

 

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